Pain

[Ace]

Wrote this on the way to my grandparents' house today:

Counting tears while lying on her grave
Residing fears where only to be brave
He hears the wind, He smells the rain
His heart will binge on first love’s pain…

Left alone for nearly a year
No sweet home for this gray cavalier
His eyes they twinge, His tears they stain
His heart will binge on first love’s pain…

Now lay your sword on your girl’s headstone
And prey your eyes to where the birds have flown
The sun will singe, Your will shall drain
Your heart will binge on first love’s pain…

[lucidnightmares]

really enjoyed it
it`s the kind of poetry i like so i guess i can`t find anything wrong with it.
however i did like how it kept coming back to the same line, with alittle twist at the end. how our hearts overflow with sorrow, and how it happens to everyone.

[ShadowFire]

I agree with lucidnightmares. I like the repetition (and twist) of the one line. The one word that came to my mind after reading the poem was " wow". I could just feel the emotion flow from the page. This is very good and I like the tone myself. Thank you.

[Ace]

Bump this for Hillwalker too. :)

[hillwalker]

I feel honoured.... :nod:

But I'll admit right at the start that I just don't 'get' what the others who commented here are saying.

Wow isn't the first word that comes to mind when faced with lines like

Residing fears where only to be brave

which is ungrammatical and makes no sense

or

The sun will singe, Your will shall drain

which are both rather awkward and were obviously penned in order to maintain rhyme.

But there's enough here that can be salvaged if you reworked it and did away with the rhyming that seems to be encouraging you to write some rather forced, unnatural lines.

I also like the twist of the final line in each verse, but I would have chosen a better word than 'binge' that has connotations of excessive consumption.

H

[Delta40]

I liked this much better than the Remorse of Solidiers. Rhyming has a better chance of working here. The meter is out and I would recommend you beware not to let the rhyming steer the shape of your work

keep writing Ace

[Mojtaba-Iraqi]

the first part contains the effective ideas..
I do admire u hillwalker..u represent objective criticism..i hope u read my participations and comment on them

[Ace]

I feel honoured.... :nod:

But I'll admit right at the start that I just don't 'get' what the others who commented here are saying.

Wow isn't the first word that comes to mind when faced with lines like

Residing fears where only to be brave

which is ungrammatical and makes no sense

or

The sun will singe, Your will shall drain

which are both rather awkward and were obviously penned in order to maintain rhyme.

But there's enough here that can be salvaged if you reworked it and did away with the rhyming that seems to be encouraging you to write some rather forced, unnatural lines.

I also like the twist of the final line in each verse, but I would have chosen a better word than 'binge' that has connotations of excessive consumption.

H

"Residing fears where only to be brave" - The man is a soldier, he should be full of bravery and courage, but where the bravery and courage should be in his heart all he can feel is fear.

The second line doesn't sound awkward when I read it out loud either, and the sun does singe ones eyes (especially if you've ever cried outside in the summertime). I would think someones' will would drain as well if their loved one died.

And I think "binge" is the PERFECT word. Do you remember your first love? Not your first crush, or puppy love, but your first love? The one who broke up with you, then you couldn't do a damn thing for the next 5 months even though you only dated for like 3?

Yeah, people "binge" on their first loves and last loves they find. I can't think of a better word, but I'm all open for suggestions of course.

If anything, I thought you would have selected "His eyes they twinge, His tears they stain" as a suggesting point, as I personally think that that line is the most forced of the poem.

[Delta40]

I really don't like this attack/defense situation. It is not encouraging to the member who feels they need to defend their work.

Hill, find a way to help Ace transition into life at lit-net instead of critiquing his work to the point where he feels defensive. I'm sure you know this is what is happening. Take steps to remedy the situation.

Ace, be less protective of what you have written and be open to editing suggestions and praise - not just from Hill but from everyone else.

You are both free not to comment on each others work. It is a choice.

One of you need to end this cycle. Who is it going to be?

[hillwalker]

I'll gladly withdraw and let delusion reign.

H

[Ace]

I'll gladly withdraw and let delusion reign.

H

Delusion?

I was unaware that questioning your posts made me "delusional".

You are more criticizing than CRITIQUING. Every post you make is just to put down what I have written, yet gives me nothing to work with, nothing to give me hope that my poem may succeed with the changes you offer. You basically say what's wrong, then you leave.

So who is the delusional one here?