Shurtugal
05-09-2008, 03:51 PM
okay, well, i feel so stupid posting this but anyway....
er, there is this scene in my book that i want to make absolutely perfect. (okay, i want that for my whole book, but exspecially on this part) the only thing is... um, i never had this happen to me and am know very little of all the emotions. so after reading every book i had that had a scene like this, i attempted this scene. this scene is a very emotional, or at least i'm trying to make it that. here it is...
“You’ll come with me right!”
Kioshi didn’t reply.
“Kioshi! You can’t leave me!” she cried, clutching onto his arm.
“I have to.” he replied tenderly stroking her cheek, brushing away a single tear.
Part of the tunnel began to fill with a pale blue light...
“But,” she started to say. For a moment their eyes met and he searched hers as if making sure of something. She suddenly realized how close they were and her senses became hyped, “but...”
Her words were lost as she closed her eyes when he rested his hand on her chin. He leaned forward, their lips meeting softly. At that moment when his lips touched hers, she felt her soul soar above the caverns ceiling and into an unknown abyss of emotions, her thoughts confused and lost within what she had known. Tenderly, he slipped his other hand that had been in Auni's grasp and wrapped it around her. Holding her securely, he angled his head to one side. His jaw was strong and steady. His lips firm and gentle.
The light in the tunnel grew till it washed away all signs of the wall. Unwillingly, Auni's tight grip on Kioshi began to loosen . Theirs lips separated and she tried to keep hold of him as she felt herself being pulled away by an invisible, unrelenting force. Two tears burned deep into Kioshi's cheek as he desperately held on.
"Don't let me go!" Auni cried, tears streaming down her cheeks. She looked up at him and saw that he was fading, "Kioshi!" she screamed, "I'll never be able to see you again!"
"It might not be forever," he whispered, a comforting but painful look appeared in his eyes. He stroke her cheek and she placed her hand on his, but she couldn't feel it. She couldn't feel him anymore and then she couldn't see him.
Tirelessly, she fought with all her will and strength against the force, but to no avail. Kioshi was no longer there- lost within the surroundings.
sorry it's so long. but what do you think of it? what should be changed? thnx for whatever comments you have!
er, there is this scene in my book that i want to make absolutely perfect. (okay, i want that for my whole book, but exspecially on this part) the only thing is... um, i never had this happen to me and am know very little of all the emotions. so after reading every book i had that had a scene like this, i attempted this scene. this scene is a very emotional, or at least i'm trying to make it that. here it is...
“You’ll come with me right!”
Kioshi didn’t reply.
“Kioshi! You can’t leave me!” she cried, clutching onto his arm.
“I have to.” he replied tenderly stroking her cheek, brushing away a single tear.
Part of the tunnel began to fill with a pale blue light...
“But,” she started to say. For a moment their eyes met and he searched hers as if making sure of something. She suddenly realized how close they were and her senses became hyped, “but...”
Her words were lost as she closed her eyes when he rested his hand on her chin. He leaned forward, their lips meeting softly. At that moment when his lips touched hers, she felt her soul soar above the caverns ceiling and into an unknown abyss of emotions, her thoughts confused and lost within what she had known. Tenderly, he slipped his other hand that had been in Auni's grasp and wrapped it around her. Holding her securely, he angled his head to one side. His jaw was strong and steady. His lips firm and gentle.
The light in the tunnel grew till it washed away all signs of the wall. Unwillingly, Auni's tight grip on Kioshi began to loosen . Theirs lips separated and she tried to keep hold of him as she felt herself being pulled away by an invisible, unrelenting force. Two tears burned deep into Kioshi's cheek as he desperately held on.
"Don't let me go!" Auni cried, tears streaming down her cheeks. She looked up at him and saw that he was fading, "Kioshi!" she screamed, "I'll never be able to see you again!"
"It might not be forever," he whispered, a comforting but painful look appeared in his eyes. He stroke her cheek and she placed her hand on his, but she couldn't feel it. She couldn't feel him anymore and then she couldn't see him.
Tirelessly, she fought with all her will and strength against the force, but to no avail. Kioshi was no longer there- lost within the surroundings.
sorry it's so long. but what do you think of it? what should be changed? thnx for whatever comments you have!