PDA

View Full Version : Sleeping with the ghost



dibyendra
02-26-2008, 08:01 AM
Sleeping with the ghost (Final edit, some modification into the third version)

Please provide your feedback regarding this final edit.



Talk.
“I won’t.”
Please, I insist.
“But, talk is cheap.”
Silence is not the cure.
"What would you like to hear?"
Open your eyes. See the real world.
"It is chaotic. I'd rather close my eyes."
Trust me. Life is full of surprises. It’s colourful.
“So are my dreams. Please leave me alone to ponder.”
Your attitude has changed. What on this Earth transfigured your perspective?
“Life is not a stagnant pool but a streaming river. There is a vast ocean to meet.”
But, you seem feeble. Look at yourself in the mirror. Please, take a look at yourself.
“Yes, I’m frail child now. All my heroes have died. I can’t face the mirror. It’s such a pathetic!”
Fear not. Stand up and be strong. Heroes never die. Follow their footsteps, path, and their imprints.
“Right, but I want something else - Nirvana. I’ve unshackled my mind to wander into this world and this Universe.”
Why so? Is this because this world is full of turmoil? Something is wrong with you. God, enlighten this young fellow.
"I admit that. Look at these damn politicians and systems. God, please send some saviours down into the Earth."
Seek for a true company who can understand you. I can't see you getting senseless like a lunatic.
"Why I love myself more? I don't know why. But, this is not what I used to be. I'm not crazy."
Why don't you fall in love to whom you love heartily? True love will definitely succeed.
"It hurts. Now, I can't handle the pangs of love anymore. I want to break free."
How can you judge these kind of sentiments? I see the truth in your eyes.
"Some are learned from seeing and much from experiencing this life."
Have some optimism. All you need is change in your perspective.
"I'm not a pessimist. I'm just a victim of circumstances."
Go faraway places. The natural sceneries are grand.
"So are my imaginations and my visualizations."
Look at the bright sides. Life is a long road.
"Oh, forgive me for my blurry visionary."
Everything will be alright. Calm down.
"I know that. Nothing lasts forever."
Sleep and forget your existence.
"Yes, let me be non-existent."
Turn off the lights now.
"I'm alone. I'm afraid"
You are not alone.
"Who are you?"
I am you.
Soul
...
..
.
=================================================
Old versions

Sleeping with the ghost (Second Draft)

Talk.
“I won’t.”
Please, I insist.
“But, talk is cheap.”
Silence is not the cure.
"What would you like to hear?"
Open your eyes. See the real world.
"It is chaotic. I'd rather close my eyes."
Trust me. Life is full of surprises. It’s colourful.
“So are my dreams. Please leave me alone to ponder.”
Such a radical change, this is not what you used to be. Isn’t it?
“Yes, life is not a stagnant pool but a river. There’s an ocean to meet.”
But you seem feeble. Look at yourself in the mirror. Breathe easy, and look.
“Yes, I’m frail child now. All my heroes died. I can’t face the mirror. It’s horrible!”
Fear not. Stand up and be strong. Heroes never die. Follow their footsteps, path, and their imprints.
“Right, but I want something else - Nirvana. I’ve unshackled my mind to wander this world and this Universe.”
Why? Is this because this world is full of turmoil? Something is wrong with you. God, enlighten this young fellow.
"I admit that. What about the damn politicians and damn governments? God, please send some saviours here."
Seek for a true company to whom you can share all your deep feelings. Please, I cannot see you being fatigued.
"I love myself more than others. I’m really sorry. I need a change. But, this is not what I used to be."
Please fall in love with someone you find interesting and you will relish this life.
"It hurts. I've learned lessons. Please, I don't want the pang of love anymore."
How did you know all these things? You seemed to be hurt by this life badly.
"Because I've lived this life and I've been through different stages of life."
Be optimistic. Life is really a long road. Need a change in your persona.
"Na, I'm not a pessimist. I'm just a victim of circumstances. Trust me."
Wipe out your tears. Worry is such a waste of time. You hear me?
"Let the gravity suck these salty drops as much as it can. Hah!"
Try Smiling. This world will follow you. Don’t waste this life.
"I knew, this world is selfish too. I'm not the only one."
Go faraway places. The natural sceneries are grand.
"So are my imaginations and so are my thoughts."
Look at the bright sides. Let them prosper.
"Oh, forgive me for my blurry visionary."
Everything will be okay. Calm down.
"I know that nothing lasts forever."
Sleep and forget that you exist.
"Yes, let me be non-existent."
Turn off the lights now.
"I'm afraid. I'm alone."
No you are not.
"Who are you?"
I am you.
Soul
...
..
.



