First Story, yet to be titled

[JustBeginning]

Hi, um this is the first story i think i've ever actually written so any comments would be great. It's kind of based around a dream i had and thisis the first "chapter" i guess of what will be a fairly long if it seems worth carrying on, so here goes...

Delilah pulled up outside the house, turned off the ignition and turned to face Harry. They looked straight at each other and leant in to kiss each other, not in a particularly romantic fashion, more as a state of routine. They slowly broke away from each other.
“Thanks for driving tonight babe, I can pick my car up from the garage tomorrow” said Harry looking genuinely thankful.
“I hope you do, I’m sick of running you around everywhere” Delilah replied, looking truly annoyed at him. Harry knew she probably was annoyed as she hated driving places as it meant she couldn’t have a drink but didn’t say anything about that, not after last time!
“I know I’m sorry, see ya later”
“Bye Harry” she replied and as soon as Harry close the car door she went speeding off up the road. Harry sighed, feeling deflated. It had been really hard work to keep his relationship with Delilah going recently, she seemed like a completely different girl. Although Harry could have had any girl he wanted within their town, he felt he owed it to their relationship to keep trying, he felt a certain loyalty to her.

When Harry got into the house he slowly went to the kitchen to get some water, and after this began to climb the stairs. He stopped half way up, after hearing a strange noise. He listened, and then continued up the stairs so he could hear better. As soon as he’d reach the top he realise what is was. Crying. Coming from Hannah’s room he was pretty sure. He wasn’t surprised, the poor girl had had enough going on for anyone to feel like that. And then, without even realising what he was doing Harry found himself walking towards her room. He slowly opened the door.
“Hannah” he whispered, she didn’t reply. “Hannah it’s Harry, are you alright”, he listened and after a few seconds he heard a feeble reply.
“Harry I’m fine, just go back to bed”. He knelt down next to the bed, and tried to pulled Hannah over to face him but she resisted. “Hannah look at me, I need to know your ok” he said whilst continuing to shake her. He carried this on for several minutes until eventually, with a fair amount of force he had managed to make Hannah face him.

Her eyes were swollen and red, and the tears were still there ready to drop, Harry had never seen her look so.. Vunerable, beautiful even. He paused and stared at her, and then took a deep breath.
“I’m so sorry” she sobbed, “Honestly just go to bed, I can handle this myself”
“I know you can, but Hannah you don’t have to. I want to help you, just talk to me” Harry replied, not taking his eyes away from hers for what seemed like hours. She broke the eye contact, “Harry, there is nothing you can do, you can’t reverse what happened and you can’t be with me all the time so I’m not alone” she said.

Harry pulled her face to look at him, and with all his courage said “At least let me be with you tonight, I’ll look after you until you can sleep”
“Harry, why would you want to do that? I really don’t mind you just going” Hannah whispered. Harry looked down, and then suddenly blushed at what he had been thinking, he knew he had to tell her what he’d been thinking and gulped before he said, “Hannah, I want to stay with you and help you. I’ve never seen someone look so beautiful when they cry Hannah, and know my heart racing and I’m feeling really strange but all I know is I want to stay here with you”

Silence, neither of them said anything after that. They just looked straight into each others eyes, Hannah into Harrys big blue eyes, and Harry into Hannah pure brown eyes. And then, without either of them initiating it, they leant forward into a slow kiss. It started out timidly, as if they were both unsure but then became more passionate. They both began tasting each other, whilst Harry ran his hands through her hair.

After a few minutes the kiss came to a mutual end, but they both continued looking at each other. Harry broke eye contact this time, “I’m so sorry. You were upset and I did that, I really didn’t come in here for that I just was checking your ok. I promise it won’t happen again, I mean not that I don’t want it to but it’s not fair for me to take advantage of you like this and…”
“Harry, just shut up”
“What?”
“Just shut up and hold me tonight, please” whispered Hannah. Harry looked at her for reassurance, and then climb into the bed next to her and put his arms around her. Finally, for the first time since her parents crash Hannah felt safe, and they both fell asleep in each others arms.

