Find Me Without Ego

[sparr0w]

The end found me crawling on my belly for more.
The end found me damned
and remorseful
and fearless
and laughing my *** off,
thinking back to those wonderful days
when I thought I knew everything.
Seems so funny now, if you think about it.
Everything I believed it to be,
Being as it is everything I never was.
I never was too concerned about
much of anything.
Maybee even a little cocky, even.
...And, in the end, I pray you find me without ego.
In the end, I really hope I am God.
I hope the end finds us all without regret.
In the end, I hope you can understand
why I was the person I was,
Because in the end, my love,
it was all for you.


P.S.
"Everyone's got their own idea
about what they think death will be like. I, personally,
look forward to that last waking moment when
I realize just how absurd this all really was"

Peace- sparr0w

***As always, ALL feedback greatly appreciated, both positive
and negative. thank you very much, from the bottom of my heart.

[jon1jt]

why I was the person I was,
Because in the end, my love,
it was all for you.

I'll give you an Amen for that.

Nicely done, sparrow.

[Sweets America]

I agree with Jon. It was an interesting poem.

[ReynardKitsune]

yes, it is awesome and crystal clear meaning was(at least i can understand) embed to it

[lucidnightmares]

that was shorter than normal, but contained the same awe and inspiration that you normal seem to be able to inject into your poems.

"Seems so funny now, if you think about it.
Everything I believed it to be,
Being as it is everything I never was."

that line really hit me, and hard.got my mind working, and for the last few days it`s been in a rut, so for that i thank you.

totally honest.....

"In the end, I really hope I am God."


some say we all secretly wish to be immortal, and you nailed it dead on:thumbs_up

[PrinceMyshkin]

The end found me crawling on my belly for more.
The end found me damned
and remorseful
and fearless
and laughing my *** off,
thinking back to those wonderful days
when I thought I knew everything.
Seems so funny now, if you think about it.
Everything I believed it to be,
Being as it is everything I never was.
I never was too concerned about
much of anything.
Maybee even a little cocky, even.
...And, in the end, I pray you find me without ego.
In the end, I really hope I am God.
I hope the end finds us all without regret.
In the end, I hope you can understand
why I was the person I was,
Because in the end, my love,
it was all for you.


P.S.
"Everyone's got their own idea
about what they think death will be like. I, personally,
look forward to that last waking moment when
I realize just how absurd this all really was"

Peace- sparr0w

***As always, ALL feedback greatly appreciated, both positive
and negative. thank you very much, from the bottom of my heart.

A most interesting rumination, but should you really prejudge your final assessment of your life? What if, after all, your final thought is how absurd it was to think it was all absurd? What if it shines for you as having been a glorious adventure, stumbles, mis-steps and all?

[sparr0w]

Wow! Hey, thanks all for your feedback, I deeply and honestly appreciate it. This one I personally diddn't like so much when I first wrote it, but after a couple years it really grew on me. I'll admit, I have changed it a bit from what it started out as, which I normally try not to do, but in this case I think it was for the better. To Jon, Sweets, and Raynard, thank you for reading. If I'm not mistaken, this is the first I have heard from the three of you (If im mistaken, please accept my apologies. I don't have the best memory sometimes), and I very much Look forward to hearing from you again in the future, if you should grant. To Lucid, you know how much I love hearing from you! We often times seem to be much on the same page. You actually picked out the lines I changed for the final version, and at risk of "tooting my own horn", those were my personal favorite parts as well. And to Prince, I also always appreciate your feedback, as you give great (though, admittedly sometimes hard to take) constructive criticism, as well as ask questions which leave me to reflect, which as we both know, is always a good thing. As to your comment here, I actually meant the line "I look forward to the moment when I realize just how absurd this all really was", I think you may have misunderstood what I was trying to say. I actually meant it in an endearing kind of way, that life was an incredible adventure, and I am almost positive that I will look back on all the times I worried and got concerned over trivial things, that I will find it absurd. I can understand, upon re-reading, how this one could have come across as "dark" or even "negative", but it was actually meant to reflect quite the opposite. A looking-back with fondness. Also, I diddn't so much intend this as a prejudgement of my final asessment of my life, but moreso as the way I hope to come to understand the world when the time does come. I've always been facinated with death. Not in a depressing kind of way, just in that I'm curious because no one can really tell you what happens. The idea for this actually came some time ago, after I watched a friend die in the hospital after a long bout with bone marrow cancer. I was in the room when he finally passed, and I remember that in his last minutes, he got a look of total peace and resolution on his face, and even moreso in his eyes... a kind of wisdom which only the dying will ever understand. He laughed with his last breath. That led me to reflect, and wonder, which led to (the first version of) this poem. Thank you for the feedback, though. It got me thinking. Peace all!!!

[NikolaiI]

Thank you my love, it was all for you as well. :D

[PrinceMyshkin]

And to Prince, I also always appreciate your feedback, as you give great (though, admittedly sometimes hard to take) constructive criticism, as well as ask questions which leave me to reflect, which as we both know, is always a good thing. As to your comment here, I actually meant the line "I look forward to the moment when I realize just how absurd this all really was", I think you may have misunderstood what I was trying to say. I actually meant it in an endearing kind of way, that life was an incredible adventure, and I am almost positive that I will look back on all the times I worried and got concerned over trivial things, that I will find it absurd. I can understand, upon re-reading, how this one could have come across as "dark" or even "negative", but it was actually meant to reflect quite the opposite. A looking-back with fondness. Also, I diddn't so much intend this as a prejudgement of my final asessment of my life, but moreso as the way I hope to come to understand the world when the time does come. I've always been facinated with death. Not in a depressing kind of way, just in that I'm curious because no one can really tell you what happens. The idea for this actually came some time ago, after I watched a friend die in the hospital after a long bout with bone marrow cancer. I was in the room when he finally passed, and I remember that in his last minutes, he got a look of total peace and resolution on his face, and even moreso in his eyes... a kind of wisdom which only the dying will ever understand. He laughed with his last breath. That led me to reflect, and wonder, which led to (the first version of) this poem. Thank you for the feedback, though. It got me thinking. Peace all!!!

Many thanks for clarifying. My misreading of your intention is an example of how we often bring ourselves into the reading of a poem. "Absurdity," for me will usually signify something of futility, something of protest. If (not that I am suggesting that you do this) - if the line had read something like comical absurdity I would likely have understood it in the more accepting way you intended.

[sparr0w]

Thanks Prince, It means alot to me for you to reconsider. Normally, I write things in a way that they SHOULD mean something different to everyone, but this one was meant to be quite literal, as it has a deep place in my heart. At one point, the last time I was sick, I considered this as my eulogy, so what people get out of it meant quite alot to me. I will keep this all in mind when I make my next post (hopefully soon, maybee tonight). As I said, I really value your feedback as you are not afraid to give me streight-up constructive criticism, which I appreciate as I would like to grow to be the best writer I can. I do the same thing with my painting and photography (do to appear on caedes.net in the next month or two). I don't like being out and out flamed, but if someone doesn't like something I create, and can tell me why, it can help me grow. Thanks again, and if you don't mind, the next time I post Ill message you about it so you can give me feedback. Oh, and since I diddn't get a chance, Nikolai- All I have to say is "awwww, ur sweet"! heh, peace all! -chris