Don't Touch Me

[1n50mn14]

Don't touch me,
Hands that have known too many other lovers
Disgust me.

My child's body,
Round and supple,
Suferior to marble skin and a woman's breast.

Sweet nothings whispered in my ears
Aren't original,
Other ears have known your words.

Other ears have been told
That they're the only ones to hear.
I suffer the insatiable urge to strike out.

Hurt, tear, and break hearts.
Jealousy and low self esteem.
Don't touch me.

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This definately needs reworking, but I don't know... how. I like the constructive criticism I receive on the boards, and would like to be able to incorporate it into a reworked version of my poem.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Don't touch me,
Hands that have known too many other lovers
Disgust me.This seems to me to set the pitch too high so early in the poem so that everything after it is something of an emotional anticlimax

My child's body,
Round and supple,
Superior to marble skin and a woman's breast.

Sweet nothings whispered in my ears
Aren't original,
Other ears have known your words.

Other ears have been told
That they're the only ones to hear.
I suffer the insatiable urge to strike themout.

Hurt, tears, and broken hearts,
Jealousy and low self esteem.delete the period
Don't touch me.

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This definately needs reworking, but I don't know... how. I like the constructive criticism I receive on the boards, and would like to be able to incorporate it into a reworked version of my poem.

Beyond the changes I've proposed I think this might benefit at the end from a positive statement of what you do want.

[GildedWeb]

I like the subject matter. It could probably use some polishing, but not too much. I like the rawness of it best.

Thats my favorite thing about poetry..raw and gritty stuff.

[jon1jt]

My first impression is that the speaker sounds a bit silly, and I want to tell her to get over it. But she acknowledged the source of her frustration and lashing out, which is interesting, and normally not the case in real life.



Sweet nothings whispered in my ears
Aren't original,

But...but...the speaker seems to imply that it worked on his other lovers. :p

[AuntShecky]

Here's the first time "do not touch me" appeared in poetry; the "noli me tangere" line:

Whoso List to Hunt, I Know where is an Hind
by Sir Thomas Wyatt


Whoso list to hunt, I know where is an hind,
But as for me, hélas, I may no more.
The vain travail hath wearied me so sore,
I am of them that farthest cometh behind.
Yet may I by no means my wearied mind
Draw from the deer, but as she fleeth afore
Fainting I follow. I leave off therefore,
Sithens in a net I seek to hold the wind.
Who list her hunt, I put him out of doubt,
As well as I may spend his time in vain.
And graven with diamonds in letters plain
There is written, her fair neck round about:
Noli me tangere, for Caesar's I am,
And wild for to hold, though I seem tame.

[Pendragon]

I think I might suggest moving that raw first stanza to the end and making it the last stanza. My own rework of your poem, Becca, would go thus:

Hurt, tears, and broken hearts,
Jealousy and low self esteem—
Don't touch me.

My child's body,
Round and supple,
Superior to marble skin and a woman's breast.

Sweet nothings whispered in my ears
Aren't original,
Other ears have known your words.

Other ears have been told
That they're the only ones to hear.
I suffer the insatiable urge to strike out (Here, Jerry, I think Becca means "strike out at the person", so "them" is not needed.)

Don't touch me,
Hands that have known too many other lovers—
Disgust me.

Of course, all changes to be taken lightly as you should never loose sight of the fact that it is your poem...

Pen

[PrinceMyshkin]

I think I might suggest moving that raw first stanza to the end and making it the last stanza. My own rework of your poem, Becca, would go thus:

Hurt, tears, and broken hearts,
Jealousy and low self esteem—
Don't touch me.

My child's body,
Round and supple,
Superior to marble skin and a woman's breast.

Sweet nothings whispered in my ears
Aren't original,
Other ears have known your words.

Other ears have been told
That they're the only ones to hear.
I suffer the insatiable urge to strike out (Here, Jerry, I think Becca means "strike out at the person", so "them" is not needed.)

Don't touch me,
Hands that have known too many other lovers—
Disgust me.

Of course, all changes to be taken lightly as you should never loose sight of the fact that it is your poem...

Pen

Yes, I think that moving that first verse to the end solves the problem I felt of the over-kill posed by "disgust," but whether at the beginning or the end I think, Becca, that you ought to change "too many other lovers" to "so many other lovers". That might seem like a minor change but "too many" sounds like it comes from a prissily superior person.

[AuntShecky]

Of course, all changes to be taken lightly as you should never loose sight of the fact that it is your poem...

Pen

As usual, you're right again, Pen!
Nevertheless, the fact that the participant posted her piece
on this forum "presupposes" -- to use a favorite word of an
old college prof -- that the posting is open to suggestions
and constructive criticism.

[Mathor]

what everyone else said, but i like the overall feeling you conveyed.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Don't touch me,
Hands that have known too many other lovers
Disgust me.

My child's body,
Round and supple,
Suferior to marble skin and a woman's breast.

This is not so much an issue of technique, but rather a question of how you want us to view the persona: the line re marble skin &c offends me because of what appears to be the arrogance of it. And there is a nauve petulance about it. Can one/would one really buy that her child's body is superior to that of any andall women's bodies?


Sweet nothings whispered in my ears
Aren't original,
Other ears have known your words.

Other ears have been told
That they're the only ones to hear.
I suffer the insatiable urge to strike out.

Hurt, tear, and break hearts.
Jealousy and low self esteem.
Don't touch me.

And this last verse abandons all attempts to rise above the occasion they are merely splenetic.

------------
This definately needs reworking, but I don't know... how. I like the constructive criticism I receive on the boards, and would like to be able to incorporate it into a reworked version of my poem.

[mmaria]

I can't say much about the artistic side of the poem, because I like poems so much that almost every poem winns my liking. What I can certainly say is: I like its message.

[kiz_paws]

Don't touch me,
Hands that have known too many other lovers
Disgust me.

My child's body,
Round and supple,
Suferior to marble skin and a woman's breast.

Sweet nothings whispered in my ears
Aren't original,
Other ears have known your words.

Other ears have been told
That they're the only ones to hear.
I suffer the insatiable urge to strike out.

Hurt, tear, and break hearts.
Jealousy and low self esteem.
Don't touch me.

------------
This definately needs reworking, but I don't know... how. I like the constructive criticism I receive on the boards, and would like to be able to incorporate it into a reworked version of my poem.I believe that the others have made some good suggestions; I only know that the gut reaction I had in reading your poem was that I felt the raw anger and hurt (and could hear the odd dish kissing the wall ... ?);)

Good to see you posting your poetry, Bec. :nod:

[NikolaiI]

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This definately needs reworking, but I don't know... how. I like the constructive criticism I receive on the boards, and would like to be able to incorporate it into a reworked version of my poem.

I don't think it needs reworking, it actually read fine to me. The first stanza catches your attention and it works perfectly, so the reader is inclined to like the whole poem based on that first stanza.

[Silas Thorne]

Great you've posted a poem, Becca! :)
I think you could improve this one and make it better based on the comments above, but I'm glad you put it out here.
Just my opinion: Take time and weigh up the comments with what you intended in the poem. Try and read it aloud for feel and content whenever you make any changes. Personally I feel the child's body stanza was a bit hard to read, and agree with PrinceMyshkin views on this.
Write on! :)

[breathtest]

I love the first stanza it is so raw and angry