The Paradise Verses

[kelby_lake]

Secret Tempest

Flung by the tempest
Into an unknown land
Vague yet vivid
Lost in gusts
Breathing heavy, heady
Something like fear grabs me
And then I see the light, and I let it go
A quick white flood and then nothing
I look up- the sky is a dead grey
I look ahead and your car drives past me

[kelby_lake]

constructive comments please?

[kelby_lake]

3000 lands away from Paradise

Hear the screams, hear the guns sound
As the bodies of loved ones fall to the ground
The soldiers still fight but they're scared and alone
So many miles away from their homes

His hand is shaking as he points the gun
And he hates the sort of man he's become
But he's been told to fight and they call him a hero
Counting up bodies as they fall to a zero

And who's the enemy? He's not sure
Was there really a point to war?
All he can hear is a world that is crying
A world getting smaller as its people lie dying

Bullet to his leg, but the deepest wound
Is the love and the happiness this war has consumed
His ears still ringing with the sound of violence
Bled all he can bleed- one scream, and then silence...

[caelycate]

kelbylake, i really like your work. the second poem is perfection - and a very emotionally charged poem in general. the first poem i didn't quite understand, but i know that's normal - poetry is a personal thing, and i am sure my stuff doesn't make sense to anyone half the time, haha. the strong adjectives you use evoke strong emotions in the reader - very nice!

[firefangled]

kelbylake, i really like your work... poetry is a personal thing... very nice!

This is so true. To me the first one was more appealing for its mystery. I did also enjoy the other, but I don't always like to understand everything in a poem on first read. Keep writing.