What We Had

[jon1jt]

Beth sat at the table with her hands around
a coffee cup. She looked up at me and said,
Let’s pray.

I want to scream out
how she’s living in a dream.
I want to lecture her about a mind bleached with philosophy---
weak mind, healthy mind, a state
of mind, flower-delicate.
I throw my fists against the table
wanting to tell her everything I say in poems.

I drowned Jesus in his manger,
cursed god.

Oh I don’t know how to mourn.

[Auriga]

Oh my... This poem gave me chills right down my back. This is incredibly moving. I completely feel for you, and I can sense the pain you must be feeling through your words. This is truly something special, even just as a way for you to mourn in your own way, if it's based off of personal experience.

[mtpspur]

Wow an honest rage against God. There is MUCH hope for you. I stand as a believer in a v-e-r-y personal God who sometimestakes a v-e-r-y- uncomfortable interest in my doings--usually when I'm being bad. Yes I agree so far that this is an age of reason but frankly all periods of history have had their ages where the intellect seeks wisdom and understanding of this life we lead. It will NEVER be my place to preach at you but I simply share that the more I walk with and against God the more sense he makes (to me) and my sins have been dark I assure you.

But back to the poem. I sense I'm in the middle of your life here and that there is a true loss of 'something' from your life and my sincere condolences. Grieve well and treasure the good memories and dismiss the bad. Submitted with respect Rich

Lastly--Yay I found the poem--right off!!

[Il Penseroso]

that oh so simple first bit is so damn telling and compelling, I love it!


I'm a little unsure what to make of the "lecture her about the age of reason" line though, it seems to lack the grace and power of the former lines, though it does fit (somehow) I suppose


and the ending (if that is what it is?) does restore the power, hidden complexity of those opening lines

well done!

[jon1jt]

Wow an honest rage against God. There is MUCH hope for you. I stand as a believer in a v-e-r-y personal God who sometimestakes a v-e-r-y- uncomfortable interest in my doings--usually when I'm being bad. Yes I agree so far that this is an age of reason but frankly all periods of history have had their ages where the intellect seeks wisdom and understanding of this life we lead. It will NEVER be my place to preach at you but I simply share that the more I walk with and against God the more sense he makes (to me) and my sins have been dark I assure you.

But back to the poem. I sense I'm in the middle of your life here and that there is a true loss of 'something' from your life and my sincere condolences. Grieve well and treasure the good memories and dismiss the bad. Submitted with respect Rich

Lastly--Yay I found the poem--right off!!

MT, I read your fine words and I'm reminded of Dostoyevsky's The Grand Inquisitor. I just want to kiss you on the cheek, whisper Thanks, my friend---and leave it at that.

[jon1jt]

that oh so simple first bit is so damn telling and compelling, I love it!


I'm a little unsure what to make of the "lecture her about the age of reason" line though, it seems to lack the grace and power of the former lines, though it does fit (somehow) I suppose


and the ending (if that is what it is?) does restore the power, hidden complexity of those opening lines

well done!


yeah, i know whatcha mean. I tried to document my thoughts in real time. Well, retrospectively. Unfortunately, I'm not immune from cliches. It's a rare, honest poem (i.e. unedited!) :lol: More to come.
-
-
I just edited it. :lol:

And to Auriga: hell yeah!

[Virgil]

It is an excellent poem Jon. Not sure if this was intentional but you jump from past to present tense and back to past. Either there is significance to that or you should be consistent. I abslutely love the phrase, "a mind bleached with philosophy." :thumbs_up That applies to all of us, doesn't it?

[1n50mn14]

This was honest and evocative... extremely well done.

[Il Penseroso]

much better :)

[Sweets America]

Beth sat at the table with her hands around
a coffee cup. She looked up at me and said,
Let’s pray.

I want to scream out
how she’s living in a dream.
I want to lecture her about a mind bleached with philosophy---
weak mind, healthy mind, state
of mind flower-delicate.
I throw my fists against the table
wanting to tell her everything I say in poems.

I drowned Jesus in his manger,
cursed god.

Oh I don’t know how to mourn.

I love it very much! I don't love what it says, but I still love it. :confused: Oh well. I love the strength of it.

[Auriga]

Hey Jon, in all honesty, I think I really liked the original version more. I felt it had more honesty than this version..

[ampoule]

I don't know what the other version was. I wish people would leave the original and then another post with the corrections.

I liked the last line...."oh I don't know how to mourn"

[Pendragon]

I'm with Rich. Tell God honestly how you feel. A quote from Huck Finn comes to mind. "You can't pray a lie." You mourn any way you have too, but when you do, mon ami, look around, I'll be there for you, at least in spirit. Take care, Jon, my friend.

Pen

[dibyendra]

Beth sat at the table with her hands around
a coffee cup. She looked up at me and said,
Let’s pray.

I want to scream out
how she’s living in a dream.
I want to lecture her about a mind bleached with philosophy---
weak mind, healthy mind, state
of mind flower-delicate.
I throw my fists against the table
wanting to tell her everything I say in poems.

I drowned Jesus in his manger,
cursed god.

Oh I don’t know how to mourn.

John, I especially loved the second stanza here and the last one.



I want to scream out
how she’s living in a dream.
I want to lecture her about a mind bleached with philosophy---
weak mind, healthy mind, state
of mind flower-delicate.
I throw my fists against the table
wanting to tell her everything I say in poems.



Oh I don’t know how to mourn.


I want to lecture her about a mind bleached with philosophy---
weak mind, healthy mind, state
of mind flower-delicate.
This is really great John! :thumbs_up



I drowned Jesus in his manger,
cursed god.
I had a eerie feeling after going through this line. Really.

Last line "Oh I don’t know how to mourn" is really good one after the rage against the God.

Keep up your great work John! :thumbs_up

Love,
Dibyendra

[jon1jt]

Thanks for reading this. It's not so much a poem as it is a sketch. I carved it up from a larger piece. More to come. I just need to find the time to edit them. As far as editing this one after I posted it, I added three lines starting with 'mind bleached with philosophy.' And I was esp. glad to hear that that line rang true for you, Virge. Keool.

There are some interesting comments to this poem. I'll answer them separately. Of course, feel free to leave comments, thoughts.


Oh my... This poem gave me chills right down my back. This is incredibly moving. I completely feel for you, and I can sense the pain you must be feeling through your words. This is truly something special, even just as a way for you to mourn in your own way, if it's based off of personal experience.

I suppose poetry is a way to mourn in the way it is to celebrate. The strange thing is that 'Beth' wasn't even a religious person. Sometimes things happen and you feel at a loss for how to resolve them, as she did at moments. Crying is a form of prayer too. Prayer as purgation, or the idea of it.

[kiz_paws]

Your words made me envision a very hopeless situation, where one party was full of passion, and the other, rather lame and colourless. I could feel the slamming of the fists on that table and see the veins in the temples (yeah, you never mentioned that, but there they were...)

The last line made me want to grab a bottle of scotch (in frustration, you know?).

This poem was full of spunk, I loved it

[ReynardKitsune]

seems like it is filled with despair... it is really good and i want more! is this a true story/incident?

[jon1jt]

I love it very much! I don't love what it says, but I still love it. :confused: Oh well. I love the strength of it.

What's there not to understand, I drowned Jesus and don't care that I drowned Jesus. That's the poem. And I drowned Yahweh too. Both occurred a very long time ago. :p Glad you like it.