bonstermonster3
02-25-2008, 09:51 AM
Cold Hands
Sometimes I wonder what it was that happened
And how it lured me into such trappings
What did they see when they looked at themselves
Why would they do things I dare not tell
With such indifference they shattered innocence
My fear and weakness they used to their advantage
If I was only "granola", why did they bother
Treating me as less than nothing, merely play fodder
Trash that they would soon throw out
With shame and guilt they seemed to have no bouts
Blurred memories and harsh words
Cold hands, hallow hearts and alot of nerve
This is what I remember of those things
Foreign places, blank faces
They are not solely to blame, I know
But I was just a girl, not fully grown
Sitting in a dark corner or alone in a small house
Or trapped in a car unable to get out
How could I have been in those situations
Why did I do the things I've done
What made me stay the last time
When it was glaringly clear that nothing was fine
I stayed put and took it like a doormat
Killing myself inside and throughout
I became nothing but self-loathing
There was absolutely no candy coating
God, some of my past is so dumb
I am so relieved I am done
With playing the homely girl to be used
While he tells his wife he's going for a cruise
Or fiddling about in the kitchen
While he sits in the next room lusting a girl not much more than ten
Forgiveness has been granted
But their rotten seeds have been planted
I've tried to dig them out
But with defiance they always shout
They crawl into every crevice
I need help with this
God help me to win this fight
So I can be pleasing in Your sight
Let not the cruelty of any man
Keep me from taking Your hand
You Can't See Me
You pressed against me
My back to you so you can't see
The things that bring me shame
Things that, despite a year's effort, have remained practically the same
A collection of visual reminders
Products of past times that could have been kinder
I wouldn't even want to know how seeing me would make you feel
Because I pale in comparison to things unreal
Images plastered everywhere, memories of things you've done
Just seem to be sending me into a steep depression
Things I did not care about last year
Now bring forth an endless stream of tears
I know I'm not the only one to grieve over such things
But that is barely any comfort when it feels like I'd make you cringe
I think of trying again, though it would take a long while
But with such an uphill goal, it just seems futile
Even at my best, I would still have the same chest
The same waist, the same face
Slimmer, yes, but still damaged beyond repair
Even with the utmost of discipline and care
Though at times I feel close to indescribable pleasure
It ends when I feel the slighest bit of pressure
It's simply too hard to look into your face
When we are in an intimate embrace
So that is why when you are pressed against me
My back is to you, so you can't see me
Windows
Deep brown are the windows to my partner soul
But what they see I do not know
Am I really too hard on myself?
Should I throw all my insecurities on a shelf
For there they will gather dust
But I'm not convinced doing that will help me trust
I suppose I am dwelling on things that shouldn't matter
But when I try to block them out, I hear even more clatter
So I do my best to move along despite the things I lack
Because even with my inner demons lapping at my back
Nothing could make me flee from his side
Our goal is to in the house of the Lord forever abide
As far as I can see
The only failure in this equation is me
I fall short and rub my own nose in dirt
And while I'm sure he can see how I hurt
What can I truly expect this man to do
What is done he cannot undo
I can think of things he should be thinking of
Then disappointment arrises and I feel unloved
Guilt soon follows
And in that I usually wallow
What a ridiculous and painful cycle
Exhausted from it, I am going to try to
Give up on my own needs
For soon I will submit to his lead
And hopefully with our union will come a renewed sense of oneness
Then I shall surely escape this mess
My love means more to me than my own desires
And I'm sure God will strengthen our individual fires
When we come before Him to light our eternal flame
In that delight, I hope to shed all shame
So that he and I will become one and the same
To have our souls forever tied
Ready for the day when God calls us to His side
I had posted the first poem I wrote Inner Fumblings, these are some more of the ones I have written. BTW-The man I mostly write about (my hubby) has nothing to do with the men in Cold Hands! lol. Thanks for reading. Bonnie
Sometimes I wonder what it was that happened
And how it lured me into such trappings
What did they see when they looked at themselves
Why would they do things I dare not tell
With such indifference they shattered innocence
My fear and weakness they used to their advantage
If I was only "granola", why did they bother
Treating me as less than nothing, merely play fodder
Trash that they would soon throw out
With shame and guilt they seemed to have no bouts
Blurred memories and harsh words
Cold hands, hallow hearts and alot of nerve
This is what I remember of those things
Foreign places, blank faces
They are not solely to blame, I know
But I was just a girl, not fully grown
Sitting in a dark corner or alone in a small house
Or trapped in a car unable to get out
How could I have been in those situations
Why did I do the things I've done
What made me stay the last time
When it was glaringly clear that nothing was fine
I stayed put and took it like a doormat
Killing myself inside and throughout
I became nothing but self-loathing
There was absolutely no candy coating
God, some of my past is so dumb
I am so relieved I am done
With playing the homely girl to be used
While he tells his wife he's going for a cruise
Or fiddling about in the kitchen
While he sits in the next room lusting a girl not much more than ten
Forgiveness has been granted
But their rotten seeds have been planted
I've tried to dig them out
But with defiance they always shout
They crawl into every crevice
I need help with this
God help me to win this fight
So I can be pleasing in Your sight
Let not the cruelty of any man
Keep me from taking Your hand
You Can't See Me
You pressed against me
My back to you so you can't see
The things that bring me shame
Things that, despite a year's effort, have remained practically the same
A collection of visual reminders
Products of past times that could have been kinder
I wouldn't even want to know how seeing me would make you feel
Because I pale in comparison to things unreal
Images plastered everywhere, memories of things you've done
Just seem to be sending me into a steep depression
Things I did not care about last year
Now bring forth an endless stream of tears
I know I'm not the only one to grieve over such things
But that is barely any comfort when it feels like I'd make you cringe
I think of trying again, though it would take a long while
But with such an uphill goal, it just seems futile
Even at my best, I would still have the same chest
The same waist, the same face
Slimmer, yes, but still damaged beyond repair
Even with the utmost of discipline and care
Though at times I feel close to indescribable pleasure
It ends when I feel the slighest bit of pressure
It's simply too hard to look into your face
When we are in an intimate embrace
So that is why when you are pressed against me
My back is to you, so you can't see me
Windows
Deep brown are the windows to my partner soul
But what they see I do not know
Am I really too hard on myself?
Should I throw all my insecurities on a shelf
For there they will gather dust
But I'm not convinced doing that will help me trust
I suppose I am dwelling on things that shouldn't matter
But when I try to block them out, I hear even more clatter
So I do my best to move along despite the things I lack
Because even with my inner demons lapping at my back
Nothing could make me flee from his side
Our goal is to in the house of the Lord forever abide
As far as I can see
The only failure in this equation is me
I fall short and rub my own nose in dirt
And while I'm sure he can see how I hurt
What can I truly expect this man to do
What is done he cannot undo
I can think of things he should be thinking of
Then disappointment arrises and I feel unloved
Guilt soon follows
And in that I usually wallow
What a ridiculous and painful cycle
Exhausted from it, I am going to try to
Give up on my own needs
For soon I will submit to his lead
And hopefully with our union will come a renewed sense of oneness
Then I shall surely escape this mess
My love means more to me than my own desires
And I'm sure God will strengthen our individual fires
When we come before Him to light our eternal flame
In that delight, I hope to shed all shame
So that he and I will become one and the same
To have our souls forever tied
Ready for the day when God calls us to His side
I had posted the first poem I wrote Inner Fumblings, these are some more of the ones I have written. BTW-The man I mostly write about (my hubby) has nothing to do with the men in Cold Hands! lol. Thanks for reading. Bonnie