Autumn leaves

[Sweets America]

Autumn leaves to the tree
surrendered, crashing
into frowning grass;
Down there, lying, blatantly
exposed ―

The creaking cry,
Perplexed ─
Under the flat blink of the shoe,
Is voiceless.
The choice has been made by someone else.

A creepy echo cracks
A distant bone in my leg.

I feel, somehow, that tomorrow may be fractured.

[PrinceMyshkin]

That is such a strong, confident ending - even if it seems to predict disaster!

There is one error:

[B]
Down there, lying, blatantly
exposed ―

and one line that is masterful!



Under the flat blink of the shoe,

[Sweets America]

That is such a strong, confident ending - even if it seems to predict disaster!

There is one error:


and one line that is masterful!

Thanks Schou. I like my ending too, I mean, I like the theme, but there is something in the line which kind of pisses me off. Perhaps it is the 'may be', or maybe it's something with the rhythm, I don't know.

Oh thank you about 'lie', but I thought lay was ok there. I don't remember the rule.
Thanks for your comment.:)

[symphony]

the second stanza's wonderful.

nicely put.

[Sweets America]

Thanks Symphony, I appreciate your comment.:)

[ampoule]

I commented in your blog but I will say it again...there is something about that frowning green grass that I love. Ooops! I guess you didn't say green but that's what I was thinking as I read it. I like the last line too.

[AuntShecky]

Some graceful and melodious lines here:

creaking cry,
..........
A creepy echo cracks
A distant bone in my leg

The only off-putting thing about the verse are the passive constructions ("to the tree/surrendered" "the choice made by someone else.") -- but then it is an autumn poem, with
the connotations about former vitality of the leaves.

I enjoyed reading this, Sweets.

[Granny5]

Autumn leaves to the tree
surrendered, crashing
into frowning grass;
Down there, lying, blatantly
exposed ―

The creaking cry,
Perplexed ─
Under the flat blink of the shoe,
Is voiceless.
The choice has been made by someone else.

A creepy echo cracks
A distant bone in my leg.

I feel, somehow, that tomorrow may be fractured.

Sweets, This is beautiful! I really enjoy reading it.

[Sweets America]

:banana:

Thanks people. :) This is greatly appreciated.

Ampoule, I saw your comment on my bloggy, thank you very much.

AuntShecky, I'm glad you like this one. Oh, about the passive forms, I didn't see the first one 'the leaves to the tree surrendered' as being passive. They surrendered to the tree. Can you tell me how you read it? I'm not sure.

Oh, I agree with you about the former vitality of the leaves. This is what I meant, I wanted to emphasize the fact that sometimes we are passive in our own destiny, we have no choice because an unplanned event can happen. Thanks for your comment.:)

Granny, thanks as well, that makes me happy that you like it.:)

[Pendragon]

It's that last line that makes the poem. Sweets.

A fracture on tomorrow? Hummm. Will that allow us to see into the future or will that mean the morrow is already ruined?

[Sweets America]

It's that last line that makes the poem. Sweets.

A fracture on tomorrow? Hummm. Will that allow us to see into the future or will that mean the morrow is already ruined?

I think it's more of a hint, you know, the speaker walks on this leaf that makes this creaking sound and...it makes him/her think of loneliness, hurtful feelings and the fact that we never know what catastrophe could happen tomorrow. Maybe this leaf acts like a prediction of the fracture that is to come. Maybe walking on the leaf reminds the speaker of the people he has hurt, and maybe the speaker wonders what would happen if he were in the leaf's place. We don't know if the morrow is already ruined or not, this is why I wrote 'may be', here we only hear the speaker's dread and the way he/she interprets what happens with the leaf. It might as well tell us something about the speaker's frame of mind. Thanks for your comment.:)

[dibyendra]

Autumn leaves to the tree
surrendered, crashing
into frowning grass;
Down there, lying, blatantly
exposed ―

The creaking cry,
Perplexed ─
Under the flat blink of the shoe,
Is voiceless.
The choice has been made by someone else.

A creepy echo cracks
A distant bone in my leg.

I feel, somehow, that tomorrow may be fractured.

Wow Sweets, first and second stanza is really powerful.


Autumn leaves to the tree
surrendered, crashing
into frowning grass;






The creaking cry,
Perplexed ─
Under the flat blink of the shoe,
Is voiceless.
The choice has been made by someone else.



You've excelled this one Sweets!!! Keep up your good work! :thumbs_up

[kiz_paws]

Sweets, I enjoyed your poem. My favorite lines would have to be
Autumn leaves to the tree
surrendered, crashing
into frowning grass;Just those lines made me read the poem more than once. Good stuff! :thumbs_up

[AuntShecky]

Autumn leaves to the tree
surrendered,.

Just play around with the word order to get it to sound smoother:

Autumn leaves surrendered
to the tree


OR

To the tree the autumn leaves
surrendered



I still think the verse is fine, though!

[Sweets America]

Thanks dibyendra, your comment is very nice. :)

Kiz, I'm happy you like my poem too. :)

AuntShecky, I see what you mean in changing the word order, but I like mine. :p
If I had to choose between both of those you propose, however, I would chose the first one, because the second one doesn't sound right to me, it sounds too much like prose maybe.
But, I still prefer my syntax. :blush: I like finishing with 'surendered'. The atmosphere in the first line sounds nice and then you have this word 'surrendered' which announces the following. Also, it was important to start with the leaves because they are at the core of the poem.
But, thanks very much for the advice and for taking the time to read my poem. :)

[firefangled]

Sweets, I enjoyed reading this. I loved the sounds of it. The last line seems just the way those sudden thoughts pop into mind.

[Sweets America]

Thanks Fire, I appreciate your comment and the fact that you heard the cracking sounds in the poem.:)