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Nighteyes5678
02-21-2008, 08:26 PM
An Answer to Prayer


“I can’t take this anymore!” Daniel exploded, slamming his hand down upon the table. The loud sound cracked against the wooden surface, causing the small, mousy girl across from him to jump. “I’m so frustrated I could…”

“Daniel!” Sarah barked, cutting him off. She leveled her piercingly clear blue eyes at him, pinning him to his seat with a disapproving glare. “You need to settle down, you’re causing a scene.” Sure enough, heads were beginning to turn in curiosity, and then dipped together in private whisperings. The buzz in the cafeteria around them increased momentarily.

“Do you think I care?” he growled, lowering his voice despite his words to the contrary. “My computer just exploded taking my term paper with it!” Grabbing a carrot from his tray, he bit into it angrily, relishing the crunch between his teeth.

“Don’t you have it backed up somewhere else?” Jamie asked tentatively from across the table. “Whenever I have a large paper or project due, I always make sure to back it up.” She glanced nervously over at Sarah for reassurance.

The blonde girl nodded her head, setting down her cup mid-sip. “Jamie’s right, you should have had it backed up elsewhere. Anything else is just carelessness.” She nodded her head emphatically. “You have no one to blame but yourself.” Unseen by her, Jamie winced, ducked her head slightly and became very fascinated with her pudding.

Groaning, Daniel knocked his tray aside, burrowing his head into folded arms. “God must really hate me.” Remembering all those hours he had spent researching and writing about American expansionism in the early 19th century that had been flushed down the toilet by one freak autumn lightning storm almost brought tears to his eyes. Thinking about how it was going to be due in just a few weeks did.

Jamie’s eyes went wide, glancing around the emptying cafeteria almost fearfully. “Daniel, you can’t really think that. It was just a lightning storm…”

The muffled reply was lost in the noise. “You had better watch what you say, or God really will show you what it’s like to make Him angry.” Sarah said angrily, her voice rising over the chaos.

Daniel made a disgusted grunt, raising his head to study his two friends for a moment. “What I don’t get is why you two take it; how you just sit there and take all that nonsense. Why you both bow and scrape before a cold, unfeeling Being who demands your unquestioning and absolute loyalty without giving anything of substance in return besides unfulfilled promises and empty pipedreams. Really, it doesn’t make sense and it’s almost masochistic, if you want the truth.”
Jamie tucked a long black strand of hair behind her ear, her eyes on Daniel. His outburst hung in the air between them for what seemed to be an eternity, her reply so soft that the busy room almost stole the words out of the air. “Do you really think so?”

Sarah snorted loudly, shooting her friend a dark look. “You’re just confused because you don’t understand what’s going on and you don’t like it. Face it; you’re just a scared little boy, clinging to mommy’s skirts, begging to know what’s going on. Well guess what, you don’t get to know.”

“No!” Daniel exclaimed, his hands flying up and punctuating the air. “I’m just asking questions that any sane, thinking person would ask! You can’t expect people to set aside their brains, Sarah.”

“No, but I can ask them to have faith and besides, it’s not me asking, it’s Him.”

“Fine.” Daniel jumped to his feet, banging his knee on the table in front of him. “I’m through with this. If He’s listening, if He even exists, then He can take it up with me. He can prove that He exists, He shouldn’t need you two.” He lurched out of his chair and then started to stalk away, leaving his tray and unfinished lunch behind him.

“Wait, come back!” Jamie called out.

“No, let him go.” Sarah growled, her eyes narrowing into daggers. “He’ll get what’s coming to him…”

“But, he’s our friend…”

“He was our friend.” Behind them, the air rippled ever so slightly and then all was still once more.


The night air was cold, crisp and still; the frost covered grass crunched noisily beneath Daniel’s feet. Trees stretching above his head barely managed to hold onto their few remaining leaves, skeletal branches strained grasping towards each other. “Who do they think they are?” he muttered to himself furiously. “When does looking for a little sympathy deserve a lecture like that?” Running a hand through his dark brown hair, he glanced up at the trees, frowning slightly.

The woods behind the men’s dorm were only a few acres and Daniel could have sworn that he had walked every path a hundred times. Yet, something about his present location puzzled him, perhaps it was the strange shadows thrown to and fro by the moon’s light, or maybe it was the eerie silence of the wood, not a leaf stirring in the dead air. Whatever the reason, a shudder ran through him causing him to pull his jacket closed a little more.

A stray sound caught his ear, a rustling in the bushes off to his right. Daniel rolled his eyes. Probably an over-enthusiastic couple. Such a thing wasn’t uncommon in the woods, though the fact that they’d venture out into the night and chill said something for their determination and warm bloodedness. Pushing forward, he ignored the sound and chose the path that led away from it. Now, he mused silently, if I could only figure out where the hell I am, I could get back to my dorm, make some hot chocolate, then try and salvage my academic career.

The growl – a low menacing sound that didn’t quite sound like a dog – came from directly behind him. A puff of sudden hot air hit the back of his neck; the stench of rotting meat assaulted his nostrils. Reacting blindly, Daniel jumped forward off the path into a network of crisscrossing branches, struggling to turn around to catch a glimpse of the threat. The moonlight was bright enough to illuminate… nothing. The path was empty behind him, not a branch moving to warn him of recent activity. His heart was pounding hard in his chest as his senses screamed that he was in danger.

