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Tia_Pixie
05-14-2008, 06:17 PM
Chapter 1: The definition of Immortality.

"Immortal: Adjective. 1. Not mortal, living forever. 2. Divine, unfading."

Black. Beautiful, unfeeling, painless black. Darkness which clouds my brain, freezes my senses, stops...everything. Just. Stops. Everything. Just for a little while. Because then I wake up, but this time I'm not alone.

You see, the thing about immortality is that no matter what happens to you, no matter how 'fatally' injured you are, you don't die, you just wake up again. You always feel it. You might bleed because of it and heal afterwards. But die? No. Never. Ever. Die. Which really isn't all it's cracked up to be. Not that I'm complaining of course, it's not as though I didn't want it. I wanted it more than anything. And I was prepared to die so that I could live forever. Silly, right? But that is exactly how it went. I met a guy and he asked me if I wanted immortality, I said yes...so he killed me. And now, I am going to live forever. Because of him. I am stuck in a world that I barely recognise, in a life where I can find no food that can satisfy my hunger nor water which can quench my thirst and I can find no escape from it, and it's all because of him.

And now 'him' is sat less than a metre away from me, and if I reach out my hand, I could touch him. But I won't, because we've been down this road before. It's as rocky as they come, and it leads to nowhere.

“What are you thinking?” I hate my eyes for tearing up at the sound of his voice, and the way my throat has closed up so tightly I can barely breathe.

“Nothing.” My voice comes out as a tight whisper and I feel him looking at me. I clear my throat and try again. “I'm not thinking anything.” I say, stronger this time but still tight.

“Liar.” I don't need to look at him to know that he is grinning at me. “Come on, Sid. Tell me what you're thinking.” It's not a request. I take in a deep, quivering breath and let it out before raising my head to look directly into his eyes and answering:

“What am I thinking?” He nods. “Honestly, I'm thinking how the hell you can have th-the gall to come here a-and speak to me, and act like nothing's happened! I'm thinking about why I didn't just shut the d-door on you the second I saw you!” I'm talking so fast, that I don't even understand half the things I'm saying so I doubt he does. I hate how I stutter on certain words and how he hasn't blinked once since I started my tirade. I also hate the fact that the tears that have been in my eyes since this conversation started are now steadily flowing down my face and on to my shirt, and I'm shouting now because I'm just so... “Mad! I'm just plain effing MAD ADAM! I am mad that you left without a word! I am more mad that you haven't even apologised! But most of all, I am mad that you have been in my flat over ten minutes now and you haven't even TRIED TO HUG ME!” I sound stupid and childish and I know it. But he's closed the gap between us in seconds, and wrapped his arms around me. I try half-heartedly to push him away but quickly give in and bury my head in his shoulder, my hands going around his neck and clinging to him like a frightened child. “I missed you.” I whisper through my tears. His entire body stiffens at my words, and pull back to glance cautiously up into his eyes. I immediately wish I hadn't.

Adam is not supposed to cry.

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okay i know this is really short but i wasn't sure if it was worth continuing with it so if you read it, can just make a tiny comment just a yes or no will do! :D thanks. oh yeah, i know sid is a bit of wuss in this bit but i do have a reason for it, (theres a lot of history here ;)

Pretty^Athens
05-21-2008, 02:44 AM
Wow... your story is amazing. i love everything about it, i like the details and the symbols in it. in the middle it felt a bit of "too much", i think you should make it clearer.
but i like your idea and the way you express it :) good luck

Tia_Pixie
05-21-2008, 04:31 PM
Wow... your story is amazing. i love everything about it, i like the details and the symbols in it. in the middle it felt a bit of "too much", i think you should make it clearer.
but i like your idea and the way you express it :) good luck

hey thanks for the reply! um, when you say in the middle? can you tell me which bit in particular and i'll try and alter it to make it better. glad you liked it though, i know there's nothing of it really. I'm hoping to make it multi-chapter but i haven't gotten around to it yet becuase my inspirtion has disappeared lol. :crash:

thanks again

AuntShecky
05-22-2008, 11:30 AM
I read your piece and frankly, if you're attempting to make a connection between the concept of immortality and a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, I don't see it in what you've presented here. Also, beginning any piece of writing by quoting the dictionary definition is a really tired cliché.

A few brief general comments, if I may. First, when you're a beginning writer, the most important thing to do is READ. Read numerous short stories. You will get an idea of how it's done, by osmosis. Take notes as you read, not just on what the story is about, but HOW the writer brings about the intended effect. Learn how to "show" rather than "tell."

But frankly, and please don't be offended, you really, really need to immerse yourself in the basic rules of grammar, sentence structure and punctuation before attempting to post anything in public. For instance, learn how to use the shift key whenever typing the word "I." And try not to torture English syntax in sentences such as these:
And now 'him' is sat less than a metre away from me, and if I reach out my hand, I could touch him.

In ANY piece of writing, always read it over a couple of times before posting it or submitting it to your teachers.
Ask yourself: "Does this really say what I want it to say?"
Remember: The reader doesn't know you or what a nice person you are (which you undoubtedly are.) But even readers who know you can't read your mind! All we have
to work with is what is on the page.

Sorry, if all of this sounded harsh, but you did ask for
"critics." (Be careful what you what you wish for!)

Good luck with your future writing. Happy reading!

Auntie