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View Full Version : The Weather is Outside; or Solace



chaplin
04-04-2008, 07:41 PM
Let us start simply then proceed in complexity: She was a woman. She had two sons. She bore those two sons while a youth, and so, to her, they often felt more like nephews from an older sibling than her own children, which produced a complex tenderness for the two, most accurately labeled as exalted affection, rather than simple love.

She was especially fond of her older boy, more so than her youngest, mostly because he was more enjoyable to display and say, "This is my boy..", him being so tall and handsome. When she introduced them she would first reach up to her favorite's ample elbow, which floated just at her collar, and pull him parallel to her, attempting to allude to his height by sharply contrasting it with her own. If one of the new acquaintances mentioned the boy's exceptional verticality, she would pounce, like a released spring, on the remark and say, almost triumphantly, "Yep, 6'3, 6'3." Then, still beaming, she would let out an "Oh!", almost like a hiccup, then swivel to the younger boy and, playfully tapping him on the head, would recite his full name, including middle.

Physically, Janice (for that was her name) was partially plump about the middle and had pendulous, round folds of soft fat that hung, quite loose and seemingly unconnected, all the way down her arms. Her smile, made up of two rows of teeth so evenly spaced that they looked like a pair of freshly painted picket-fences, was the much-used, effectual externalizer of all her abundant mirth. However, it is important to say that she did not always smile out of pure joviality. Sometimes those teeth-fences would be shown only as a result of the abashed insecurity that invariably flooded her while amidst a serious moment.

That is why she limitlessly enjoyed lying in the flickering, luminous lap of a television screen; because television never ceases to laugh; even when it tries to be genuinely staid and pensive it inevitably lets a chuckle slip past once or twice, only to recommence its bellowing Ha-Has once the dark-colored veil is drawn off. Janice found this almost maniacally persistent laughter so congenial, that she rarely would let many hours pass without replenishing the abundant stock of contentment it gave her.

Well, one day (that is how so many great stories begin) she went to the doctor seeking to assuage a series of blinding headaches that had been troubling her, intermittently, for quite a while. The doctor, who always wore two pens in his pocket and had a patch of hair somewhere on his florid face that had evaded his morning razor, told her that he would "run a scan" on her, just in case, but probably just some aspirin and a week would "clear things up".

She took the aspirin, usually in fours, as she had been doing for quite a stretch now, waited the advised week, then returned.

When Janice arrived at the hospital—a large, new, box-like thing—she entered the waiting room brandishing a smile, but in a slightly subdued manner because of the thick, firm quiet that pervaded and reigned inside the sedate building. First, after carefully letting the door swing to, she selected a gaudy magazine from a shelf on the wall and lowered down onto a well-padded chair; only then, with the magazine’s slick pages in her fingers and her knees primly pulled together, did she allow herself a look around the room. Directly across from her was a heavily rouged woman going through a capacious purse on her knees; a few chairs to Janice’s right was another woman, who looked a lot like her self, with a sullen-faced son hunched over a newspaper.

Presently a door opened and everyone slid their eyes up to the doctor who entered, “Hello Janice, your turn.” Janice rose, placing the limp magazine on the chair beside her, and, as she took the doctor’s large hand in her small one, said pleasantly, “My, that was fast. I didn’t have to hardly wait at all.” The doctor grinned and nodded a “Good” then ushered her out of the room.

He led her down a glaringly-lit hallway, walking a step ahead of her, shortly stopping outside a small room with a trio of chairs along one wall. The doctor held open the door and let Janice pass through it, his feet on either side of the threshold, then, leaving the door to close itself, he entered and sat on the cushioned top of a spindly, wooden stool. Janice sat in the last chair of the three and briefly glanced over at a painted landscape hanging just above the doctor’s head.

Tossing the pale-yellow folder he had been carrying down onto the counter next to him, the doctor rested his chin on the heel of his hand and feigned to peruse its contents. Then, looking down at the floor, he let out a deep, full-chested, roughly sibilant sigh filled with obviously ominous overtones. As he swung his legs and body toward his patient, Janice brightened her eyes and smiled, but both had that air of abashed insecurity they were occasionally wont to get.

-----------------------------

On the way home that word, first spoken by the doctor, seemed to be issuing independently from her mind—tumor, tumor, tu-mor—until she thought she could feel the little golf ball searing inside her brain.

The blocks passed unnoticed; her fingers clenched the steering wheel in a whitening grasp; her mind staggered and tripped in its movements; and then, abruptly, she blinked and she was back home. Her body took a few seconds to loosen, like an angered fist, then she quietly removed herself from the car.

It was quiet inside. Both of the boys were gone, still at school. Swallowing, she hung her purse on the door handle. She paused. The disembodied sound of a passing car drifted to her then broke apart, blending seamlessly with the hushed room.

