An elegy for the kitten

[Jilla]

[ this morning I saw a bad thing , a kitten was dead ....]

An elegy for the kitten

As I open the door
and come to the street ,
I see you sleeping down,
so sweet.
I call your name ,
make some strange sound ;
maybe you awake , afraid and runaway
while you are lying on the ground.

But you didn`t afraid ,
nor awake ,
and those make me sure
that you will sleep
forevermore.

You won`t awake to see
the very blue sky,
and I can`t see anymore
your wistful eye.

I won`t see you never
tossing again ,
and now
my heart if full of pain .

I won`t see you ,
playing on the ground
not chasing of your tail
that makes you turn around .

You won`t awake to chase
insects and bugs,
so I know you won`t stare at me
with your innocent eyes.

I know you had careful parents,
who watch you every day
with their whole talents
BUt
do they know
that you are sleeping on the street?!
with some red spots on your neck;
do they know that you bleed ?

I won`t cry no more
not tell another verse
and I finish thinking about
THis curseful curse .

--------------------------
Can I have your opinion about this ?

[BSturdy]

To me some of the english is not technically perfect and I could suggest some corrections - but it is easy to criticize anything. It may be more effective as it is. Your poem touched me.

One of brothers/his girlfriends kittens died recently, it was very sad.

[sycho_warrior]

:(
made me think off my cat that died

[Jilla]

BSturdy , thank you for you opinion , could you please tell me the correction that you advise and I will know the weakness of my poem .
Thanks alot

[BSturdy]

It's not a case of correcting - weakness can be strength - to me the expression in your poem comes from the fact that you are trying to write about something that made you sad, in another language. This emphasises the emotion. Also I am not a poet.

But I'll give it a quick try:

An elegy for the kitten

As I open the door
and walk to the street ,
I see you sleeping down,
so sweet.

I call your name ,
make some strange sound;
Maybe you will awake, afraid, and runaway?

But you were not afraid,
nor awake.
And this made me sure,
that you will sleep,
forevermore.

You won`t awake to see
the very blue sky,
and I can`t see anymore,
your wistful eyes.

I won`t see you ,
playing on the ground
or chasing off your tail,
that made you turn around.

You won`t awake to chase
insects and bugs,
so I know you won`t stare at me
with your innocent eyes.

I know you had careful parents,
who watched you every day.
Do they know
that you are sleeping,
with some red spots on your neck?

I won`t cry any more
or tell another verse
and I'm finished thinking about
THis curseful curse.

I haven't got the scanning quite right but I hope that helps.

[Jester]

i noticed in the second verse what BSturdy did and was going to ask you if you did that on purpose... but you poem is extremely good, it reminded me of the corws i've been seeing under the tree outside my dorm. There was one two days ago and a new one yesterday half covered with fallen leaves. Death is such a sad thing to look at and gives strength to the best poets.

[BSturdy]

Hi Jester - Can you be a bit more precise. Was I over zealous: I did try and leave as much intact as I could.

I obviously really like the original poem. I much prefer the original from an emotive point of view. Maybe I was being pedantic - dotting the i's and crossing the t's.

The poem also strikes me as being powerfully symbolic of how we find things close to home sad and difficult to connect with tragedies across the planet.

Please note that i did not suggest that the original was wrong - if you read my original post carefully.

[amuse]

a lot of pathos in the first one. maybe the mispellings and all added to that - the simplicity of sorrow. how often do we speak or type correctly when we're grieving, after all?

poor kitty. :(

[Jilla]

Dear Jester , BSturdy , amuse
Thank you for your advises and , they were really useful . English in not my native language
and we don`t speak it in our country , so some misspelling or wrong usage of words comes from
that . like ( didn`t afraid in second verse )
but I think rhymes and rythems are important for a poem ( of course not neccesary )
because of this , for example :
You won`t awake to see
the very blue sky,
and I can`t see anymore
your wistful eye.

I use eye instead of eyes , do you think ( skies - eyes ) is better or ( sky - eye )
and I have another question , is " THis curseful curse ." true ? ( as use in a poem )

[BSturdy]

Yes, use 'eyes' - certainly



Ode to BSturdy

A ton of gaffe tactless faux pas bricks
With no sound at all
Artists are litter
How odd that he thought he had any tips

I felt very akward 'correcting' But from the start I LIKED YOUR POEM - i then presented a 'correct' version

[Scheherazade]

*grins IRL*

me thinks BSturdy has a flair for putting himself into awkward positions!

:nod:

[Jester]

hey BSturdy I meant the spellings in teh orginal... i think the poem was great except for the second verse its slightly hard to read and takes away the flow of the overall peom, everythingelse works really well.

But you didn`t [aren't???] afraid ,
nor awake ,
and those [that???] make [s???] me sure
that you will sleep
forevermore.

i dont want to correct your poem just offereing a suggestiong to make it flow bettier in my mind but of course it might be fine the way it is... up to you, you are the writer afteralll...

[BSturdy]

Hey I was trying to be right I didn\t create the write and I am not left

[BSturdy]

Scher - maybe I should plough through the artist and till my mind ~: )

[Scheherazade]

Hey I was trying to be right I didn\t create the write and I am not left

OK BSturdy... What did you take and how much?



PS: The Artist is NOT the place to start if you want to till your mind (which I rather doubt you need to anyway). I am struggling to concentrate... Joyce thinks he has a rambling mind?? Only because he hasn't been into mine! :(

[Jester]

really confused by what bsturdy said, do not understand :confused:

[BSturdy]

Cornish pasty 100mg

[Scheherazade]

You must have had at least 200 mg... 100 mg doesnt have that kind of effect...