A Frozen Lake.

[LittleSeth]

Hello everyone!

This is my first post and thought I'd begin by offering my first ever attempt at poetry. That doesn't mean you have to go easy on me of course! I wrote this very short 'poem' the other day and very much enjoyed doing it. I've no idea at all about appropriate formatting or style, or even what makes a poem a poem; I just wrote it as I wanted to. I welcome any criticism at all and I'd love some advice on how to lay out the text.

Thank you everyone and best wishes.

Seth.


A frozen lake, the rising sun. A dry leaf clinging through acid sharp air onto burning frost. Stinging eddies, churn, whip and whirl. Clenched teeth and grinding fear. Wild distortion, stretching, creeping and cracking. Warm shafts comfort and caress, skin smooth, dream soft, relaxing and reassuring. Slow breaths, reconciled thoughts. The sun’s apex, downward strides with darkness chasing. Eyes dart, re-focus, tremble, anxious and mistrustful. Invisible sounds escort the rampant cold, penetrating the moisture, stealing judgement and foraging further. The sun floats early on a cushioning mist, traversing lucid stars. Lapping rays playful and kind, tiny kisses in the future’s past.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Hello everyone!

This is my first post and thought I'd begin by offering my first ever attempt at poetry. That doesn't mean you have to go easy on me of course! I wrote this very short 'poem' the other day and very much enjoyed doing it. I've no idea at all about appropriate formatting or style, or even what makes a poem a poem; I just wrote it as I wanted to. I welcome any criticism at all and I'd love some advice on how to lay out the text.

Thank you everyone and best wishes.

Seth.
It will be interesting to see how different posters suggest formatting this. Without altering anything else, here's my suggestion:


A frozen lake, the rising sun. A dry leaf
clinging through acid sharp air
onto burning frost. Stinging eddies,
churn, whip and whirl.
Clenched teeth and grinding fear.
Wild distortion, stretching, creeping and cracking.
Warm shafts comfort and caress,
skin smooth, dream soft, relaxing and reassuring.

Slow breaths, reconciled thoughts.
The sun’s apex, downward strides
with darkness chasing.
Eyes dart, re-focus, tremble,
anxious and mistrustful.
Invisible sounds escort the rampant cold,
penetrating the moisture, stealing judgement
and foraging further. The sun floats early
on a cushioning mist, traversing lucid stars.

Lapping rays playful and kind,
tiny kisses in the future’s past.

[LittleSeth]

Thank you PrinceMyshkin! That looks much better now. May I ask you, or anyone who may be reading this, what you think of the poem, honestly? Is it confusing or clumsy with the short sharp sentences? Is the grammar OK? Is it in a particular poetic style or mixed up?

Just would love a bit of feedback so I know if I'm on the right track or should be pointed in a better direction.

Thank you so much.

Best wishes,

Seth.

[ShadowFire]

Okay I am no fantastic poet myself but I will give you my opinion. You definately have good words that have meaning, very good adjectives. I did enjoy reading it myself and it has some lines that I can really relate to. Keep working with the poetry and I am glad you joined the site....welcome. I personally don't know enough about poetry to tell the style and such but I can say a lot of poetry comes from within the poet and flows from the heart....if your hand joins the flow everything written has meaning and is beautiful in its own way. Thank you for sharing.