Sleeping with the ghost (First Draft)

Talk.
“No. I won’t.”
Please, I insist.
“No, talk is cheap.”
Silence leads you to nowhere.
“What would you like to hear?”
Open your eyes. See the real world.
“Real world is full of turmoil. I’d rather close my eyes.”
Something is wrong with you. This is not what you were previously.
“I admit that. But, what about the damn politicians and this government? God, please send some saviours here.”
Seek for a true company to who you can share all your tantrums. Please, I cannot see you being fatigued.
“Ha, I love myself. I’m selfish. I don’t feel sorry. But, this is not what I used to be.”
Then, fall in love with someone you find interesting and you’ll relish this life.
“It hurts. I’ve learned lessons. Please, I don’t want the pang of love anymore.”
How do you know that all these things? You seemed to be hurt by this life.
“I’ve seen what this life brings and I’ve been through everything.”
Be optimistic. Life is a long road. You need a change in your persona.
“I’m not a pessimist. I’m just a victim of circumstances. Trust me.”
Wipe out your tears and open your eyes. I insist you that please.
“No, let the gravity suck this salty drops as much as it can.”
Smile, this world will surely follow you. Run for your life.
“I know this world is selfish too. I’m not the only one.”
Go faraway places. The natural sceneries are splendid.
“So are my imaginations and so are my visualizations.”
Look at the bright sides. There are still hopes.
“Please, forgive me for my blurry visionary.”
Everything will be okay. Please calm down.
“I know that nothing lasts forever.”
Sleep. Forget that you exist…
“Yes, let me be non-existent.”
Turn off the lights now.
“I’m afraid. I’m alone.”
No you are not.
“Who are you?”
Your soul,
& life

..
.

PrinceMyshkin
02-26-2008, 08:29 AM
This reads like the proverbial long dark night of the soul that mystics experience, and it speaks with the honest grasping for the rock of truth that characterizes much of what you write.

Forgive yourself. Until you do that you cannot truly forgive others.

dibyendra
02-26-2008, 12:57 PM
This reads like the proverbial long dark night of the soul that mystics experience, and it speaks with the honest grasping for the rock of truth that characterizes much of what you write.

Thank you Prince for your view regarding this poem. It's true that I've tried to conclude with some mystics. I had imagined about making a conversation with the soul and the body. Finally, this is what it came out. I'll try to make this one even much more better in the next version.

I always love to convey message to the readers and I'm glad to get your sincere view regarding this poem.


Forgive yourself. Until you do that you cannot truly forgive others.

Thank you very much for this great quotation Prince. I'm really inspired this quotation. Really a moving one.

Sweets America
02-26-2008, 05:39 PM
I think this was an interesting poem, I like the idea.:)

Oh, in :

I insist you that please.

Isn't there a word lacking?

It's interesting how the poem speaks to me, I know that voice.

dibyendra
02-27-2008, 01:07 AM
I think this was an interesting poem, I like the idea.:)

Oh, in :

Isn't there a word lacking?

It's interesting how the poem speaks to me, I know that voice.

