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jikan myshkin
05-16-2008, 06:50 AM
Familiar Strangers

They had never met before, how could they have. They had never frequented the same places, her being a lady of leisure and he a shy introvert yet across the café walls he knew her. Her eyes the blue that cannot be forgotten, her hair a waterfall of brown, held up tightly to her head in a bun, complete with the mandatory pencil through the centre. The way she moved her arm when lifting her cup and the slight way her eye squinted in protest to some unknown phenomena were all too familiar. As he sat there watching her through the haze of his half drunk drink. The way she rose and paid her cheque with the grace of falling snow seemed like a vision from some night that he may have had before. The way she left the room, graceful, averting every male, and some female, eyes into the wake she was cutting through the air. The way she opened the door and stepped out into the blustery cold, the wind lifting her collar as a shield as if the wind itself wished her to be protected from its own mean grip, the way she walked off into the distance and disappeared around the corner and out of his life seemed all too familiar to he as he sat there watching the angel depart.

They had never met before, how could they have. They had never frequented the same places, her being a lady of leisure and he a shy introvert yet across the café walls she knew him. His eyes the soft brown of a loyal long lost pet, his hair short, unstylish, even crudely cut. The way his beaten shoulders drooped until it appeared he was just a head and shoulder above the table, the way his eyes held fear and shyness in defence to some unknown threat were all too familiar. As she sat there watching him, from the corner of her eye, through the haze of steam rising above her cup. The way he recoiled as she rose like a child in the grip taking his first steps, his eyes boldly, against his will, mirroring her every step with a gentle love that she had never felt before, the way his hair was ruffled as she opened the door and how he pulled his coat tighter as an arrow of cold wing sneaked through the gap where the door had once been still, the way his eyes burned her back as she walked off into the distance and disappeared around the corner and out of his life seemed all too familiar to she as she walked on slowly feeling the saint being left behind.

DickZ
05-16-2008, 11:47 AM
That's a fascinating picture you painted - very nicely done.

There are some minor glitches with some of your pronouns, and I'm guessing that English isn't your primary language. But that's even more reason for praise.

jikan myshkin
05-16-2008, 07:40 PM
thank you for your kind words. could you tell me which pronouns are incorrect please? thank you

DickZ
05-19-2008, 08:37 AM
...her being a lady of leisure and he a shy introvert yet across the café walls he knew her.
Her and he aren't compatible - it should be she and he. This same comment applies to the second paragraph as well as the first.


...protected from its own mean grip, the way she walked off into the distance and disappeared around the corner and out of his life seemed all too familiar to he as he sat there watching the angel depart.
Should be all too familiar to him - not to he. Similarly, in the lady's parallel version below, it should be familiar to her - not to she.

These are relatively minor, and your story is very well done.

AuntShecky
05-19-2008, 10:27 AM
Pronouns are used in place of nouns. Every noun should have what is called an antecedent. For instance, when you introduce the third person singular, "she," or "he" there is
usually a proper noun, the person's name, preceding it or very closely following, so that the reader knows to whom the "she" or "he" refers. Also, you need to learn the difference between the nominative and objective cases. English has far fewer declensions (noun endings) than any other language; however, there are clear uses for each. You need to brush up on sentence structure as well.
I suggest that you get yourself a good grammar handbook by Theodore Bernstein or Wilson and Follet, as well as The Elements of Style by Strunk and White. There are
many good grammar resources, even online, if you can't find those books.

I have two other suggestions: read as much English prose as you can, both fiction and non-fiction, articles as well as
full-length books. Then you can try writing practice English sentences.

amanda_isabel
05-19-2008, 02:07 PM
well, pronouns aside, i enjoyed reading it. :D nicely done, jikan myshkin :)

jikan myshkin
05-21-2008, 06:15 AM
cheers guys :) english is my first language! i assure you i chose the pronouns carefuly to fulfil the picture i had in my head. can't expalin why i did it like that but i assure you to me it fits natually :lol: ;) all you have to do i get inside of my head!! but it was interesting to hear your perspectives. should all writing be formualted gramatically?

Pretty^Athens
05-22-2008, 08:44 AM
This is just fascinating and fantastic. i like it so much!
i felt i was living the things you described
well done!

lovelylucretia
05-28-2008, 04:50 PM
Wow I enjoyed that in addition, I adore your title