last letter

[ahsiam]

i wrote my last letter
giving dreams a shroud
surrendering the mistakes
and intensifying the agony


wrote the letter
in the dark cavern of the page
trying hard not to cross the line
but my ebony words walked over the line
and the death came as destruction.


and then my penultimate letter became the last
when last became the death.

[ahsiam]

the poem is that bad?! :(

[symphony]

Nope. Not bad. Could do with some revisions and editing. But its fine the way it is i think.
And this time, i'm not crazy about your last lines, rather i'd say my favorite bit was this:

trying hard not to cross the line

But i'd have to say, you're no more in my "zone" ;) urdhe! urdhe! :D

[ahsiam]

taholei hoise................
thanks for giving a comment. and i am really glad that you liked a line in THIS poem.:)

[ShadowFire]

I like some of the words and the concept of the poem. I agree with symphony that it is a little rough around the edges and needs some touch ups. But we all know that not every poem is perfect...but I am glad you put one of yours up for us to read.

[ahsiam]

thanks for taking time to read it...i will try to edit some of the parts.:)