Thank you very much Sweets for your comment. Much appreciated. :)

I hope second draft will make much more sense.

dibyendra
02-27-2008, 01:24 AM
I've updated my second draft and third version of this poetry and first draft is there - untouched. Any suggestion, critiques, and comments are welcome. That would be much helpful for me to improve.

dibyendra
02-27-2008, 12:45 PM
Is my third attempt that bad?:(

1n50mn14
02-27-2008, 08:24 PM
This makes me shiver... the dialogue poem format is really interseting to me.

dibyendra
02-27-2008, 10:51 PM
Thanks very much BeccaT for your feedback. I'm glad to hear that because I've really tried very very hard and spent many days to write this poem. Thanks again.

ReynardKitsune
02-27-2008, 11:03 PM
wow it is so funny and cool it made my day :yawnb:

kiz_paws
02-28-2008, 03:47 AM
I think that a poem of this style is very difficult, and you maintained the balance of the knowing voice and the timid-self-doubting voice. I liked the phrases you put together, and the visual effect of your poem was amazing. :nod: Yes, I think that the third draft is definitely a keeper! :thumbs_up

dibyendra
02-29-2008, 05:39 AM
wow it is so funny and cool it made my day :yawnb:

Thank you Reyenard for your comment. I'm glad that you liked it. By the way is it really a funny one Reyenard? :)


I think that a poem of this style is very difficult, and you maintained the balance of the knowing voice and the timid-self-doubting voice. I liked the phrases you put together, and the visual effect of your poem was amazing. :nod: Yes, I think that the third draft is definitely a keeper! :thumbs_up

Thank you very much Kiz for your comment. Yes indeed, I've spent many days and nights to come up with the third version i.e, to the current form. And I'm very much glad that you liked the visual effect of this poem. I wrote this initially while I was about to sleep with very much frustrations in my head.

If I get time again, I'll work on it to give a final shape. Thank you again Kiz for your feedback. :)

dibyendra
03-03-2008, 01:55 PM
I've made some modification into the third version and thought to share my final edit here in the LitNet. Any suggestion, comment, and critiques are welcome. :)

Love,
Dibyendra

ReynardKitsune
03-07-2008, 02:35 AM
i apologise for it but i think talking with a ghost is comical to me but i wasn't trying to be rude or anything

kiz_paws
03-07-2008, 12:52 PM
I have no suggestion or critique, just a thank you for sharing this very cool poem with us. The dialogue is effective, the thoughts are well laid out, and of course, the visual effect is awesome. Yes, I think you have done a very nice job, Dibyendra. :nod:

dibyendra
03-08-2008, 12:10 AM
i apologise for it but i think talking with a ghost is comical to me but i wasn't trying to be rude or anything

I agree with you Reynard. I entitled "Sleeping with the ghost" just because I wrote this talking with myself and I imagined talking with my Soul. Any good title please?

pbmn
03-08-2008, 12:17 AM
Your title is perfect, dibyendra, it adds some light to your poem in a way to explain what is actually going on here. It was really interesting, I have never seen a dialogue type poem before, and I have to admit, it was awesome. I think your poem is perfect as is, there's nothing that should be done to it.

firefangled
03-08-2008, 01:02 AM
Wow, this is quite amazing to sustain with the dialogue, Dibyendra. I would not change it anymore.

dibyendra
03-09-2008, 02:43 AM
Your title is perfect, dibyendra, it adds some light to your poem in a way to explain what is actually going on here. It was really interesting, I have never seen a dialogue type poem before, and I have to admit, it was awesome. I think your poem is perfect as is, there's nothing that should be done to it.

Thank you very much Pbmn for admiring this poem and thanks for your view regarding the title. I'd stick with the title then. :)


Wow, this is quite amazing to sustain with the dialogue, Dibyendra. I would not change it anymore.

Thank you Fire very much for your comment, and it's good to hear from you after a long time. Okay, let the title be the same then as I myself like this title too. :)