Steady, let’s not jump to conclusions, he thought fiercely, crossing his arms to hide his trembling hands from himself. You’re just jumping at shadows. He laughed nervously, his eyes darting to either side of the path warily, searching the shadows for anything abnormal. Nothing. With a strained sigh, he shook his head, disgusted that he was freaking out at the darkness like a six year-old. If Sarah or Jamie could see him now, they’d certainly give him another speech about what being a true man was all about. Well, Sarah would anyway; Jamie would most likely stand there and squirm in silence. He laughed again, relieved to turn his mind away from the moment before.

Later, Daniel wouldn’t be able to place why he looked up towards his right at the moment he did. But, raise his head he did, just in time to be hit full force in the face with a huge blast of hot, moist air. His eyes widened just as his nose tried to close against the retching stench. Hanging before his eyes was a horrific disfigured face; its nose rotted away, its maw stretched open to reveal wickedly curved yellow teeth. It was the eyes, however, that captured his attention; they were giant pits of darkness and flickering malevolent flame. It growled again, the sound penetrating his skin and heading straight to his heart, grasping it in an icy cold hand. Daniel gasped, staggering back away from the vision. Then, he turned and ran into the night, refusing to look back.


Later that evening, Sarah sat on the edge of her bed, impatiently clipping her toenails as she waited for Jamie to get back from the restroom. The girl had been miserable ever since supper, certain that Daniel hated them both. Well, that certainly wasn’t the worst-case scenario. “Let’s be realistic,” she grumbled aloud to her wall. “Daniel was raised by an excellent Christian family; he’s grown up with the truth. For him to be having doubts now… well, that’s just unforgivable.” She stretched out her foot, eyeing the nail lines with a critical eye. “I don’t know where he gets the right to say that God is non-existent. Anyone who has eyes can see that he’s been blessed. Not only with a good Christian family, but with friends and a future as well.”

She remembered the first time Daniel had come to them with his concerns and doubts. He had called them into the college’s chapel and pulled out his cell phone. Without telling them why, he had carefully shown them his list of contacts, people who would answer the phone if he ever called them. “That,” he said emphatically, “is the difference between a true friend and God. True friends answer the phone, but with God you always get the answering machine. Imagine a human who never returned your calls, never talked to you, never showed up for appointments and the only communiqué you ever received was a letter written to your great, great, great grandparents. You wouldn’t be friends with them, would you?” He had trailed off then, hanging his head, no doubt regretting even having such blasphemous thoughts. She had been sure that a few talks and a little time would solve everything, but that had been months ago. Sarah had done her best to be patient, but now she finally was at the end of her long rope.

The dorm room’s door shut quietly, shaking Sarah out of her memories. “Took you long enough” she accused. “I was about to send in a search party for you.” Jamie still stood in the doorway, her face white as a sheet, her body trembling like a leaf. She had a strand of black hair between her fingers and she was twisting it over and over again, the hair coiling up. “What’s wrong with you? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Sarah’s voice broke the spell and Jamie gave a strangled cry, ran over and threw herself against Sarah. “It was terrible!” she wailed. “There was something in the bathroom!”

Rolling her eyes to the ceiling, Sarah held her shaking friend. This wasn’t the first time Jamie had a nervous fright and it most likely wouldn’t be the last. “Settle down, Jamie. You’re safe. Just tell me what happened.”

A few shaky breaths later, Jamie managed to calm herself enough to form together sentences. “I went into the bathroom and I swear it was empty. All the stall doors were open so I know that I was the only one in there. But, when I was finished, I saw feet in the stall next to me.” She buried her face in Sarah’s shoulder, tears soaking into the thin shirt.

“You’ve got to be kidding. She probably came in and you just didn’t hear her! Honestly Jamie, you’ve got to stop being so fragile!” Sarah grabbed her friend by the shoulders and held her out at arms length, eyeing her. Jamie’s face was still white, her eyes slightly bloodshot. What had Sarah done to deserve such needy friends?

Jamie’s eyes widened as she shook her head vigorously. “No, you don’t understand. They weren’t normal feet; they were huge and hairy and had claws! I was so scared I could hardly breathe. I pulled my feet up and stayed in the stall until I dared look again. When I saw that they were gone, I ran here as fast as I could. Sarah, what do you think it was?”

Sarah grunted, standing to her feet and walking across the small room to the nightstand. “I think that your nerves are frayed because you’re worried about Daniel and it’s making you see things.” She took out Jamie’s large Bible and brought it over to her friend. “Clearly, you need to be more grounded in the Word. Read this for thirty minutes before sleeping. Now, I’m getting ready for bed and I don’t want to hear any more of this nonsense, understand?” Jamie took the Bible, nodding meekly. Sarah jerked her head. That was more like it. Now, if only Daniel would listen to sense so easily.

The two girls changed for bed quickly, not speaking again, which suited Sarah just fine. Jamie obediently read the Bible that she was given, turning to somewhere in John from the looks of it. Sarah turned her attention to her own readings of the Bible, but her mind wandered from the pages until she finally set the book down, and announced that she was going to bed. The lights went out, casting the room into darkness, Jamie’s breathing and the slow dripping of the sink the only sounds audible. Something crawled on Sarah’s leg, causing her to grunt slightly and scratch, trying to remove the phantom itch. Then, she grabbed her pillow and jammed it underneath her head, squeezing her eyes shut. Daniel’s words, his haughty challenge to the Divine, still rang in her head, denying her sleep.

