ScarlettEclipse
05-09-2008, 05:19 PM
I'm working on this screenplay and so far everything has flowed nicely until I came to this scene. And the dialouge is HORRENDOUS! It's stiff, unrealstic...it simply 'sucks'. So if anybody could come up with any suggestions, please do. In addition, there is only one part that nobody will understand that's because it's an exert.
Scene Nine
EXT. BACK YARD – NIGHT
Gabriel struggles to walk across the grass because he keeps getting his feet caught in the mud. The whole time, he looks ahead through the rain at the outline that is Hannah. Finally, he arrives to her looking at her.
GABRIEL:
What are you doing here? Why aren’t
you with Ellie and Logan?
HANNAH:
You didn’t say good-bye.
GABRIEL:
Ok then. (pauses) Bye?
HANNAH:
That’s not good enough! And there is so much
that I’m missing like-like what happened to you?
GABRIEL:
What do you mean?
Hannah steps closer to Gabriel to the point where their bodies are almost touching.
HANNAH:
You know exactly what I mean. Don’t try to act
stupid. And I know that you know better.
GABRIEL:
I-I don’t know what happened. (hesitates) I-I
don’t really remember what happened. Just that
I and Benji…
HANNAH:
(interrupts)
Benji was with you? He was the one that brought
the news to us.
GABRIEL:
(con’t)
All I could think about was saving Benji because he was
the one that was hurt not me. Then there was a lot of pain.
(pauses) Somebody had shot me and I was on the ground.
Benji kept moving on while somebody else came over to
help me. How could we ask Benji for help when he was
already hurt. I remember the person saying something
to me but I don’t remember what because there was a
sudden explosion and then everything went black.
Gabriel stands in silence while looking at his feet. Hannah reaches out putting a hand under his chin making him look into her eyes. The two stood for a few seconds gazing at each other.
HANNAH:
Benj did say that they lost you in an explosion. They
never found your body. Wow a bomb. (pauses) Um
let’s change the subject. I-I couldn’t stand the though
that you were not coming back for me…the-the thought
that I lost you tore me apart. I love you, Gabriel. I love
you. I wanted you to come back; I wanted to marry you,
I wanted us to be a family with Ellie. I-I love you.
GABRIEL:
(whispers)
I’m sorry.
HANNAH:
Don’t apologize, it’s not like it was
your choice. (pauses) I really want to
be with you though. Logan will take
care of Ellie. It’s fine and nobody else
will miss me. Tonight you and I can
leave together instead of you leaving
alone. (pauses) Don’t leave me!
Hannah starts to wipe away some of the rain drops from her cheeks while shaking her head.
GABRIEL:
No. Stay here.
HANNAH:
(cries)
Please-please let me come with you! I-I
(hesitates) I don’t want to be alone any-
more. I don’t want to be without you
any longer. Please-please don’t leave
me Gabriel. Please don’t…please.
GABRIEL:
Logan’ll keep you company and so
will Ellie. You’re not alone. (pauses)
you sound a lot like the overdramatic
damsel of distress in some sort of movie.
HANNAH:
I’m serious, Gabriel!
She punches him in the shoulder.
HANNAH:
And besides, how long will Logan stay
with me? I can’t believe that he is still
here to begin. He proposed to me once
and I said maybe…maybe. And that
was all because I still had some faint
hope that you would return to me.
GABRIEL:
I thought everything was clear when
I came over to your place. I told you
that I couldn’t be with you because I
can’t stay. You have to move on.
Hannah falls into Gabriel’s arms while sobbing. He runs a hand through her wet hair while leaning his chin on top of her head. Gently, she wraps her arms around him, burying her face against his chest.
GABRIEL:
Have you ever seen Casablanca?
HANNAH:
(mumbles)
No.
She looks up into Gabriel’s eyes while she still embraces him.
HANNAH:
Why did you ask me that?
Hannah uses one hand against his chest while frowning.
HANNAH:
(cries)
Be serious!
GABRIEL:
I am! I am!
HANNAH:
Then what does some movie have to
do with this?
Gabriel pushes some of her hair out of her face and behind her ears.
GABRIEL:
In the end, the man, the hero, Rick allows the
one girl he loves to leave with another guy in
this airplane, they are going back to America
together.
HANNAH:
What does that have to do with anything?
GABRIEL:
I think he let her go because he loved her enough.
She was in love with somebody else so he knew
that he had to let her go, to be happy.
HANNAH:
But I love you more then Logan.
GABRIEL:
Well it’s sort of like that because I won’t be
able to take care of you and-and (pauses)
I love you.
