February Thunderstorms

[1n50mn14]

Now, first off, I would like to say: I'm not much of a poet, because upon reading the works of others, I feel furiously inadequate. Though I'm learning in life, that is not a good reason not to try. And the more I write, the better I will get. So here goes- my first poetry post on LitNet.

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Naked teenaged limbs,
entwined, skin to skin
in a February thunderstorm.
Sirens arousing memories
of a humid May,
when the dogs barked
quieter than they do now.
When we pretended
we were somewhere bigger,
our lies spilling like fog
across rooftops of the city.
Amidst our talks and silences,
February thunderstorms.

[TheFifthElement]

Hi Becca, welcome to the poetry section.

Well, if this is your first poem I'm truly impressed. A good read, my only suggestion would be to drop the line "where we lived" as I'm not sure the poem needs it. I loved this part:


When we pretended
we were somewhere bigger,
our lies spilling like fog
across rooftops of the city

good stuff, let's see more!

[Auriga]

It was a nice fluid read. Well done, I would like to see more.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Now, first off, I would like to say: I'm not much of a poet, because upon reading the works of others, I feel furiously inadequate. Though I'm learning in life, that is not a good reason not to try. And the more I write, the better I will get. So here goes- my first poetry post on LitNet.

Well, it's obvious to me that you have already learned something terribly important, which is to quit when you're ahead! I.e., in this poem the February thunderstorms tell us nothing - and everything!

I'm especially taken by these lines:


memories
of a humid May,
when the dogs barked
quieter than they do now.

A little warning, though. You may have heard of the cookie monster? He/it is a relative of the poem monster which, if you aren't careful, will get hold of you and try to demand all of your time, leaving you too little for the fiction you write so well.

[Pendragon]

I agree that these lines:

"when the dogs barked
quieter than they do now."

tell more in your poem than six or eight more unnecessary lines would. Great poem! As Jerry commented about one of mine, less is more sometimes, and this time you did perfect! I expect we shall see more poetry from you, and sterling stuff at that! Well done!

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/Appaluse.gif

[1n50mn14]

Thanks guys =]

[ReynardKitsune]

awesome stuffs you gain my respect

[jon1jt]

Follow your soul Becca. Feeling inadequate is a state of mind, and all states of mind are transitory. :) Now, for an introductory piece this one delivers a nice scene. I just wish you'd get rid of "teenaged," it just sounds so awfully undemocratic. Spread the love. :)

my favorite line because I hear it, feel it:

Sirens arousing memories
of a humid May,

[kiz_paws]

I think that the word 'teenaged' could be removed/changed, as well -- I felt that it somehow clunks with the flow of this poem.

I really liked how you said:
When we pretended
we were somewhere bigger,
our lies spilling like fog
across rooftops of the city.

And yeah, never under-estimate yourself regarding poetry, etc. -- you seem to be able to hold your own here! YAY, and hope to read more of your stuff, Bec. :)