Just something I jotted down yesterday . ..

[Trystan]

. . . while I was in my garden. I haven't had time to work on it yet, but please, tell me what you think:

Green fever and
Hay fever
In the dull
Mid-day sun

The sound of mowers
In the neighboring lawns.
I hope that noise won’t
Last too long

Dark brown bark
Is hard on my hand
Pale and weak
Like the lone cloud above

You can still see the
Moon alone with the cloud
In that eternity of blue

I hope this breeze won’t
Get too strong
Just stays gentle and
Cool in the mid-day throng of
Color and flower scent

[sparr0w]

Beautiful, really. Is this your first post, or have I just managed to miss your others? On one level, this is certainly a nice portrait of a pleasent spring afternoon, but unless I'm over-analyzing (which I do tend to do), I can read some undertones here. For example, the Lines-

"The sound of mowers
In the neighboring lawns.
I hope that noise won’t
Last too long"

and the ending lines-

"I hope this breeze won’t
Get too strong
Just stays gentle and
Cool in the mid-day throng of
Color and flower scent"

(The latter of which was my favorite part, by the way) kind of give me the impression that on some level you long for some kind of stability. Almost as if you've just gone through a particularly difficult and bumpy stage of your life, and now that things are kind of mellowing out, you appreciate it and perhaps also fear that it won't last. Like just as you begin to fall asleep on the lawn on such a beautiful day as you have painted here in this poem, you're afraid a tornado will suddenly rip through and destroy everything in a blur of chaos and thundering noise. Then again, like I said, I may very well be reading too much into it. In my defense, though, I do belive that half of what we write is symbols from back in our subconscious stamping themselves on paper without us even realizing it at the time. I know for sure that I have gone back and read things that I wrote long ago and realize that I was really saying alot more than I thought I was at the time. In any event, however, I love the picture this poem paints in my head as I read it. I can feel that "gentle breeze" whisping through my hair. Well done friend! By the way, I would really love if you let me know (though personal message) the next time you post something, that is of course if it's not too much trouble. Peace- Chris

[Trystan]

Beautiful, really. Is this your first post, or have I just managed to miss your others? On one level, this is certainly a nice portrait of a pleasent spring afternoon, but unless I'm over-analyzing (which I do tend to do), I can read some undertones here. For example, the Lines-

"The sound of mowers
In the neighboring lawns.
I hope that noise won’t
Last too long"

and the ending lines-

"I hope this breeze won’t
Get too strong
Just stays gentle and
Cool in the mid-day throng of
Color and flower scent"

(The latter of which was my favorite part, by the way) kind of give me the impression that on some level you long for some kind of stability. Almost as if you've just gone through a particularly difficult and bumpy stage of your life, and now that things are kind of mellowing out, you appreciate it and perhaps also fear that it won't last. Like just as you begin to fall asleep on the lawn on such a beautiful day as you have painted here in this poem, you're afraid a tornado will suddenly rip through and destroy everything in a blur of chaos and thundering noise. Then again, like I said, I may very well be reading too much into it. In my defense, though, I do belive that half of what we write is symbols from back in our subconscious stamping themselves on paper without us even realizing it at the time. I know for sure that I have gone back and read things that I wrote long ago and realize that I was really saying alot more than I thought I was at the time. In any event, however, I love the picture this poem paints in my head as I read it. I can feel that "gentle breeze" whisping through my hair. Well done friend! By the way, I would really love if you let me know (though personal message) the next time you post something, that is of course if it's not too much trouble. Peace- Chris

Yes, that is my first bit poetry I've put up here. And I'd be happy to mail you when I post another. You're analysis is pretty accurate - I have gone through some difficult times recently, and lounging around in my garden has improved things, but, as you say, I do fear that it won't last. Your psychoanalytical skills are pretty impressive! :) What you say about what we write coming from our subconscious is interesting - reminds me of a quote I read recently (I can't remember who it's attributed to) which was something "When I write, I dream".

[Beautifull]

"When I write, I dream".
that's sooo true..
i should know bcuz i write poetry...
but then again
when some write, they aren't dreaming, they're living...
maybe it doesnt' make sense...you tell me...

[sparr0w]

Heh, thanks. Yeah, I've kind of gotten into quantum psychology lately. Glad to hear I wasn't just coming out of left field there. Definitely hit me up when you write something new. Do you enjoy writing poetry, now that you've done it?

[sparr0w]

Oh, also, if you want an interesting example of subconscious poetry, check out my "sein Licht unter den Scheffel stellen ". I think I posted it about a month ago:

http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=34370

(plug shameless self promotion here) ;)

And if you like that one, check out my others. But that one I just gave you a link to came to mean so much more to me in the weeks after posting once I had read it back over a couple dozen times. Peace brother- Chris

[Trystan]

Heh, thanks. Yeah, I've kind of gotten into quantum psychology lately. Glad to hear I wasn't just coming out of left field there. Definitely hit me up when you write something new. Do you enjoy writing poetry, now that you've done it?

Sure. I've only been doing it for a couple of months, but I'm really getting into. I also read a lot more poetry than I used to; a year ago I would only read prose.