Log in

View Full Version : an american urban legend



shinymikey
03-11-2008, 12:21 AM
It seems there were two guys in Anywhere, USA who got together for a SERIOUS drugging and drinking binge. They started out on beer and tequila, quickly moving onto acid, blow, smack, peyote, shrooms, X, anything they could score!
Needless to say these two gentlemen were soon in a seriously messed up state, the cocktail of drugs taking them beyond any kind of buzz they'd ever experienced in their lives, twisting their minds and showing them visions which ranged from beautiful and sublime to menacing and terrifying.
Around day two or three of this epic endeavour of abuse, the boys decide to take a drive late at night, tooling along a dark back country road, the basket case in the passenger seat screams out that he just saw a goblin! Blearily his compadre glances in the rear view and sees it too!
Instead of driving on and dismissing this encounter the boys, by now so tweaked and twisted as to be almost certifiable, bravely decide to stop, to go back! To capture the goblin for further investigation! Yeah! **** man let's DO this! So they turn the car around and go back.
The goblin is still there, crouched by the side of the road, shivering in the dark, cold night. The boys lurch towards the goblin. Babbling, drooling and giggling wildly, they seize hold of this evil creature, the nobility of their mission giving them superhuman strength, and lift it into the air, the goblin shreiks and howls and struggles, kicking and squealing, terrified. The goblin is small and scrawny, lacking strength and our heroes laugh derisively,
"we got the fu**er!"
"hahahahahahahahahahaha"
"quit giggling like a ***** and pop the fu***n trunk!"
They heave the squirming, crying goblin into the trunk, slamming it shut, they gaze at each other, each man's face swirling and morphing in the others eyes, and embrace, hollering and whooping triumphantly, the agents of light and goodness, savouring their easy victory over this crawling, sneaking denizen of nightmares.
Our heroes become mellow now, they grow tired of aimless driving and head for home, after a scary drive home involving two collisions with parked cars, our boys arrive at the apartment, it is almost dawn and the drugs have begun to cycle down in their bodies, they shiver, they need strong drink. They need to hit the rocks that they have stashed upstairs, but first, there is a job to be done.
Popping the trunk, they lay hands on the creature, hauling it out and upstairs quickly, lest ignorant mortals in the dwellings around them observe and try to interfere. They throw the goblin into the closet, locking the door and head for the living room, quickly extracting the glass pipe and the rocks, pouring absinthe and snorting thick lines of coke.
Our boys become mellow, they play music and finish off their stash, they babble and argue, they grind their teeth and pace the room, they feel their adventure drawing to an end, they hit strong weed and copious amounts of liquer. Time stretches out, 48 hours pass. Finally they sleep.
18 hours later, one of them wakes up. He feels wretched, like he's a hundred years old, every part of his body and soul is in pain, he's trembling and he's puked all down himself. Never again, he thinks, never again.
Just then, he hears a noise coming from the closet.
Getting to his feet, our boy steps over the prostrate from of his amigo and steps fearfully towards the closet. With shaking fumbling hands he unlocks the door and throws it open.
A little child lies curled up inside, weak with fear and dehydration, he's about 5 years old, his face has the distinctive look of someone with down's syndrome.

EPILOG
A few days later, the local newspaper reported the finding of a disabled child who had been missing for several days. Two local men had spotted little Danny while out driving and quickly informed the authorities.
The grateful parents insisted of giving the two heroes a substantial cash reward. Little Danny, because of his disability, could not shed light on where he had been.

Nighteyes5678
03-11-2008, 06:56 PM
I'm curious. What, as an author, was your goal in writing this short story? I feel I can't accurately angle my comments without knowing your purpose and that was a little unclear.

