I am one of those

[Taliesin]

I am one of those
who do not exist.
We all know
that they really don't.
There is no bogeyman in the closet,
whatever people say.
They just don't exist
and that's it.
(On a rainy night
in the hallway of a Soviet-time apartment building
a boy kisses a boy,
hand grasping his black damp hair.
Passionately, but in secret
so that no-one would see)
Although he needn't bother to
because as we all know
they don't really exist.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I assume this is a protest against extreme homophobia, and it is an effective one, although perhaps you might have hinted sat something more tender or poignant in the kiss between the two boys.

[Pensive]

That's a really touching poem, Tal. It's sad how we humans tend to deny fellow people's existence due to their religion/behaviour/sexuality which might not even be of any slightest harm to us. 'I am one of those who do not exist' just keeps on echoing in my ears.

Just one correction maybe, though of course that's also not related to the tone/structure of poem which seems to be quite okay. Here 'in the hallway of an Soviet-time apartment building' a instead of an might be more appropriate. Good work! Glad to see you have posted another of your poem, even if after quite a long time.

[Nightshade]

have to say I love the clever use of bogeyman in the closet.. :nod:

[Scheherazade]

Tal, I really love this poem. It reminds me of this little poem:

As I was going up the stair
I saw a man who wasn’t there
He wasn’t there again today
I wish, I wish, he’d stay away. ~ William Hughes Mearns

I am just wondering if the section in brackets should be rephrased so that it does not give away as explicitly as it does at the moment.

Also, do you think it would sound better if "it" is replaced with "that" in "and that's it."? Ie, "and that's that."

[firefangled]

Where and how this kiss occurs has amazing depth and irony, either from brilliant and purposeful metaphor or that power of poetry to put together elements from our subconscious that even we writing the poem did not intend.

A rainy night in a hallway is probably the least likely place for lovers to have to hide a kiss from view, but it is also one of the quintessential settings for a passionate kiss.

I would have titled it Schroedinger's Kiss.

I say well done, Taliesin!

[blazeofglory]

I am one of those
who do not exist.
We all know
that they really don't.
There is no bogeyman in the closet,
whatever people say.
They just don't exist
and that's it.
(On a rainy night
in the hallway of a Soviet-time apartment building
a boy kisses a boy,
hand grasping his black damp hair.
Passionately, but in secret
so that no-one would see)
Although he needn't bother to
because as we all know
they don't really exist.

It is really interesting and tocuhing

[Taliesin]

Of course, when someone snaps fingers, I react a week later. Here, similarly, I react now.
First, thanks. To you all.
I like the proposition for the name - I actually didn't name it at all, just taking the first line and putting it in the title text-field. It didn't have a name when it came up - but I like Schrödinger's Kiss as a title. It does fit.
I wrote this after a walk in the town at night-time - and it just popped out. Didn't polish it or anything, didn't know whether it was good or bad, just felt like wanting to express it somewhere, hence, posting it here.
As there have been suggestions to make the kiss less explicit, I could try now a different variations:

Schrödingers Kiss

I am one of those
who do not exist.
We all know
that they really don't.
There is no bogeyman in the closet,
whatever people say.
They just don't exist
and that's that.
(On a rainy night
in the hallway of a Soviet-time apartment building
raindrops travel from his lips to his
his hand pressed into his black wet hair.
Only the touch on the back of his head,
no words needed,
as they kiss,
passionately, but in secret
so that no-one would see)
Although he needn't bother to
because as we all know
they don't really exist.

[firefangled]

Yes, I like the line change. It doesn't cool down the passion and I think that is important to the poem. Love the title :)

[dibyendra]

Ya, the scene that you have portrayed in your poem is quite vivid. It's vibrant poem which moved me!


On a rainy night
in the hallway of a Soviet-time apartment building
raindrops travel from his lips to his
his hand pressed into his black wet hair.


as they kiss,
passionately, but in secret
so that no-one would see)
Although he needn't bother to
because as we all know
they don't really exist.

It's great! :thumbs_up

[Pendragon]

Although he needn't bother to
because as we all know
they don't really exist.



Great closing line! :thumbs_up