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ampoule
03-09-2008, 12:44 AM
And the Award Goes To


If you must know anything about me, I will tell you, I am quite well-behaved. I follow the rules, including that golden one. I am courteous and avoid conflict, almost, at any cost. There are times that I worry I will be voted out of the Realm of Redheads for the way I suppress both my spit and my fire. And, of course, I am trusting, trusting of you, my total strangers, that you will not turn me in.

So, today I decide to go to a movie, Miss Pettigrew Lives For A Day. I bathed for the obvious reason, the possibility of being in close proximity of others. It is also for this reason that I am very mindful of not wearing too many fragrances so as not to tickle any sensitive noses. Once I arrive at the theatre I adjust my cellphone long before the plea is made onscreen. I never talk out loud, even during the silly concession stand commercials. I do not slurp my lemonade and I pride myself in my ability to eat my popcorn in silence.

About ten minutes into the movie I notice a man, woman and child enter the theatre carrying their super-duper sized popcorn and drinks. I watched as they walked across the theatre to the side I was sitting on. I held my breath as they climbed the steps and filed in right behind me. There were a few hushed whispers as they settled into their seats and then it was quiet. I was able to relax and get back in to the movie.

And then it began. The man started plunging his hands into the bag of popcorn and I pictured him shoving fistfuls of dripping puffs into his mouth as he chewed loudly, with his mouth open. The child, a little girl, was sitting directly behind me, and soon she began kicking and pushing against the back of my chair. Well, I did one of those looks over my shoulder and they must have motioned to the little girl to stop because things quieted down considerably and I was able to pay attention once again to the movie. Every once in awhile there would be a bump against my chair but I was pretty focused by this time and hardly noticed. Then the man jumps up and heads out to the concession stand for free refills. When he returns, the whole scenario repeats itself. Not only do I glance over my shoulder, I turn completely around and look at the little girl and then the man and woman. The man completely ignores me while the woman looks at me with shifty eyes.

Not wanting to say anything, I decide to move. I plan to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. I stand to gather my things and the little girl begins shouting at me to sit down, that she can't see. By this time, everyone in the theatre has their eyes fixed on me. I am so embarrassed but what do I do? I say out loud to everyone, "I'm sorry, but she was kicking my chair!" People started grumbling. "Shut up lady! Sit down! We can't hear the movie!"

I had noticed during all of this fracas that the seats behind them were empty so I moved quickly and sat down, but not before I could give the little girl a stern evil eye. She started crying to the man and before I knew it he was standing on his feet reaching toward me. I had not yet placed my lemonade in the holder and as I held my hand up for protection the cup went flying, splattering everyone within twenty feet. He then reached down and hit my bag of popcorn out of my hands as if it were a volleyball.

By this time, someone had called for the ushers and as they climbed the stairs I said, somewhat under my breath, "It's about time. These people are insane!" Even in the darkness of the theatre, the ushers could see my eyes bulging, my face red and flushed, my body shaking and they grabbed me! They grabbed ME and practically carried me out of the theatre. I began struggling and shouting and soon found myself being pushed through the exit, out into the cold. My breath was so hot it steamed up the door as I looked at them shaking their heads. I kicked at the brick wall and screamed under my breath. The tears in my eyes stung from the cold as I ran to my car. I jumped in and turned on the ignition and the heat. After a few minutes I looked up and caught a glimpse of myself in the rear view mirror. I stared at my reflection and slowly, very slowly, began to smile. This was followed by a slow-motion wink and I heard myself say, "Well, helloooooo Spitfire!"

ampoule, March Eighth, TwoThousandEight

Nighteyes5678
03-09-2008, 04:45 PM
You have some very nice imagery in this piece, especially when first describing the three trouble makers. I cringed when the man started shoveling the "dripping" popcorn into his mouth, which made me identify with the narrator.

Some thoughts:

- How does one scream under their breath? At this point, should she be showing the same restraint she had before?

- This, like most first person narratives, is told in the past tense. However, the narrator at the beginning is using present tense to describe how subdued she is - yet at the end of the story, in the past tense now, she's a spitfire. So there could be some conflict there.

