Umbilical
05-05-2008, 10:27 AM
I find myself in a strange place...
I'd been applying myself in college. Then it came to the 2 week break and I was adamant on using that time to work on a psychology essay. I did nothing... I just didn't want to start, and didn't start.
So, I'm in the position where I'm back at college and it's due the next day... So I start, and it's not so bad - requires less effort than I thought. Days have passed since then. I decided to give myself an extra day and risk losing 1/2 a mark (not that 1/2 a mark mattered at this stage), and the internet didn't connect 'till 4:30 pm that day, so I gave myself the weekend. Saturday, wasn't really bothered... read Freud instead, and started to come down with a cold. Worked sunday and was sick sunday night. So, now it's monday night, and I've worked on it a bit more (had work 'till 3 pm), and I could try and get it done for tomorrow... but that would require effort that I'm not willing to dispense. I FEEL, almost intuitively, that getting it done tonight is not the thing to do. I almost have a voice in my ear saying "go to sleep... This is how it's meant to be." I'll most likely end up handing it in on thursday, maybe friday - a week late.
I feel like I've gone from identifying myself through my results, to feeling a strange calm whilst everyone moves around me. I don't know if I care, I don't know if I have any control over anything... I feel like I've dreamt this entire school year. The people I meet, their faces bore me because they seem to fill 'moulds', or 'visions' of who they should be - they fill a space that I've already felt.
Most people seem to be 'on top' of things (although I know that they're not and it's an illusion we keep up for ourselves, for fear of a lack of control... of dying). I feel like I've been taken away by another force.
I know that I'll have to snap out of this world to a certain extent, to continue my work, because I have some large, 'important' assessments coming up that require my anxiety-driven perfectionism, but I like this world that I've found... I wonder if I can remain in it and still get things done?
Maybe I need to learn a balance - to work towards doing well, without the pressure that I'd previously put on myself.
Which is why it feels like I'm where I'm meant to be now, if only because it's a reflection of a reaction to my previous approach. There's no way that I wasn't going to end up standing here.
I'm not sad, I'm rather glad about it. I'm not really calm though... I'm rather stressed and overwhelmed inside too, but I'm 'split' from that at the same time.
Anyway, very random post, I know...
Just looking for similar experiences with the self, and what came of it...? Any opinions, thoughts, reflections?
Jodi
I'd been applying myself in college. Then it came to the 2 week break and I was adamant on using that time to work on a psychology essay. I did nothing... I just didn't want to start, and didn't start.
So, I'm in the position where I'm back at college and it's due the next day... So I start, and it's not so bad - requires less effort than I thought. Days have passed since then. I decided to give myself an extra day and risk losing 1/2 a mark (not that 1/2 a mark mattered at this stage), and the internet didn't connect 'till 4:30 pm that day, so I gave myself the weekend. Saturday, wasn't really bothered... read Freud instead, and started to come down with a cold. Worked sunday and was sick sunday night. So, now it's monday night, and I've worked on it a bit more (had work 'till 3 pm), and I could try and get it done for tomorrow... but that would require effort that I'm not willing to dispense. I FEEL, almost intuitively, that getting it done tonight is not the thing to do. I almost have a voice in my ear saying "go to sleep... This is how it's meant to be." I'll most likely end up handing it in on thursday, maybe friday - a week late.
I feel like I've gone from identifying myself through my results, to feeling a strange calm whilst everyone moves around me. I don't know if I care, I don't know if I have any control over anything... I feel like I've dreamt this entire school year. The people I meet, their faces bore me because they seem to fill 'moulds', or 'visions' of who they should be - they fill a space that I've already felt.
Most people seem to be 'on top' of things (although I know that they're not and it's an illusion we keep up for ourselves, for fear of a lack of control... of dying). I feel like I've been taken away by another force.
I know that I'll have to snap out of this world to a certain extent, to continue my work, because I have some large, 'important' assessments coming up that require my anxiety-driven perfectionism, but I like this world that I've found... I wonder if I can remain in it and still get things done?
Maybe I need to learn a balance - to work towards doing well, without the pressure that I'd previously put on myself.
Which is why it feels like I'm where I'm meant to be now, if only because it's a reflection of a reaction to my previous approach. There's no way that I wasn't going to end up standing here.
I'm not sad, I'm rather glad about it. I'm not really calm though... I'm rather stressed and overwhelmed inside too, but I'm 'split' from that at the same time.
Anyway, very random post, I know...
Just looking for similar experiences with the self, and what came of it...? Any opinions, thoughts, reflections?
Jodi