You have awakened...

[Tournesol]

Hi guys!

This is the very first time that I'm starting a thread of my own, and it's of my own poetry! [gulp] Let me know what you think...


~*~


At this time
I can feel my self-awareness.
My hands are warm,
And they are burning from the cold they felt last night.
My feet are tired, but contented.
I am hearing music.
I wish I could see you this morning.
You bring me a sense of peace.

Watching this pen write words that will soon to me be strange;
I think of how I shall react to your warm smile in a while.
The hands that wash your face I wish to be the ones that hold mine.
Hold me for a while.
Just let this moment last while it passes.
Let it linger upon my mind, and upon my tongue;
I can taste its sweetness,
Mixed with the sour reality
That before long we have to go.

My warm hands have made the paper limp; so that
Its feel reminds me of slept-in sheets: comfortable and safe.
I don’t want to leave it; don’t want to go.
Your eyes are the sheets that cover my fear.
I smile to myself.
You have awakened.

28th October 2002
08:31

[ShadowFire]

Well that is a nice poem. I like the line "Mixed with sour reality"...it is so true. Something neat to do is go through your poem and pay attention to were, when, and how you used temperature. Well, I liked it and thank you for sharing your poem.

[caelycate]

i really enjoyed it, and as shadowfire said it was nice to see how you used the temperature theme throughout.

one piece of (i hope) constructive criticism:
this line:
"The hands that wash your face I wish to be the ones that hold mine."

it seemed awkward to me. i understand the message you were trying to get across, and the idea is right - but the syntax seems awkward to me, and the analogy you used is not very appealing.

but other than that - brilliant!

welcome by the way!

[Tournesol]

Thanks for the advice caelycate!

That particular line I really like. I have a thing for hands. I feel that a person washing his/her face is a very personal thing. I wanted to express that he/she should be as personal with his/her lover...very personal, and not distant at all.

By the way, shouldn't I be welcoming you?! LOL