HANNAH:
And that is why I have to stay with Logan?
GABRIEL:
Exactly.
HANNAH:
Gabriel, (hesitates) you’ve never said ‘I
love you’ to me before.
Scene Nine
EXT. BACK YARD – NIGHT
Gabriel struggles to walk across the grass because he keeps getting his feet caught in the mud. The whole time, he looks ahead through the rain at the outline that is Hannah. Finally, he arrives to her looking at her.
GABRIEL:
What are you doing here? Why aren’t
you with Ellie and Logan?
HANNAH:
You didn’t say good-bye.
GABRIEL:
Ok then. (pauses) Bye?
HANNAH:
That’s not good enough! And there is so much
that I’m missing like-like what happened to you?
GABRIEL:
What do you mean?
Hannah steps closer to Gabriel to the point where their bodies are almost touching.
HANNAH:
You know exactly what I mean. Don’t try to act
stupid. And I know that you know better.
GABRIEL:
I-I don’t know what happened. (hesitates) I-I
don’t really remember what happened. Just that
I and Benji…
HANNAH:
(interrupts)
Benji was with you? He was the one that brought
the news to us.
GABRIEL:
(con’t)
All I could think about was saving Benji because he was
the one that was hurt not me. Then there was a lot of pain.
(pauses) Somebody had shot me and I was on the ground.
Benji kept moving on while somebody else came over to
help me. How could we ask Benji for help when he was
already hurt. I remember the person saying something
to me but I don’t remember what because there was a
sudden explosion and then everything went black.
Gabriel stands in silence while looking at his feet. Hannah reaches out putting a hand under his chin making him look into her eyes. The two stood for a few seconds gazing at each other.
HANNAH:
Benj did say that they lost you in an explosion. They
never found your body. Wow a bomb. (pauses) Um
let’s change the subject. I-I couldn’t stand the though
that you were not coming back for me…the-the thought
that I lost you tore me apart. I love you, Gabriel. I love
you. I wanted you to come back; I wanted to marry you,
I wanted us to be a family with Ellie. I-I love you.
GABRIEL:
(whispers)
I’m sorry.
HANNAH:
Don’t apologize, it’s not like it was
your choice. (pauses) I really want to
be with you though. Logan will take
care of Ellie. It’s fine and nobody else
will miss me. Tonight you and I can
leave together instead of you leaving
alone. (pauses) Don’t leave me!
Hannah starts to wipe away some of the rain drops from her cheeks while shaking her head.
GABRIEL:
No. Stay here.
HANNAH:
(cries)
Please-please let me come with you! I-I
(hesitates) I don’t want to be alone any-
more. I don’t want to be without you
any longer. Please-please don’t leave
me Gabriel. Please don’t…please.
GABRIEL:
Logan’ll keep you company and so
will Ellie. You’re not alone. (pauses)
you sound a lot like the overdramatic
damsel of distress in some sort of movie.
HANNAH:
I’m serious, Gabriel!
She punches him in the shoulder.
HANNAH:
And besides, how long will Logan stay
with me? I can’t believe that he is still
here to begin. He proposed to me once
and I said maybe…maybe. And that
was all because I still had some faint
hope that you would return to me.
GABRIEL:
I thought everything was clear when
I came over to your place. I told you
that I couldn’t be with you because I
can’t stay. You have to move on.
Hannah falls into Gabriel’s arms while sobbing. He runs a hand through her wet hair while leaning his chin on top of her head. Gently, she wraps her arms around him, burying her face against his chest.
GABRIEL:
Have you ever seen Casablanca?
HANNAH:
(mumbles)
No.
She looks up into Gabriel’s eyes while she still embraces him.
HANNAH:
Why did you ask me that?
Hannah uses one hand against his chest while frowning.
HANNAH:
(cries)
Be serious!
GABRIEL:
I am! I am!
HANNAH:
Then what does some movie have to
do with this?
Gabriel pushes some of her hair out of her face and behind her ears.
GABRIEL:
In the end, the man, the hero, Rick allows the
one girl he loves to leave with another guy in
this airplane, they are going back to America
together.
HANNAH:
What does that have to do with anything?
GABRIEL:
I think he let her go because he loved her enough.
She was in love with somebody else so he knew
that he had to let her go, to be happy.
HANNAH:
But I love you more then Logan.
GABRIEL:
Well it’s sort of like that because I won’t be
able to take care of you and-and (pauses)
I love you.
HANNAH:
And that is why I have to stay with Logan?
GABRIEL:
Exactly.
HANNAH:
Gabriel, (hesitates) you’ve never said ‘I
love you’ to me before.