The Sarah Case

[Sweets America]

edited

[DickZ]

I just read this in a cursory manner, as it's not really my cup of tea. I only have a couple of comments:

I guess you're from England, since you use the term 'maths teacher.'

I don't know why you pointed out that Sarah seemed to be of Chinese descent, since that didn't affect the story at all, unless I missed something by skimming too quickly. I always try to avoid throwing in bits of information that have absolutely nothing to do with the story - but maybe that's just me.

[Sweets America]

I just read this in a cursory manner, as it's not really my cup of tea. I only have a couple of comments:

I guess you're from England, since you use the term 'maths teacher.'

I don't know why you pointed out that Sarah seemed to be of Chinese descent, since that didn't affect the story at all, unless I missed something by skimming too quickly. I always try to avoid throwing in bits of information that have absolutely nothing to do with the story - but maybe that's just me.

Thanks for the reply. I'm not from England, I'm French. :p What would an American say for 'maths teacher'?

Now about the Chinese thing, you're absolutely right, that has nothing to do with the story :lol: , it's just that Sarah really exists and I didn't pay attention to the fact that I gave this detail, or maybe I gave it to give more reality to the character. But you're right, it does not seem to bring anything really relevant to the story. Or maybe it could be linked to the questionning of the narrator about her family and that teacher and how she's treated.

Sorry that it was not your cup of tea, but that's still mine. :p

[DickZ]

Thanks for the reply. I'm not from England, I'm French. :p What would an American say for 'maths teacher'?

Now about the Chinese thing, you're absolutely right, that has nothing to do with the story :lol: , it's just that Sarah really exists and I didn't pay attention to the fact that I gave this detail, or maybe I gave it to give more reality to the character. But you're right, it does not seem to bring anything really relevant to the story. Or maybe it could be linked to the questionning of the narrator about her family and that teacher and how she's treated.

Sorry that it was not your cup of tea, but that's still mine. :p
An American would say 'math teacher' without the s.

I'm certainly not an authority on writing, but I do write and read a lot. I have found over the years that stories containing lots of irrelevant material are less appealing than those that stick to a more disciplined approach.

I didn't mean to be offensive with the cup of tea statement - I just happen to be a lot older than you, and classroom stories are a thing of my distant past. We have lots of younger people here, so I'm sure your story appeals to them. The only problem is that these young writers never seem to say much about the stories of others.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I just read this in a cursory manner, as it's not really my cup of tea. I only have a couple of comments:

I guess you're from England, since you use the term 'maths teacher.'

I don't know why you pointed out that Sarah seemed to be of Chinese descent, since that didn't affect the story at all, unless I missed something by skimming too quickly. I always try to avoid throwing in bits of information that have absolutely nothing to do with the story - but maybe that's just me.

It's often a subjective matter which details are relevant and which are not. True, Sarah's ancestry had nothing much to add to her elusiveness, but she had to be of some ethnicity and I valued that detail. On the other hand I could have done with virtually all the details of Laureline's odd manner of attire. It seemed to me to lend her far more emphasis than she deserved according to her contribution to the action.

I valued Sweets' introspective, observant manner of narration.

[Sweets America]

An American would say 'math teacher' without the s.

I'm certainly not an authority on writing, but I do write and read a lot. I have found over the years that stories containing lots of irrelevant material are less appealing than those that stick to a more disciplined approach.

I didn't mean to be offensive with the cup of tea statement - I just happen to be a lot older than you, and classroom stories are a thing of my distant past. We have lots of younger people here, so I'm sure your story appeals to them. The only problem is that these young writers never seem to say much about the stories of others.

Oh, but I was not offended at all by your comment, don't worry. :) It's ok if you didn't like my story, I am happy I wrote it because I had not written in a long time. But really, it's ok that it does not appeal to you, we all have different tastes and that's already great that you took the time to comment. :)

However, where you saw a classroom story, I saw so much more. It is not a matter of age, really, this elusive thing... you know, I wanted to convey something much deeper than an simple classroom story, I wanted to talk about human relationships or the absence of it, and how people sometimes relate to each other.

No, really, I appreciated your comment, it struck me, what you said about the details which don't bring much to the story and that's a legitmate comment. But it depends, also, look at Kerouac and all the details in his stories, that's also what makes them so wonderful!

Oh, and about your age, really, you're not that old, I've had a lover who was 8 years older than you, ah! :D

Edit: about the maths thing, I wondered about that s! I'm going to take it off!

[DickZ]

...Edit: about the maths thing, I wondered about that s! I'm going to take it off!
There's certainly no need to take the 's' off. The English invented the language, so it's perfectly all right to follow their lead and say 'maths teacher.' They probably think it sounds funny without the s, just as we Americans think it sounds funny with it.

[Sweets America]

There's certainly no need to take the 's' off. The English invented the language, so it's perfectly all right to follow their lead and say 'maths teacher.' They probably think it sounds funny without the s, just as we Americans think it sounds funny with it.

Yes, but the thing is, I want to speak American, not English, it's a fetish of mine. :p

Prince said:

It's often a subjective matter which details are relevant and which are not. True, Sarah's ancestry had nothing much to add to her elusiveness, but she had to be of some ethnicity and I valued that detail. On the other hand I could have done with virtually all the details of Laureline's odd manner of attire. It seemed to me to lend her far more emphasis than she deserved according to her contribution to the action.