[APEist]

This thread needs Auntshecky.

[JustBeginning]

what?

[Nighteyes5678]

Auntshecky is someone who is going to come along and tell you what you should do.

And her advice will be golden. Listen to it.

We each, I think, have our arenas and you're certainly in hers. I'll wait till she posts so we don't repeat each other, but I will comment on this story, don't worry. ^_^

[Granny5]

This thread needs Auntshecky.

You are so right, APEist. Auntie will help you and make you a better writer. It's not bad, but she'll be able to give you some pointers. Keep writing.

[AuntShecky]

Did somebody call me?

I read a little of the piece that opened this thread, and my initial opinion is that the poster should try to pay attention in English class. I found a comma splice and several spelling errors in the first few paragraphs. Anytime you type the word "I," don't forget to use the shift key.

I realize that this is your first story. If you are serious about writing, however, you could check out this (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=30952)posting from yesterday

(Look at Reply #4.)


Feel free to send me a PM if you have any questions.

P.S. -- I am no "expert" by any means, other than having practiced at this for decades.

[JustBeginning]

Thanks for the comment, however I would have actually preferred comments about the story itself, not my spelling or grammer. To be honest I did not realise that they people would take this so seriously on an internet forum, but I shall try to make sure that it is correct in the future. I'm not meaning to sound ungrateful but for comments like that I could have just re-read the story myself and I'm also not meaning to sound like I can't take criticism which I'm sure it sounds like. I am just trying to explain the comments I was expecting.

[APEist]

Oh, well in that case, I didn't like it. It has "Lifetime Special" stamped all over it, especially the dialogue. The MC was a tad unbelievable for me; I've never known so sensitive a man. He's too ideal.

It sounds like, in the MC, you've created the type of man you would want for yourself. He's flawless, and therefore flat.


But yea, this is an online forums, so I guess you don't NEED to pay too much attention to spelling/grammar. Just keep in mind, that the less attention you pay to grammar and spelling, the less attention people will pay to your story.

[Nighteyes5678]

It's been said elsewhere on this forum, but I'll echo it here because you brought it up. Spelling and grammar errors are easy to fix. As you said yourself, they're so simple that all it takes it another read through.

Why didn't you do that? It takes five minutes for a piece like this.

Frankly, you'll find that, even on the internet, people (readers) don't want to extend more effort reading a piece than you spent writing it. It takes work and effort to read a story that's riddled with errors that are so easily fixed. Also? It takes time to come up with quality critiques of a story.

My rule of thumb when responding to a story is to make my comments as serious as the author was when he or she wrote it. If I don't think the author took the piece very seriously, then I'm certainly not going to spend a lot of time with serious comments. Why? Well, usually, it's not appreciated. usually, people (as Shecky's sig points out) simply want your praise and that probability goes up with the more "casual" writing.

So, in short, if you want casual comments, then please post a casual (error riddled) story. If you want more serious comments, then take your writing seriously as well.

I'm still going to critique it myself and, since you've requested it, I'll be more serious when I do. However, my above comments are sincere and meant in the best way possible.

[DickZ]

Thanks for the comment, however I would have actually preferred comments about the story itself, not my spelling or grammer. ...
It's obvious that you don't care much about spelling or grammer, whatever grammer is. That's why no serious reader will care much about your writing.

[Granny5]

JustBeginning, there is so much assistance here for anyone who wants to write anything that they want someone to read. I don't want to be a great writer; I just want to tell some stories for later generations about my family and ancestors. But I don't want anyone who reads these stories to think I'm an idiot! Aunt Shecky, DickZ, APEist, Nighteyes5678, and any number of members are willing to help anyone who wants to improve. Take their advise to heart if you want to be a GOOD writer.
I don't really know who anyone is in this story. Are they brother and sister? Are they roommates? Are they cousins? Why are they living in the same home? What's the background? It leaves a lot to the reader to figure out. I don't know if Harry is a good guy or a bad guy. It would depend on what his relationship to Hannah is. It's hard to read smoothly with the grammar and spelling mistakes in it. They must be fixed in order for the reader to read it and enjoy it. It takes too much work, that you should do, for a reader to figure it all out.