Why was he being such a fool? She thought angrily. He wasn’t always this way. Back when they first met, he was an eager freshman, confident that he was going to do something great. She smiled slightly, remembering the first day two years ago that they had met. It was his confidence that had impressed her, drawn her to him. He had stood in front of the entire freshman class and announced that he had come to Slavant College to study Theology and he also enjoyed rats, thank-you-very-much, and that hamsters were of the devil and should be avoided like the plague. Sarah had been sitting in her seat and had reached over, gripped Jamie’s hand tightly, feeling a slight thrill shoot through her at his words. There was something about the shape of them, a life and conviction that she felt drawn to like a moth to flame.

So, at lunch, she had dragged Jamie to where he sat alone in the cafeteria. “I heard you speak in assembly,” she had said, feeling uncharacteristically nervous. “This is Jamie and I’m Sarah. We’re new here too. May we sit down?” She could still remember the look of amusement that flashed across his face before he grinned at them, waving his hand as if graciously allowing them the privilege of being near him. Then, without losing a moment, he launched them all into a discussion of the problems facing freshmen, how the college system was unequally balanced in favor of the seniors, and the civil injustices that were being committed.

A sharp sting on her thigh snapped her from the past. Her hand moved down, slapping at the offending spot as she suddenly become aware of something being wrong in the room. Another sting, this time on her ankle. Muttering, Sarah jerked off her sheets, sitting part way up to find the culprit. Large glistening black, spider-like creatures covered her, swarming up and down her pajama legs. Sharp needle-like spines jabbed into her flesh as they crawled underneath her clothing. A scream tore itself out of her throat as she began thrashing, the insects clinging to her skin, their blood-stained fangs biting into her again and again. She slapped and swiped, her own nails tearing at her legs, trying to pull them off of her. The swarm scrambled up her thighs, skittered up over her chest and stomach and then started to claw at her throat and face. Another scream tore itself from her mouth as the creatures began to push into her mouth. Strange warmth filled her body, and distantly, she heard her voice being called.

With a jerk, Sarah sat straight up in bed, her chest heaving. Jamie’s face, eyes wide with fear, greeted her vision. Sarah tumbled out of the bed, thudding onto the thinly carpeted floor, and began to scramble away from her bed. She could still feel their claws on her. Her hand flew to her skin in a vain attempt to reassure herself that she was still in one piece. A thick layer of slimy sweat met her hand, her nose wrinkling as her senses became more aware of her own stench.
Jamie, shocked at her roommate’s behavior, backed away a little bit. “You were screaming and clawing at yourself,” she said, her voice trembling. In all their years of friendship, she had never seen Sarah this… fearful. “Are you okay?”
Sarah struggled to control her breathing, pushing sweat-matted hair up out of her eyes. “Yeah. It was just… it was just a terrible dream.” The memory overwhelmed her, causing a shudder to sweep over her. “It’ll be OK… just need to… calm down a little.” She lasted another moment before she shuddered again. Soft footsteps told of Jamie’s approach and, as soon as she was close enough, Sarah threw herself sobbing into Jamie’s arms.


Daniel burst into his room and slammed the door behind him, leaning back against the solid door with all his weight. He hadn’t stopped running once, not even when pain knifed through his side, threatening to double him over with its intensity. Now, here in the sanctuary of his room, he was finally safe. His heart still threatened to leap out of his throat. Shakily, he pushed himself away from the door and staggered over to his bed, collapsing onto its frame. Leaving the light on, he crawled under the covers, pulling his blanket all the way over his head. Curling up into a ball, he hugged his knees to his chest, his eyes squeezed shut. Eerily, the disfigured face, the memory almost burned into the backs of his eyelids. Swallowing hard, he shook his head rapidly until the image faded. Think about something else!
His thoughts turned to his mother, traveling back to happier days. In his mind, he could see her intensity, her strength, and her vibrancy. Once, he had stumbled home from Middle School. His new clothes had been torn and muddied, his eye blackened, his lip cut. Somehow, she had known he was coming and had met him on the front walk, her arms folded across her chest. Daniel had fallen at her feet, throwing his arms around her legs, tears springing to his eyes. She had bent at the waist – not knelt – and had put her hand on his head. Fingers had run through his hair as her soft voice filled his ears. “Daniel, if you let them push you around today, then you’ve given them permission to push you around forever. Never forget that, sweetie.” Then, she had pulled herself away from him, clicking down the front walk. Later, he had heard that she had gone directly to the bully’s parents, threatening to slap a lawsuit on them if their son ever touched hers again. Then, she had marched herself to the Principle’s office, demanding the bully’s expulsion for violating school policy. A smile tugged at his lips as he fell into sleep. No one messed with his mother…

Something tore him from sleep. Daniel lay curled in a ball, motionless. There it was again, a movement outside his fortress of blankets. A slight creak in the floorboards. A shadow thrown from the overhead light on his top blanket. He swallowed hard. It was nothing, absolutely nothing. Just his imagination, like the time before had been his imagination. It was stress. Daniel nodded to himself. He was stressed out and so his sleep deprived mind was playing tricks on him.

A familiar low growl emanated from the corner of his room. It was here! The thought bounced around in his otherwise empty mind. The growl became louder as the scraping rasp of claws on the bare wood floors of the room grew closer. Daniel held his breath, willing the creature to go away to no avail. A dark, deep shadow blotted out the overhead light, casting the blanket-covered form into darkness. He squeezed his eyes shut, paralyzed by the terrible knowledge that there was nothing he could do to protect himself. Desperately, he groped around for some words to offer up to the heavens in a last ditch attempt at salvation.