I valued Sweets' introspective, observant manner of narration.

Thanks Shou, for the time you took to read my story. I don't know about Laureline, I really wondered, but I needed to describe her, I felt. But I see what you mean. But still, she is important since she is the only one who approaches Sarah, or rather that Sarah approaches, and I thought it was interesting to have some insight into her.
Thanks for the comment. :)

[PrinceMyshkin]

Yes, but the thing is, I want to speak American, not English, it's a fetish of mine. :p

Are you familiar with Winston Churchill's witty statement that "the US & Britain are two nations separated by a common language!"

Prince said:



Thanks Shou, for the time you took to read my story. I don't know about Laureline, I really wondered, but I needed to describe her, I felt. But I see what you mean. But still, she is important since she is the only one who approaches Sarah, or rather that Sarah approaches, and I thought it was interesting to have some insight into her.
Thanks for the comment. :)

Of course I meant to say "I could have done without all the details about Laureline," but you understood it as I intended. The fact that she too is made to seem elusive or strange diminishes Sarah somewhat, but maybe you wished us to see that it is the narrator who sees people that way, a reflection of her own character.

[Pensive]

Now, Sweets, you have written it wonderfully just like your story Only the Beginning. The narration has been done quite well. Personally I think it doesn't really hurt to add a bit of a detail to a character's background, in fact that gives us a chance to picture a character more vividly. Anyhow, you haven't overloaded the story with unnecessary details, so I don't see why I should critisize it. :)


and if someone will ask someone else who I was, or if a girl will talk about her friend who worked with me.

Did you mean to write 'and if someone will ask someone else who I was, or if a girl will talk about me to her friend who worked with me? Well, it seems like a typo or it sometimes happens that our thoughts flow fast enough to stop us from typing them very accurately.

Oh and I also had to mention how much I liked the way you had presented the thoughts of the narrator in the end. It's really so interesting that at times we are at a place and are talked about when we are not exactly there and at other times when we are actually there, we are nothing more than a statue nobody cares about enough. Also the part where the narrator wants to be remembered made me feel with her. Really this story is about much more than mere class-room troubles (though I don't either see what's wrong with them too, if they are written well).

Thanks for posting the story, am looking forward to seeing you posting more stories. :)

[kelby_lake]

i think it's really good

[AuntShecky]

Hi Sweets,

The plot of your story is intriguing; if you were pitching it as a screenplay you could describe it as "Laura (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0037008/)meets Portrait of Jenny (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0040705/)." (If you click those titles, you can get plot summaries from imdb.)




How about beginning your story with this paragraph:

Once, I got surprised by Sarah, just like everyone else. We had another one of those classes where you have to prepare something to tell in front of sleepy students.

I did like the material in the opening paragraph, but perhaps it would fare better as part of the closing paragraph.

I would cut the length of some of your sentences, including this one:
A man yearning for dominance, terrorizing pupils and once I had had to go to the blackboard and the numbers had lost their meaning ─ if they ever had one ─ because all the pupils were looking at me with somehow relieved faces for not being the chosen one, and I was there, the chosen one for once but not by the right one, under the glance of the man, both of us keeping silent, waiting for the earth to crack open because time was as suspended as the piece of chalk in my hand, in the air, and nothing would write itself on the board, no words uttered but the voiceless screams of some creature inside of my stomach.

Some of the sections are heavy with narration and light on "showing." Your story would have more urgency and drama if it showed more than it told, or
"suggested."

Also, this passage:
Actually Laureline managed to be both elusive and very noticeable at the same time. She had an angelic face, though quite banal, but once your glance fell under her neck, you were striken by an extraordinarily colorful and original clothing. She was a sweetheart, a doll, a goth and a punk all at once, but most of all she was part of the somehow elusive ones who get scared when they have to talk in front of the others, because the others are always too strange when they look at you

Nice description, but it seems extraneous to the theme of the subject at hand. How about writing a separate story about this character?

Your piece, as I say is interesting. Good luck on the rewrite.

[Sweets America]

Thanks Anti. :) And thanks Pensive and Aunt for your long replies. I am sorry I did not reply to you earlier. :blush:

Aunt, I liked my opening, I liked starting with something more general in order to go towards Sarah after, I thought it fitted with what I wanted to say. And about the style, the long lines, they were intended because I wanted it to flow like thoughts, I wanted to give the impression that the narrator delivered her thoughts freely. Now about the Laureline character, maybe she took too much room in the story, as Prince said.

Pensive, about the strange syntax of the sentence you mentionned, actually I just prefered emphasizing the 'elusiveness' of the narrator, and thus I prefered having people mantioning other people who knew her than having them talking about her directly.

[Sweets America]

I think your story shows a lot of sensitivity, Sweets.

Just two things to keep in mind when writing stories - you should (almost) never have more than three main characters in a short story (I know you don't),

About the three characters, I didn't do it on purpose, so that was a matter of chance. :p


and the POV person should be the person with the most to lose or gain.

You definitely have a natural talent. Keep on writing! ;)

I had never thought of this, about the POV person. Thanks for the witty advice, and for your encouraging words. :)