[Nighteyes5678]

Alright! Finally, my promised review. I'm actually going to do a lot more than I had initially planned on doing simply because you've stated that you consider yourself to be serious about your writing. Fine, I'll be serious too and, if you revise and put up a second draft, we'll just understand that it should reflect that seriousness. ^_^

Delilah pulled up outside the house, turned off the ignition and turned to face Harry. They looked straight at each other and leant in to kiss each other, not in a particularly romantic fashion, more as a state of routine. They slowly broke away from each other. - There are good ways to Show something like the kiss without Telling the reader that they've sunk into a routine and there is little romance there. This is an important paragraph for what is to come later and frankly, you can't afford for it to be less than perfect. I suggest writing out at least 10 different ways to describe the kiss and then hammer it until it's perfect. Also? If it's routine, why are they breaking apart slowly? All of my routine kisses are quick in, quick out. That sentence doesn't mesh with the sentence and I'd either make the controlling idea of the paragraph more clear in it, or rip it out of the story and throw it into the incinerator where it belongs.


“Thanks for driving tonight babe, I can pick my car up from the garage tomorrow” said Harry looking genuinely thankful.
“I hope you do, I’m sick of running you around everywhere” Delilah replied, looking truly annoyed at him. Harry knew she probably was annoyed as she hated driving places as it meant she couldn’t have a drink but didn’t say anything about that, not after last time! - Alright, a few things on this little section here. First of all, one thing you'll learn to spot when rereading your work (I can't stress how vital it is that you read and reread your work to yourself aloud, it catches so much it's insane), is word repetition. You should only have it when it is purposefully done to sink in a point. I am, of course, referring to "Harry looking..." and "Delilah replied, looking..." we have two "looking"'s right next to each other and if you're trying for parallelism, then that's weak in of itself. So, new words!

Another thought on this section is, again, the Telling. You Tell us that Harry is genuinely thankful and you Tell us, so painfully, that Delilah is annoyed. Honestly, if I may be blunt, the Telling in this section is painful because it is insulting. I suggest identifying your audience before starting to write. If I can be arrogant for a moment, I'm going to say that if your audience is for people like me, than we're capable of a little bit of an intuitive leap. Because of that, you can take some risks with Showing so that we understand that Harry is thankful and Delilah is annoyed. Again, come up with new ways to write this section. Also? I don't know if you meant it, but Harry is a serious doormat and I have trouble having any respect for him. In fact, I'll probably get into my dislike of Harry more later, but yeah, I think he's scum. >_> And finally, I suggest picking a different name other than Delilah unless you want Biblical connotations.


“I know I’m sorry, see ya later”
“Bye Harry” she replied and as soon as Harry close the car door she went speeding off up the road. - "she went speeding off up the road." Not only is that awkward, but it's more Telling that we don't need. Find a way to get some action into it, eh?

Harry sighed, feeling deflated. It had been really hard work to keep his relationship with Delilah going recently, she seemed like a completely different girl. - Ack! More Telling! Why? Why? We can tell that it's hard work to keep things going with Delilah. She's done nothing admirable, she's a drunkard who misses her bottle, she treats him like poo. We get it! What I'm more interested in, especially if this is really the first chapter in a longer story, is a hint, a glimmer of what could have changed her. Why has she changed? What was she like before? This isn't the best time for it, I know, but your wordage would be better used with foreshadowing than repetition.

Although Harry could have had any girl he wanted within their town, he felt he owed it to their relationship to keep trying, he felt a certain loyalty to her. - Now you Tell us that Harry could have any girl he wanted. First of all, I don't understand why. Harry is a doormat who is passive/aggressive and
doesn't strike me as very intelligent, nor as very quick on the uptake. It might be interesting if you could give the story a little context. Is the town large or small? Is it the kind where he's lived there all his life or is he new? Some sort of setting hint. Do we know how long he's been dating her? Clearly for a longer time, yes?