Before a proper prayer could form itself in his mind, a new sound pierced the menacing silence: the phone was ringing! In that instant, light hit him again, the room restored to its natural quiet. Not daring to move, he let the phone ring a few more times before he slowly peeled the blankets away from his head, glancing around. Nothing in the room. With a desperate scramble, he freed himself from his blankets, making a grab at the phone. He pressed the headpiece hard against his ear. “Yes?”

“Daniel!” Sarah’s angry voice filled his ears. “Something growled at us from our closet. Growled! What have you done?”

“What have I done?” He licked his dry and cracked lips. “Why would this be my fault?”

“Who else could be to blame? Look, we need to talk. Now.” Her voice quivered for a moment, filling Daniel with unease. “Get dressed. We’ll meet you in the chapel. I have a key.” With that, she was gone. He snorted. Of course she would have a key. Little Miss Righteous helped organize at least five worships alone. She probably had a key to almost every religious building on campus. Daniel pulled on his socks and shoes, grabbed a coat, and ran across campus.

Even from across the large dark campus, Daniel could see the huge college church’s steeple. It stretched up higher than any other building around it, narrowing into a spike that appeared to pierce the heavens themselves. As he grew closer, the structure loomed above him. As a freshman, he had been in continual awe of the building, almost afraid to walk on the same side of the sidewalk. Now, he simply felt that the Church spent too much money trying to impress people with material things such as buildings. This church was no exception. Moonlight glinted off the polished granite walls, dimly reflecting well-manicured lawns. Large heavy oak doors stood denying any late night guests entrance into the church. Daniel shook his head at the extravagance and jogged up the front walk, angling left towards the tall sculpted bushes. The path led him to a small black gate obscured between the foliage. The old gate groaned in protest as he pushed it open and slipped through. He gave it a push to close it behind him, not noticing that it bounced slightly and failed to latch.

Small trees decorated the left side of the walk. The cold winter wind had robbed them of their leaves and springtime flower, leaving them naked and bare. Up ahead, a small old chapel was dwarfed in comparison to the larger church. Its simplicity clashed with the church’s grandeur, a feature that made Daniel like the old building even more. Lights showed through the small narrow windows, alerting him to the girls’ presence even before he stepped inside. Who else would be inside at four in the morning? Warm air greeted him like an old friend, embracing him and chasing away the night’s chill. With a sigh, he spotted the girls at the front of the small room, seated together on the raised floor up front. “Took you long enough,” Sarah said in way of greeting. Jamie glanced up, an apologetic smile curving her lips. “I almost thought you wouldn’t be man enough to show.” Here we go, Daniel thought bitterly as he creaked his way up the threadbare carpet that covered the rickety floor.

“What is your problem?” he groaned, sinking wearily into the front pew that faced the girls.

“My problem is that you’ve brought a curse down upon us, Mr. Unbeliever. Put two and two together. You renounce your saving faith, abandoning it for the world’s wisdom and suddenly all of… all of this starts happening!” She stood, starting to pace back and forth angrily. Jamie opened her mouth, clearly about to object but Sarah silenced her with a look. “I want you to undo it.”

Daniel rolled his eyes, slouching even more in his seat. “Please Sarah. If it’s really because of me, then why involve you two at all? There has to be some logical explanation for everything that’s happened, like rusty heaters or something.”

“I don’t think it was heaters, Daniel.” Jamie glanced up at Sarah before continuing. “I saw something in the bathroom. Feet. They weren’t human. I don’t think it’s you, but…”

“But nothing. We’re not going to fight your demons for you, Daniel. We’re obviously being affected because we’ve formed spiritual ties with you, but unless you make this all go away I am more than prepared to sever those ties. The Bible says that if people fall beyond the point of being willing to see the error of their ways, then we as Christians are suppose to give them over to Satan.” She turned and looked at him then, her cold blue eyes narrowing into slits. “Do you really want that?”

He sighed. As weird as Sarah was acting now, these two were his closest friends at college and he wasn’t sure he was prepared to lose either of them just now. Besides… maybe she had a point. The timing was circumspect and, if it was indeed his fault, then he’d probably need the girls’ combined superior spiritual know-how to figure out how to stop it. “Fine.” He held up his hands palms up in submission. “How do we make whatever this is stop?”

“That’s more like it.” Sarah stooped over and retrieved her large leather-bound Bible. It was dog eared, highlighted and bent from the three years of constant use that it had endured since Daniel had given it to her the first Christmas he had known her. Jamie looked unsure, but grabbed her matching Bible, her name glistening on the front cover in golden letters. After a moment’s hesitation, she stood and came to sit next to him, giving his shoulder a gentle squeeze. “It’ll be OK.” she said, a little too softly to be comforting.

Sarah stood in front of Daniel, holding her Bible in both her hands in front of her like a shield. “First, we’ll pray and ask God to reveal what sin you’ve committed to bring this down upon us. I have a few ideas of what that might be, but receiving Divine guidance is essential.” she said confidently. Without waiting for a response, she began to pray. Daniel had to stifle a laugh as her voice raised the few notes that it always did whenever she prayed. He let his mind wander as her prayer began to weave long, complex sentences of high-sounding language and requests, probably begging forgiveness for his wretchedness, no doubt. Many of the prayers they prayed together were. He grinned despite himself. The ones about God teaching him true manhood were always his favorite; the irony never got old.