She took a few steps forward, her heels clicking on the landing, then softly patting on the even carpet of the living room. She looked around: at the clean, white walls; up at the close ceiling; and then, with everything settling and coming into focus, she turned toward the television.

APEist
04-06-2008, 11:39 PM
Adjectives and adverbs, oh my!

When I got to the end of the story, I reflected for a bit, and wondered why the first section existed. I must say, I liked the ending, but the beginning seems impertinent.

As for the prose itself... there seems to be at least 1 adjective assigned to every noun, and at least 1 adverb assigned to every verb. Why is this a bad thing? Because your descriptions lose intensity and meaning. It's like someone who uses a curse word in every five words spoken; it dulls the impact and becomes tiring. If you ration the use of your descriptive tags (saving them for the important parts), then they become more powerful.

Basically, your story reads more like a descriptive excercise than proper short fiction; it just seems laden with extraneous weight.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the meat of the story, it's just that I had to needlessly dig to get at it. It reminded me of myself, when I began writing short stories; when I felt the need to immaculately describe everything and flex my vocab. This is odd because I know you're more experienced than me; I remember having read another story of yours and thoroughly enjoying it, and that was when I first signed up.

Your descriptive ability IS impressive, but you need to harness it.

Anyways, here are a few spelling/grammatical errors I spotted:

pensive it inevitable lets- inevitably

usually in fours,- unclear; do you mean 4 aspirin at once, or at 4 hour intervals?

As he swung his legs and body toward his patient Janice brightened her eyes and smiled, but both had that air of abashed insecurity they were occasionally wont to get.- this stumbles; either throw in a comma after patient or restructure.

The disembodied sound of a passing car drifted to her then broke apart,- comma after 'then'

her heels clicking on the landing then softly patting - same as above

DickZ
04-07-2008, 09:24 AM
I'm curious about the notion that the mother in your story considered her children as "nephews from an older sibling" and that she seemed to prefer one child over the other. I've never known a mother who did that - or at least, not one who ever came out and said it.

Are you a mother?

chaplin
04-08-2008, 04:51 PM
I agree with you entirely APEist. The beginning is almost embarrassingly bad and superfluous, but the story seemed even more unsatisfactory with it off than with it on, I don't know why. You're also right in regard to my overly-adorned style. It's something I'm working on but, as you've noticed, I have not completely gotten rid of it. I thank you immensely for reading and commenting on the story.

DickZ, I originally had the mother love her children the way almost every mother does, but I wanted something less conventional, so, at the last minute, I threw in the bit you mentioned. It was probably the wrong thing to do. Oh, and I am not a mother (as a result of my Y-chromosome).

AuntShecky
04-09-2008, 02:15 PM
Finally got around to reading this ( a busy month and an
unbelievably hectic week -- and it's only Wednesday!) Anyway, some thoughts on this story, Chaplin:

1. "Show, don't tell."
We all could learn a lesson from Homer and start our pieces
"in medias res," or at least, a little more dramatically. How about STARTING with the woman driving home from the doctor's (but not telling us why just yet)? The middle part of the story could flashback to her love for tv watching and then the episode @ the doctor's, finishing up with the paragraph that currently closes the piece.

2. Cut down the "fat." Usually a little description goes a long way, especially in a short story. Remember James Joyce's dictum about "scrupulous meanness"? We don't need a lengthy description of the woman's layers of fat or the arrangement of her teeth when she smiles.

3. Similarly, as to your protagonist's relationship with her sons, treated as nephews: I don't see how it contributes to the overall theme of the story. If she had become a mother as a young woman (not a "youth," an expression customarily applied to boys only), that's all that we need to know. If there's a correlation between the early motherhood and the tumor, perhaps a couple of sentences could do the job.

4. Always check your spelling, grammar, word choices. Avoid clichés like somebody told me once, "the plague."

5. Cut. Cut. Cut.

6. Tighten up those sentences.

Good luck with your revision. Looking forward to the next version of this.

Auntie

chaplin
04-09-2008, 05:21 PM
You're completely right Aunt Shecky. I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote this; it is a sloppy, mostly disjointed mess. But hopefully I can learn something from it, if only to spend a little more time on polishing what has already been polished.

AuntShecky
04-11-2008, 11:03 AM
Please don't be so rough on yourself, Chaplin! I'm sorry if the analysis sounded harsh, but I wouldn't have spent any time on it if I didn't think your prose was salvageable.
And listen, none of us is perfect. Talk about a "mess!" You should read my sorry attempts at metrical verse. Uh,
on second thought, maybe you shouldn't!

1n50mn14
04-18-2008, 10:24 AM
Chaplin, you definately have something here. There's very little I can say that hasn't already been said. I enjoyed it immensely, especially because I know that after revisions, it should be fantastic. Nice work.