When Harry got into the house he slowly went to the kitchen to get some water, and after this began to climb the stairs. - Why is this important? Frankly, I don't care if he gets a drink, nor do I care about these stairs. What I DO want to know is some sort of hint of Harry, of who he is. Houses are very intimate and if someone is aware, they can get a pretty good feel for someone by walking through it. Is it messy or clean? Decorated or sparse? Does he live alone or does he have friends? A cat person or a dog person? Are there messages we could listen to, a note on the fridge, bills that need to be paid? I don't care about the water, but I might care about the kitchen. Does he need to rinse the glass before drinking? Does he use tap or filtered? Use these details to Show us your character that way you can avoid more Telling later.

He stopped half way up, after hearing a strange noise. He listened, and then continued up the stairs so he could hear better. As soon as he’d reach the top he realise what is was. Crying. - Reactions are everything. They are a way to Show instead of Tell. His reaction is to pause and to listen closer. Yet, we don't get into his head at all, which is a shame. Is he surprised to hear crying? Should we be surprised to hear crying? Right now, I'm thinking, "this guy lives alone" OR "he lives with his family/folks." Frankly, I don't even know how old Harry is. I assume he's older than 21 because drinking was mentioned, but I have no support for this. So, should we be scared? Is this a robber who is now crying? I don't know and neither does Harry help me with this. Also? the action is stilted. Try to paint the picture a little bit more clear so I can see what's going on.

Coming from Hannah’s room he was pretty sure. He wasn’t surprised, the poor girl had had enough going on for anyone to feel like that. And then, without even realising what he was doing Harry found himself walking towards her room. He slowly opened the door. - Pardon my language, but at this point, I remember thinking clearly, "What the hell?" Now we have a Hannah? It's not revealed to us, but mentioned casually. Harry knows Hannah, but I don't. She has a room. Ok then, I'm thinking. Clearly it's his sister. So, Harry lives with his family and he has a sister named Hannah. Gotcha.

We also learn that Hannah has enough going on, but no clue as to what. That's cool, build suspense... but that sentence still reads weird. I suggest fixing it.

Finally, Harry's actions doesn't make sense. He's not surprised at the crying, nor is he emotional in any way. Yet, he still acts without thinking. Have you ever walked somewhere or moved without thinking? How were you feeling? I'll bet you that Harry isn't feeling that way. How do I know? The only emotion we've gotten from him is passive irritation and weariness. So, this kinda jars with that sort of action. Just pointing it out.


“Hannah” he whispered, she didn’t reply. “Hannah it’s Harry, are you alright”, he listened and after a few seconds he heard a feeble reply.
“Harry I’m fine, just go back to bed”. - Besides the punctuation errors that riddle this section of dialogue (speaking of which, it is so very, very important to have correct punctuation in your dialogue. It's probably where it's the most important and I suggest you really, really speak your dialogue aloud. It would help if you could rope someone into acting it out; that always helps me. It needs to at least be clear.), it gives us a little bit more to go with. But I don't think feeble is the word you want. Also, no reaction from Hannah? Is she used to this Harry sticking his head into her bedroom at night? How late is it, anyway? Does she try and cover up the fact that she was crying? Sniffle a little bit? Stomp your toe until you cry, then try and talk right away. It's tricky business. Perhaps you could Show us a little of Hannah by her reaction here.

He knelt down next to the bed, and tried to pulled Hannah over to face him but she resisted. - Ack! Good god, Harry teleports! At least... last time I checked he was by the door... I'm not saying it's necessary to include every transition, but it does read in a continuous manner, so the flow suggests that it is immediate.

“Hannah look at me, I need to know your ok” he said whilst continuing to shake her. He carried this on for several minutes until eventually, with a fair amount of force he had managed to make Hannah face him. - Ok, first of all, I'm thinking that Harry is a real jerk. Seriously, when I'm having myself a good cry, the LAST thing I want is someone of the opposite gender wrestling with me when I'm in my night clothes (unless if it's the right kind of wrestling, but that's a different kind of story...). And he needs to know she's ok? what does he think, that she's broken something? We're assuming that Harry knows what's wrong with her, so at this point, I who have read the story already am thinking, "Geez Harry, her folks died in a car accident! We KNOW what's wrong with her, what do you mean, OK?" And he's shaking and doing this for several minutes until he "managed to make Hannah face him." Really? More force?