Nighteyes5678
02-21-2008, 08:26 PM
A noise caught his ear, shaking him out of his thoughts. Sarah and Jamie had heard it too; they had stopped praying and sat silent, a confused look spread over their faces. The noise sounded like howling and it shook the small chapel with its intensity. “I think it’s the wind…” he said cautiously. A moment later, another blast hit the chapel. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the large narrow windows on either side of the building bow slightly

But none of them had time to ponder the wind for long. Their attention was drawn to the entrance of the Chapel when the double doors were flung open with a bang. At first, nothing was in the doorway. Then, a pillar of shadow began to rise from the worn floor. Tendrils of darkness wrapped around the center column, the inky night boiling furiously for a moment before it melted away leaving in its place a tall massive figure. Malevolent eyes burned in the darkness and the figure raised a taloned hand to the sky. A glimpse of wickedly yellow teeth flashed and then the being dropped its hand. The wind pounded against the small structure. “Get down!” Daniel shouted, diving to the side and tackling Jamie down onto the pew. She grunted at the impact, but he wrapped his arms around her and rolled them both off of the pew onto the floor. A moment later, the windows imploded, sending shards of razor sharp glass flying into the chapel. Sarah screamed, her reaction slightly slower than Daniel’s, which earned her a long spike of glass embedded in her thigh. Falling backwards, she landed on the ground, her mouth gaping in pain.

A deep sinister laugh filled the small building. Heavy footsteps that sounded as if they were punching holes into the floor thudded slowly up the center isle. Jamie whimpered in fear, her hands clutching her Bible tightly. Daniel glanced up, seeing huge black claws crunching up towards them. He glanced back. Sarah was grimacing in pain, but her hands still held her Bible. With a grunt, she staggered to her feet before lurching forward, steadying herself on the pew. “I’ll take care of this,” she muttered fiercely. Then, straightening, she looked the nightmare creature in his burning eyes, holding the Bible out in front of her like a shield. “In the name of Jesus Christ, I command you to stop!”

The creature’s head jerked back as if it had been slapped, stopping only a few feet from Sarah. Its feet were so close to Daniel that he could smell the terrible smell from before: a mixture of rotting meat and old tombstones. Daniel nudged Jamie and jerked his head forward. She nodded and they slowly started to crawl backwards, making sure they came up behind Sarah. The creature’s maw split open in what might be a grin or a grimace. “Very good, Sarah.” Its voice sounded as if it oozed from the creature’s mouth, a mixture of nails on a chalkboard and a threatening growl from a large dog. “Your faith must be very strong to withstand me.”

Sarah drew herself up a little more in response, her fingers tightening on her Bible as she raised it a little higher. “Be silent, filth! I command you to be gone in Jesus’ name!” The book trembled slightly in her hands.

The creature’s eyes swept over the human girl, another horrific laugh boiling out of its mouth. “Shall we see whose faith in their master is stronger? Put down the book, girl, and command me.” Daniel glanced from Sarah – standing as straight as she could, blood flowing from the puncture wound in her thigh, a glimmer of doubt and fear in her normally bold blue eyes – and then to the creature – standing feet taller than Sarah, its vaguely humanoid body covered in coarse black hair. A cloak wrapped around its body gave it a sickeningly slick and oily look.

Closing her eyes, Sarah shook the book at the demon. “In Jesus’ name, I command you to get behind me, Satan!” she screamed with all her strength.

Laughter met her demand, echoing in the small building, sounding like the creature’s voice was joined by many. “I am not he, but I will get behind you.” the threatening whisper hissed as the creature suddenly rippled ever so slightly before disappearing completely.

There was a long moment of stillness; the trio slumped in relief. Sarah slowly lowered the Bible and tossed her friends a grin. Daniel tried to smile back, but his face turned to one of horror as the air behind her rippled. “No!” he shouted, but before he could react, the demon appeared behind Sarah and grabbed her in two monstrous claws. Lifting her up, it threw her against the back of the chapel like a rag doll. A sickening thud sounded as her body hit the floor and she laid still, blood slowly oozing from her head. It laughed again, turning now towards Daniel and Jamie, its eyes burning with a fierce hellfire.

Daniel stumbled back away from the demon, almost tripping on the glass that littered the floor. Jamie stood frozen, rooted to the ground like a mouse in a snake’s gaze. The demon took a step toward her, its wings unfolding and spreading wide. “Your leader was not strong enough to stand against me. Do you have any hope?”

Its mocking voice jerked Daniel’s attention. “Jamie! Get away from it!” he exclaimed, though not moving toward her at all. The demon’s eyes never left Jamie’s, ignoring him completely. Its attention was held, if he ran now…

“You never truly believed yourself, did you?” Its voice took on a sick oily quality, the sound of a creature completely devoid of compassion or caring trying to be something it was not. Jamie, oblivious to everything but its eyes, swallowed hard. “They never cared about you; they just wanted your soul as another name in their records book. Your god is so distant. Where is he now?” The Bible thudded as it slipped out of Jamie’s hand, spilling face down onto the floor. “Give into despair, for you are truly alone.” Inky black tendrils of smoke rose once more, wrapping around Jamie’s legs. She shivered at their touch, but did not jerk away. A moment later, she slumped, completely broken.
Daniel took a few hesitant steps away from the pair before turning and dashing down the center aisle. Behind him, he heard Jamie’s body hit the floor hard, but he refused to look back. The creature’s laughter chased him out from the chapel. Once he was through, the double doors slammed shut as an unseen hand closed them. Howls filled the air from either side of the chapel entrance. Shadows flashed in the hedge line, growls warning him that it wasn’t a trick of the light. Panic threatened to overtake Daniel and he bolted from the Chapel entrance. A scrabbling sounded behind him, but Daniel again refused to look back. Reaching the old iron gates, he closed them tightly, fleeing towards the large church doors. Behind him, something slammed against the gates, howling again.