Also, if you could tell me how serious you are about this story, I could better know what kind of comments to leave you. ^_^

Keep writing!

shinymikey
03-11-2008, 07:33 PM
thanks for taking the time to reply.
the story is based on an urban legend which i found online, the original was only a few lines long. i took the basic facts ( men take drugs, see what they think is a goblin, capture it, discover it's a child with DS, claim a reward.)
and expanded on it to try and make it more entertaining.
the reason i did this was because i have been wanting to try creative writing for some time but was unable to come up with any original ideas for a short story.
My reasons for posting it is simply to see if my writing has any merit.
I hope this makes things more clear.

On reflection, i realise my story contains elements which may be offensive to some people. If anyone has a problem, please inform admin and have it removed with my blessing. I am not here to anger or offend anybody. mikey

Nighteyes5678
03-13-2008, 06:25 PM
Ok, so it's intended to be a humorous story. This isn't about content matter - it's about how it was written. I felt that the story was on the cusp between several different genre's, so I thought that should clarify.

My advise to you is probably disappointing: read. Read humorous short stories and pay special attention to their wording, how they build the story up to the ending. Pacing is important, and description is vital.

Then, a thought about content. Many short stories go for a twist ending that is a humorous release to the problem. I might call into question the fairly tragic ending of this story, as it's hard to make that funny. I'm not saying you can't - I've seen horrible things be made light of in effective ways - it's just very difficult.

I'm sorry if this is discouraging, but you have the desire and that's the most important thing. Continue to write and read. You'll get the hang of it. ^_^

shinymikey
03-13-2008, 08:13 PM
thanks for reading it, it wasn't meant to be humorous though, more cautionary i guess like a fable, it was just something i bashed out in 45 minutes while bored one night. I'm certain i could do much better
thank you

Nighteyes5678
03-13-2008, 09:46 PM
I'm sorry, I mistook "entertaining" for humorous. My mistake. To answer your original question, I think your writing does have some merit. I'd encourage you to latch onto a story of your own and spend time to see what you can do. You never know till you try. ^_^

AuntShecky
03-15-2008, 02:50 PM
If a group of libertines desired to launch themselves into an evening of "drinking" and [taking] drugs, in what way could that activity be deemed "SERIOUS"? Certainly the consequences could be serious-- indeed, as your piece wants to say, fatal-- but the motivation for debauchery is almost always trivial and self-indulgent.

There are several other instances in this story that seem to indicate to the reader that the narrator doesn't know what he or she is talking about. Please do not ever again use a child with disabilities as a device to evoke a reader's sympathy. And don't try to describe it wrongly --I've seen the condition written both as "Down's syndrome" or
"Down syndrome" (without the apostrophe) but it's always capitalized, as it is named after the physician who first discovered and described the symptoms.

Please do not attempt to write about topics of which you know little. A writer does not have to experience personally everything, but he or she really has to do the research.

Try to be expressive. Try to avoid verbal laziness. Enlisting four-letter words does not necessary show drama or urgency, even when their appearance is mollified with
asterisks. Epithets and swear words meant to shock when they are used in excess almost always give the opposite effect: they become cliches.

Go read as many pieces of good fiction that you can. Also try to learn the qualities of a well-crafted piece of fiction.

Good luck.

shinymikey
03-15-2008, 07:35 PM
I didn't make up the story, as i have already stated, it's a repeating of a well known urban legend, as i have stated.
If you have a problem with the content, speak to admin and get it removed, as i have stated.
If i could remove it i could, because i don't have the inclination to keep apologising to sanctimonoius, pedantic people such as yourself.
nevertheless, thank you for taking the time to read and comment.

Nighteyes5678
03-16-2008, 05:31 AM
*frowns* Mikey, if you're going to post a story - any story - then you're going to have to learn to take constructive criticism. Learn from it. Getting defensive and insulting isn't going to get you anywhere as a writer, or as a human, or as a member on this board. This is not me chasing you off. It is me suggesting that you reconsider your motives for posting on a board like this, and reminding you that Aunt Shecky has proven herself as fair-minded and helpful to many of us here. Do a little more research and thought before you post.

I meant what I said before. Pick a story, do your best, then I (and the others here) will be happy to help you improve on your writing. Keep reading and writing.