Seagull

[jon1jt]

I am a sad seagull,
with a pine needle beak.

[blp]

You had me until 'old Dylan record'.

[jon1jt]

You had me until 'old Dylan record'.


blp, I know what you mean. I posted the original ending above. I have three versions actually, it was late, I couldn't decide. All equally dissatisfying. I think I got out of hand last night, having returned home from a cover band playing Dylan. The things that creep into our work. Thanks.

[Pendragon]

You've eaten venison heart to compare the taste to sweet grass, Jon, in upstate New York?

[blp]

It'd be cool if you left the old versions and added a new post when you made changes.

the sea shell thing doesn't seem to be improving matters. Maybe something like 'like an old 78' or 'like an old Mario Lanza record'. I'm joking about the second suggestion really.

[jon1jt]

It'd be cool if you left the old versions and added a new post when you made changes.

Okay, I'll just post the revision here and the ending you initially responded to above. Thanks for input, blp.

Seagull,
with pine needle beak,
turpentine eyes
watching for bones,
or insects running in rows.
A flocked snow in mute sky;
weightless flesh trekking clouds.
Hangs on Pacific Palisades
with mud under claws,
assaulting the sweet grass
as if it were a venison heart.

I climbed to see you one day,
but in my shadow cast you tore off,
leaving behind your voice
in my ear--
stews
like an old seashell.

[Il Penseroso]

hmm, I think "cracks the air" works real well with the "shadow cast you tore off", but I agree with blp that you need something a little more for the very ending there.

really though, this has very strong lines, basically one after the other.



it's nice to see a seagull presented in a new light

[AuntShecky]

I prefer this second version, Jon:
Seagull,
with pine needle beak,
turpentine eyes
watching for bones,
or insects running in rows.
A flocked snow in mute sky;
weightless flesh trekking clouds.
Hangs on Pacific Palisades
with mud under claws,
assaulting the sweet grass
as if it were a venison heart.

I climbed to see you one day,
but in my shadow cast you tore off,
leaving behind your voice
in my ear--
stews
like an old seashell.

The following aren't criticisms at all, but merely questions.
"turpentine" for the bird's eyes> the color?

"trekking" rather than "tracking"? though your choice has
a nice sonic quality.

I know they call gulls the scavengers of the sea (along with cormorants) and like the landlubbing species they've been known to eat anything. But I've never in my life seen a bird eat grass, sweet or otherwise. And would a gull easily find venison near the seashore? Maybe a different species for the carrion?

The syntax in this line is a little off-putting:
but in my shadow cast you tore off,

and "stews" is an interesting wd. choice, connoting ponders or frets as well as a way of preparing meat for cooking.

These are mere quibbles, Jon, not criticisms. For I do think the verse succeeds.

Your work is always interesting!

[blp]

I like 'cracks the air' too.

[Sweets America]

I like this! :) I love these lines:


A flocked snow in mute sky;
weightless flesh trekking clouds.

Oh and I liked the 'old Dylan record'. :( The old seashell is a lot less original. The old Dylan record is not extremely original, but at least I liked the break it made with the rest of the poem.

Thank you for posting this.

Oh, and, if you want to know: I dreamt of you last night. :alien:

[jon1jt]

You've eaten venison heart to compare the taste to sweet grass, Jon, in upstate New York?

I think Aunty made a similar point about the venison, I'll double check. My understanding is that gulls are not very fussy when it comes to eating. When I said the seagull was "assaulting the grass," I meant from my limited viewpoint from below the palisade. I didn't actually know what he was eating.

Pen, have you been to the Five Lakes Region in upstate? Ithaca? Or right across the border into Pennsylvania---Susquehanna County has rolling hills, wild life, and children who wave to you along country roads. And there's plenty of sweet grass too. I may eat some this spring. :p

I never tried venison, never will. I don't like it that they kill deer.

I'd like to respond to some others in a bit. I must have my lunch. I'm having blueberries and strawberries for dessert. :p

[jon1jt]

I like this! :)Oh, and, if you want to know: I dreamt of you last night. :alien:


I had a dream last night too and I wrote this in my dream notebook. Maybe we shared the same dream. :p



We collected kisses
and emptied them over the earth.
I quivered in my wet clothes
into the swallowing darkness.
You were counting stars,
descending on the dusty
ladder of my life

[SleepyWitch]

how's about: like a streak of seabird sh*t/ dashed across a vintage viewcard?

don't laugh, I'm serious :alien:

[Sweets America]

how's about: like a streak of seabird sh*t/ dashed across a vintage viewcard?

don't laugh, I'm serious :alien:

:lol: Well, that's original. :D

Oh, Jon, I loved those lines you added. They are very beautiful and poetic. Oh, my dream was quite different. You were gone far away, and I logged in on LitNet under your screen name (I somehow knew your password), and I wrote a long entry in your blog so that you could read it when you would be back. That was strange. I remember I wrote and wrote and would not stop writing in your damn blog. :alien:

[1n50mn14]

This reminds me so much of Jonathan Livingston Seagull, beautiful work.