He reached the glass side doors of the church. Daniel gave the handle a jerk, groaning. Locked. Finally giving in, he glanced behind him and gasped. An impossibly large dog-like creature gnawed at the steel bars of the gate, snapping them as if they were toothpicks. Turning again, he lifted his foot, slamming it into the glass doors. A long crack appeared. Another kick lengthened it; a third caused more cracks to join the first. Finally, the glass buckled and broke, the frame twisting under his assault. A few more kicks knocked the door open and he spilled inside, his foot catching on the broken frame. A howl of rage sounded behind him once more, the beast breaking through the gate threw itself toward him. It leapt, its mouth opening, revealing rows and rows of teeth. In mid-pounce, it slammed into an invisible wall as if the glass doors were still closed. Landing on its feet, it lurched forward again, bashing its broad head against the barrier. After a few fruitless tries, it turned with a growl, slinking away into the darkness.

Inside the church, Daniel lay on the floor, eyes wide in terror. A long moment passed; Daniel’s heart slamming into his ribcage so hard he was afraid it would breathe through. The stillness in the church was almost suffocating. His shoulder blades stung as the cold granite pressed unforgiving into the bone. Grunting, he slowly sat up, scanning the area outside of the church. Nothing. Shaking uncontrollably, he bit his lip once, and then purposefully clenched his teeth together. Alright Daniel, let’s not panic. You’re being chased by demons, but they don’t appear to be able to get inside the church. A phone. I need to find a phone to call for help. Jerking his head in affirmation at his unspoken thought, he jogged down the dark foyer toward the long desk at the other end. Reaching it, he slipped behind it and glanced around trying to locate the phone. Right, they kept it under the desk. Fumbling for a moment, his groping fingers found the phone on the first shelf. He set it on the finished oak surface and picked up the receiver. Silence. Daniel bit back a curse and tried it again. Still nothing. So, outside wasn’t safe, but all connection with the outside world was lost. Perhaps there was someone inside the church, either a late night janitor or maybe even a pastor. The thought encouraged him; help could be right under his nose! Moving purposefully from behind the counter, he trotted off down a side hall toward the pastor studies.

Here, down the narrow hallways that moved through the large structure, the moon’s light couldn’t reach. The further Daniel moved down the hall, the darker it became until he couldn’t see his hand in front of his face. His steps slowed and then stopped completely. This is mad, he thought, placing his hand along the wall to guide him. If anyone were here, surely there would be a light on. But do I really want to go back to all those windows where they can see me? He groaned at the thought, pressing his back against the cool plaster and slide down the wall.

The events of the last twenty-four hours started to slowly parade themselves before his eyes. Yesterday’s lunch seemed like an eternity ago and it had all started with a freak lightning storm and a rash bitter challenge. At once, the irony hit him: that he would challenge God to reveal Himself and have the enemy answer. He laughed sharply, uncaring of who heard him. Leaning his head back, he began to stare up into the darkness when a thought occurred to him. Wait, I doubted the existence of God and demanded proof of His existence. While these certainly aren’t beings I’d call heavenly, they certainly aren’t found on earth… and if the supernatural exists then by default…

He shook his mind to clear it but, as soon as that thought left, another appeared. “For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship.” Daniel chuckled softly under his breath. If there’s one thing I don’t need now, it’s more fear. He nodded his head, a decision solidifying in his mind. “Alright,” he said, half to himself, half to anything else that might be listening. “Let’s go find God, though God? If this is Your idea of an answer to prayer, then You have a really messed up sense of humor.”
Pushing himself up to his feet once more, he started to walk slowly back the way he came toward the Sanctuary. A quick glance through the front windows of the church still revealed no sign of any unearthly movement and so he turned to face the double doors that led into the Sanctuary. A moment’s pause and then, he reached out and slowly opened them, standing in the entranceway looking into the huge room.

The Sanctuary was vast, able to seat well over a thousand people and have plenty of room to spare. Though cloaked in shadow, Daniel could still barely make out the high arched ceilings that were supported by large sweeping polished beams. Stained glass windows covered the sides of the room, filtering in colored moonlight from the outside, casting long soft shadows on the already darkened room. The smooth stone floor stretched down towards the front, giving every solid mahogany pew a prime view of the front. It was all angled to accentuate the front and its centerpiece: a huge crucifix that hung suspended by near invisible wires from the ceilings and walls. The Jesus, chiseled out of solid stone, hung upon his wooden cross, his soulless empty eyes gazing upward to heaven in a silent plea. Beneath the crucifix stood the podium – matching the pews, its surface gleamed with an inner light – and underneath that stood the solid stone table normally reserved for the communion bread, though all of this Daniel knew from memory; it was far too dark to make out any of the details.

Daniel took a step into the Sanctuary, slowly and reverently making his way down to the front. He moved fluidly, his hands held out by his side, open and palm up, a silent prayer on his lips. Above, the stone Jesus seemed to direct his eyes heavenward and so, Daniel followed suit. As he raised his head, a flicker of light caught his eye. It started at his right; a soft small ball of flame hung suspended in the air like a bizarre teardrop. A minor note reverberated in the air, joined by other voices and unworldly harsh music; a choir of rasping, grating voices began to fill the room. Then, swelling with the music’s crescendo, more and more balls of flame appeared, lining the walls and growing in size and intensity. As the hellish light filled the room, it revealed creatures – their greenish-brown leathery hide was covered with rows of thick barbed spines – standing along the walls, surrounding him with their numbers.