- I'm not good with first person narrative, I'll say that right away. However, I wonder if there isn't some way you could Show us more about the narrator without telling it to us in such a blatant way.

- It would be interesting if the narrator did something a little... more. We're setting her up to be a little neurotic, but she doesn't perform in any bizarre manner. Nor does she react that strongly at the end, so the twist isn't very poignant.

It is a good story, though. I enjoyed it. Keep writing. ^_^

ampoule
03-09-2008, 07:11 PM
Thank you SO much for reading and commenting and you are SO correct with the tense thing. I was all over the place, that's for sure. I was in such a hurry for some reason. I think it may be worth working on. Thank you again.

ampoule
03-10-2008, 09:06 AM
I must say, I'm terribly embarrassed that so many of you have glanced at this and walked off shaking your heads. LOL....not really....JC (just chuckling) :D

DickZ
03-10-2008, 11:04 AM
Gee, ampoule, this is a great piece in that it describes so well what we put up with these days. I haven't been to a movie in a long time - the last one I saw was La Vie en Rose - because there just aren't that many films that appeal to me these days.

But you have captured some of the other reasons I don't go - cellphones going off and people who have no idea they are disturbing others - at least not until they are disturbed themselves. Then they wake up.

I hope this didn't actually happen to you - I hope that it is just a fictitious work intended to describe what could have happened in today's world. But either way, it's certainly entertaining.

ampoule
03-10-2008, 03:26 PM
Thank you Dick. Actually, the first half, up through 'shifty eyes' is true and the remainder is what could have happened. I should have just moved to begin with but I thought, why should I have to do that? Grrrrr.
It was fun writing about it and it cracked me up when nighteyes said something about neurotic. I need to work on that. :D

Oh, oh, and I was going for the Barbara Streisand inflection when she says...Hello gorgeous...when I wrote Hellooooo Spitfire.

AuntShecky
03-15-2008, 02:32 PM
Kind of an interesting plot. It "shows" more in the second half than in the first half, but think of all the ramifications of the word "show." Indeed, when I was a little whippersnapper, we never described ourselves as going "to the movies" or "taking in a flick" but rather "going to the show."

Another artful dimension could be injected into the piece if there were a little parallelism; by that I mean, "show" what's going on with Miss Pettigrew right on the screen and
contrast it with what's going on with the spectator/narrator.

Finally, I would advise to keep a sharp eye on your verbs. They seem to waver between the present tense and the past tense. Writing in the present tense was boringly popular and everywhere in the 1980s; now most stories are written in the past tense. Just pick one and try to stick with it. (I mean in the straight linear line, not flashbacks,which opens a whole new kettle o' mackerel.

Good effort, though, "Little Lights"

Rover
03-20-2008, 07:36 AM
I didn't understand the ending...I guess I lack a cultural reference here?
This story sounds so real, you did a great job with the description of these people in the theatre. I could imagine them very clearly, because of your style of writing, and because they're the typical annoying people that everybody knows and that you see only in theatres, you really captured what is so annoying about them :)

asilef73
03-22-2008, 12:24 PM
you really did a wonderful job with description on this piece. i was actually getting a little irritated with the family myself. :o)

rifkala
03-23-2008, 02:12 AM
It was weird, the beginning made me think the character was older, maybe in her thirties, but at the end i could have sworn she was in her mid-twenties. I feel like her...erm...your tone changed somewhere.

ampoule
03-31-2008, 08:33 AM
It was weird, the beginning made me think the character was older, maybe in her thirties, but at the end i could have sworn she was in her mid-twenties. I feel like her...erm...your tone changed somewhere.

Well, I must say thank you because that is exactly what I was trying to do.

APEist
04-04-2008, 02:59 PM
Hey ampoule, I read this a while ago (probably around a month), and I really enjoyed it. I typed up a post with this nice critique and everything, and then when I went to post my internet explorer bugged out on me and closed. I was pissed so I didn't bother posting again:/

Anyways, now that I've cooled off a little, I'll just say I really enjoyed this... a whole lot, actually. You've got a lot of character in your writing; you sort of remind me of the Aunt:)

Anyways, great piece, and nice job.