Her eyes were swollen and red, and the tears were still there ready to drop, Harry had never seen her look so.. Vunerable, beautiful even. He paused and stared at her, and then took a deep breath. - This would be well-done except I'm lacking the setting. We don't know what she looks like, how old she is, who she is or anything except that she's crying. Also, the fact that vulnerable equals beautiful? This sets up Harry as kind of a creep, but trust me, we'll get into that later too. Have I mentioned I don't like Harry? Moving on.

“I’m so sorry” she sobbed, “Honestly just go to bed, I can handle this myself”
“I know you can, but Hannah you don’t have to. I want to help you, just talk to me” Harry replied, not taking his eyes away from hers for what seemed like hours. She broke the eye contact, “Harry, there is nothing you can do, you can’t reverse what happened and you can’t be with me all the time so I’m not alone” she said. - Ok, so we have a little bit from Hannah now. We know that she's emotionally insecure and apologizes for strange men barging into her room and treating her like a rag doll. Good to know.

See my comments above on dialogue.

"not taking his eyes away from hers for what seemed like hours." Harry is clearly fascinated, but we're not. We're lacking setting, we're lacking mood, we're lacking... something to keep us interested. He'll sit there for hours, but the reader might not. Try and help us paint this picture.

Harry pulled her face to look at him, and with all his courage said “At least let me be with you tonight, I’ll look after you until you can sleep” - Again with the force? Really? really? What this is telling me, the reader, is that these two people aren't close. Which is strange, because so far I have an image of Harry having incestuous thoughts about his sister and enjoying watching her cry. I can understand why they might not be close! But, then again, she's ok with him shaking her like a little kid. So, their actions don't match their relationship.


“Harry, why would you want to do that? I really don’t mind you just going” Hannah whispered. Harry looked down, and then suddenly blushed at what he had been thinking, he knew he had to tell her what he’d been thinking and gulped before he said, “Hannah, I want to stay with you and help you. I’ve never seen someone look so beautiful when they cry Hannah, and know my heart racing and I’m feeling really strange but all I know is I want to stay here with you” - AAAAAHHHHHH!!!! He's a creep! He's a creep!

Ok, I'm done.

But seriously, that is probably the creepiest thing that he could tell a grieving girl. I'm not a girl, but if anyone told my little sister that she looks beautiful when she cries, I'mma kill em. ESPECIALLY if their heart is racing BECAUSE she's crying... cause that means he's getting excited... because she's crying... because her parents [b]died in a car accident! So, you might want to rethink this dialogue.

See my comments about fixing your dialogue. Again.

Also, you Tell us more. You Tell us that "what he had been thinking, he knew he had to tell her what he had been thinking and..." Really? That's a lot of repetition and lost me as a reader. Don't do so much Telling. Show.

Silence, neither of them said anything after that. They just looked straight into each others eyes, Hannah into Harrys big blue eyes, and Harry into Hannah pure brown eyes. And then, without either of them initiating it, they leant forward into a slow kiss. - And now he's kissing his sister... She's his sister, because I haven't been told or shown otherwise. Finally, we have some sort of description of the two characters. Have you noticed that this is the first time some physical detail has been mentioned? I did. I empathize because I rarely describe my characters. I hate it. It's a problem. I'm working on it. I suggest you do the same and if you figure anything out, let me know cause it's a real problem. >_< Also? The description of the kiss is really cheesy and is a cliche. Help?

It started out timidly, as if they were both unsure but then became more passionate. They both began tasting each other, whilst Harry ran his hands through her hair. - Not bad... though frankly after my dislike of Harry, the thought of them tasting each other isn't really the image I want...