The light of the fire revealed the front of the room, the curtain of darkness spread by the fire. Standing behind the pulpit stood the Demon, its wings unfurled to their full expansive reach, its arms outstretched in a mock form of worship. As if it felt Daniel’s eyes, it opened its own and smiled, glancing. Following its gaze, Daniel looked toward the table at its feet and gasped. There, still and bloodstained, lay Sarah and Jamie, arranged on the surface like a sacrifice upon an alter. Daniel looked up again into the demon’s eyes and it gave a knowing, mocking smile. “Welcome,” it intoned.

“But, how can you be here?” David gasped, taken aback at the overwhelming demonic presence in what was supposed to be a holy place.

The demon laughed softly and began to walk slowly down the stairs towards Daniel. Its movements reminded Daniel of a cat stalking a mouse. He swallowed hard. “You forget, boy. I once stood before Him.” It spat out the last word as if the very thought made it ill. “It is true, I experience some mild discomfort here, for after it all, it is sooo holy.” It laughed again and reached the table, resting a claw on its finished surface.

Daniel swallowed hard. Its mockery echoed his own in recent memory and hearing his own words emerge from its mouth made him feel sick. “Why are you here?” His voice sounded weak and scared in his own ears; Daniel crossed his arms across his chest, trying not to hug himself.

“We are here because you called us. You might have called upon Him to show Himself, but we were the ones listening, as we’ve been listening to you all your life.” It leered at him, taking another slow, measured step forward. “And, if you remember, we have been the only ones to answer you when you called out.”

When he swallowed, his throat felt like sandpaper and his voice showed it. “But… if it’s me you want, then why involve them?” he rasped, gesturing towards the girls lying upon the alter.

The demon shrugged its broad shoulders, not bothering to look back. “They were weighing you down. You could be so much more without them; you never really belonged with them in the first place. Sarah, so full of herself and her righteousness that she can’t see passed her own nose. Jamie, meek as a little lamb and just as spineless, a craven disgusting coward who jumps at her own shadow.” A grin split its face. “My favorite two types of Christian,” it added. It took another few steps towards Daniel, starting up the center aisle. “But you - you could be so much more. Let us teach you who you can be, let us show you power. We can give you enough power so that no woman or man can stand over you again. Or, you can end up like them, dead upon the alter of their own pathetic faith. It is your choice.”
There was a long moment. The imps along the sides of the Sanctuary all fell silent; the very room itself seemed to hold its breath in anticipation. Then, a strange emotion built up inside of Daniel, a sort of rage that spread through his limbs, giving him strength that he didn’t remember having. He stepped forward himself. “Jesus loved us enough to die for us. His way is the only true way. And God always hears and answers our prayers, we just don’t always see the answer.”

The demon growled harshly, crouched and then sprang forward. It moved impossibly fast for a creature of its size, almost flying as it closed the distance between itself and its prey. Before Daniel could react, it slammed its shoulder into him, knocking him off of his feet and sending him flying back until a pew stopped him. A pain shot through his neck and he groaned. “Your Sunday school answers mean nothing here!” It was on him before he could think, kicking him in the gut with a clawed foot. “The very sound of them makes me ill!” It roared, picked him up and threw him down a few rows of pews. An edge hit him in the side, flipping him over it; Daniel thought he felt something give way inside of him. Jeers from the surrounding smaller imps filled the large room, the acoustics carrying their sounds and tossing them all over the room, creating an echoing chorus.

Gasping for air, he immediately regretted it; pain lanced through his side, his lungs felt like they were on fire. He reached out a hand and groped around for a moment. Finally, his fingers closed around a book and he tumbled off of the pew, ripping the book from its holding place. Staggering to his feet, another knife of pain punched into his lungs. With one arm across his chest, he held out the Bible in front of him, facing the demon defiantly, following the instructions Sarah had intoned to him so many times. “By the power of Jesus and in His name, I order you to be still!”

The demon roared again – half laughter and half hatred – before lifting its hand up into the air. Bibles and hymnals alike all levitated up from the pews. The Bible he held was torn from his grasp and floated a few feet from his gaping mouth. “Pathetic fool, your faith in these books will not save you. Or did you not see what happened to your friend when she placed her faith in a few sheets of paper. Our Kingdom is not made of words, boy, but of power.” It closed its fist and all around the room, the floating books burst into flame. The demon dropped its hand and burning ash exploded, sending embers of unnaturally hot flame flying around the room. Daniel covered his face with his hands, smelling the smoke as the pews begun to catch.

Growling, It started toward Daniel once more, upending any pew that got in its way. “You deserve their fate. I will send all of you to the final sleep and then we will see whose god is greater.” The imps along the edge gave a howl, their spines standing up in excitement as they lurched forward towards the helpless humans. They reached Sarah and Jamie first, pouncing upon them and biting deep into their flesh. The flames and the smoke from the burning church rose forward, mingling with the hellish cries of the fallen beings.

Time seemed to stand still for Daniel as he watched his friends be devoured by the beings of the pit; as he watched his own death inevitably coming toward him; as he looked into the flames and smelled the smoke. He stood straighter, his mind clearing and recalling the decision he had made earlier in the hallway. Though he felt no differently – no power came over him, no warm glow, no tingling, no rush of emotion – he knew and remembered the Truth. A part of him opened; the confidence and strength he once felt before being spoon-fed religion, before having his faith decided for him by others, returned to him now. “You will be still” he ordered quietly.