After a few minutes the kiss came to a mutual end, but they both continued looking at each other. Harry broke eye contact this time, “I’m so sorry. You were upset and I did that, I really didn’t come in here for that I just was checking your ok. I promise it won’t happen again, I mean not that I don’t want it to but it’s not fair for me to take advantage of you like this and…” - Actually? This isn't that bad! Harry breaks eye contact, which is a nice switch from what happened before. This Shows us something about him. You'll want to fine tune your dialogue, but that is pretty good too. Nice. ^_^

“Harry, just shut up”
“What?”
“Just shut up and hold me tonight, please” whispered Hannah. - This is also a cliche. A well-beloved one, but still, cliche. You might want to change it, or not, depending on the kind of feel you decide to go with.

Harry looked at her for reassurance, and then climb into the bed next to her and put his arms around her. Finally, for the first time since her parents crash Hannah felt safe, and they both fell asleep in each others arms. - This is sweet except... well... we don't know anything about Hannah as a character OR what she's doing in his house. How does Delilah feel about Harry living with another woman that is now, not only NOT his sister, but also his age? And an attractive one at that? So, we do need a bit of detail on Hannah. Finally, we've lived in Harry's head for so long, it's not really practical to ask us to make a jump at the last paragraph. So, you might want to change that.

Alright! Those are the thoughts that I had while reading the story. Please don't be discouraged with how many there are or even the tone at times. I know that I might have come off as harsh, but I was just trying to provide an accurate telling of how I read the story. I was confused in places, lost in others, but I did appreciate parts. I hope that reflected.

If you need clarification or more details on anything I've said or hinted at, please feel free to ask me. I'm more than happy to expand or continue this conversation. Also, I'd love to take another look at it once you've revised it.

Keep writing! ^_^

[APEist]

Uh, Nighteyes, I don't think JustBeginning wanted serious comments, haha.

If she did, then I missed it. I thought she said she wasn't expecting us to be so serious.

PS. That is one mighty review

[DickZ]

Alright! Finally, my promised review.....

Wow, Nighteyes, you worked ten times harder on that story than the author did.

[pbmn]

Yeah, Dick, that's exactly how I was gonna respond.

I'll avoid all grammar/spelling mistakes as it seems like that has been more than been taken care of. If I were to go to a bookstore and see your book, I would read the first chapter, or even the first sentence, to get an idea on whether I would want to read this or not. And I'll tell you this, that book I picked up would be left in the shelf where I found it. I just didn't like it. The first chapter, if done the way you did it, should not leave much speculation to the reader. Obviously, we are going to get it wrong, like interpret Harry and Hannah as brother and sister, and the whole idea of incest would most likely repel the reader from continuing. You need to explain who they are, and how they know eachother. Ok, Harry and Delilah are definitely in a relationship, and a dying one at that, but instead of saying "pulled outside the house", say my house, or my dorm, or something that would explain why Harry and Hannah are making out (and if you are implying brother and sister...). Again, is Harry meant to come out as a creep taking advantage of a lost girl, or is he sincerely falling for her? It sounded like the first to me, and if not meant to be that way, you should definitely fix it.
Also, if you were to pick up this book, and start to read it, in all honesty, would you buy it or borrow it and continue reading it? I wouldn't. It was dry and repetitive, I got lost in reading it actually. You need to write down a story, pick it up, read it as someone who would have no clue about anything of this story, and fix it to make sense for your reader. I'll stop there, it was just mediocre.

One more thing, just as Nighteyes said, bring us into the characters, make us relate to them. Don't write a story as if you are telling a friend some gossip you heard. Don't tell it, show it.

[Nighteyes5678]

Rereading her thoughts, you're probably right, APEist. Some how, I got the feeling that she wanted serious story and writing related questions, not ones limited to grammar and spelling.

If that is the case, then I do apologize. I never want to rip apart someone's story that doesn't want that done for them, nor would I ever presume to comment so much and at such length unless I was asked. If you want me to remain to casual comments, please, just let me know and I'll be more than happy to! Otherwise, I'm passionate about writing and so... there is that danger. heh

[Granny5]

I enjoyed reading your review, Nighteyes, much more than I did the story.
Great Job!
Just don't read anything I've written thank you. LOL

[Nighteyes5678]

Awww, but I like your stories, Granny! Don't make me stop... =(