Instantly, the room fell motionless. The imps behind him stopped their gruesome feast; the demon in front of him froze in place as if an unseen hand held it. It narrowed its eyes, spitting out words. “Who are you, that you think you can stand against me? I was there at the beginning of this world, I have overthrown nations, I have heard the cries of despair as men were cast into the pit; who are you that you come against me?” Its chest heaved and muscles bulged underneath leathery hide as it seemed to struggle to reach Daniel.

Slowly, Daniel shook his head as he walked calmly into the center aisle and faced the demon. “I am the son of the One who created this world, the One who has formed the nations, and He who creates destiny in the hearts of all creatures. The question is: who are you to stand against me?” The fires around him burned hot against his skin, but he walked into and through them fearlessly.

A low menacing growl spread among the unworldly beings as they heard his words. The demon in front of him snarled, its eyes flaring as its wings unfurled once more. “Where are your Bibles? Where are your prayers and your invocations?” It flapped the barbed wings once, then twice, but something held it rooted to the ground.

Daniel smiled slightly and shook his head. “No spells are needed. However, a prayer does seem appropriate.” He fell to his knees in front of the demon, ignoring the jabbing pain in his side, and the vain swipes of the demon’s claws that almost were able to clip his hair. Bowing his head slightly, he raised his hands up toward. “I ask that these beings be cast out from Your sight and that the damage that they have done be undone.” He stood with his eyes still closed shut and sat down on a pew to wait. A silent prayer filled his mind, even though the disgusting stench of the demon filled his nostrils.

The demon seemed to wait a moment, and then it barked a laugh and took a step forward; its heavy claws pounding into the stone, crushing the pew that happened to be underneath its foot. “Kill him,” it roared. Instantly, the imps obeyed. A wave of imps rushed forward, seeming to supernaturally gather the flames around them into a rolling wave of death. As the combined surge rushed toward him, Daniel could feel the heat of the flame and the wind of their coming, yet he stayed seated and still. He knew he had done all that he could. Now, it was time to be.

The wave rushed forward and, about a foot from his flesh, slammed into something solid. Brilliant white light flashed where hell touched heaven, a solid dome of light appearing around where Daniel sat. The collective howl of predators denied their prey filled the room. Then, softly at first but growing in intensity each passing second, a song begun to fill the room, drowning out the devils’ cries.

The demon howled and threw itself up into the air, its wings beating furiously to keep it aloft. As if in answer to his challenge, the music swelled to an almost deafening volume. Daniel opened his eyes, looking up. Through the stained-glass windows, bright beings flew in, their giant white wings spread in flight; their garments were only out shone by the light of the fiery swords they held in their hands. The wave of heavenly beings threw themselves down upon the collection of imps. The fighting was fast and intense, swords flashing in the fire’s light and meeting the claws, teeth and spines of the enemy. It was clear, however, that the angels were winning as they started to grab the imps and forcefully hauled them, kicking and screaming, out the windows. Outside, Daniel could hear the hunting howls silenced suddenly. He smiled.

Then, there was only Daniel and the demon in the room once more. It landed heavily in front of him, roaring its hatred. “This is not over yet! You are mine!” Growling, it started to rush toward him.

Standing, Daniel raised a hand causing the demon to come up short as if it had slammed into a solid wall in another intense flash of light. “No, I am not and yes, it is. Now. Be gone.” In front of him, the demon began to vibrate, its skin pulsing rapidly as it threw its limbs out wide. It howled then – a horrible sound that cut through Daniel and echoed in his spirit – and then was gone as if it had never been. Finally, he let out a breath that he didn’t know he had been holding, allowing it to slowly whistle out between his teeth.

He laughed, softly at first, the stress washing over him until he was holding his sides in a new kind of pain. The shaking bursts of guffaws almost knocked him over, so he had to reach out and lean on a half charred pew for support. As he paused for a breath, he heard a scrape on the stone beside him. Whirling around, he prepared to face another demon.
Instead, he saw Sarah and Jamie sitting up on the stone table, blinking their eyes rapidly as the dissipating smoke stung their eyes. The bites and deep claw marks that once covered their bodies had been healed, replaced by healthy new skin, though their clothes still bore the evidence of the attack. “Wha… what happened?” Sarah gasped softly. Daniel looked around the Sanctuary with new eyes: a huge gouge had been torn through the sea of pews leaving only broken boards and splinters in its wake, the fire had gone out but left ash and charred boards behind, and blood covered all of them. He blinked and then laughed again. “Come on,” he managed to get out between laughs, staggering over to help them get up. “I’ll tell you over some nice iced tea.”

“But Daniel,” Jamie said, picking her way carefully through the piles of shredded boards. “What are we going to tell the school?”

He looked into the eyes of each of his friends and grinned. “We’ll tell them we were about our Father’s work. I’m sure they’ll understand.”

APEist
02-21-2008, 11:13 PM
Wow. I should really just let Auntshecky handle this, but because I see that you've responded to everyone elses stories from the past few weeks, I feel inclined to respond. If you don't wish to read some rather harsh critique (but what I hope can be helpful), just skip my points and go to my last two paragraphs.

I will begin with my criticisms. Sorry in advance for not quoting examples of what I'm complaining about, but the work is really too lengthy to sift through again.

1. LONG. As in, it was so long that it hurt my eyes. Of course I could have taken a break for every few thousand words, but I don't think a person should need to when reading a short story.

2. Overwritten. Way overwritten. I'd say a good quarter of it could be trimmed away to good effect. Not saying there was much extraneous (off topic stuff), really, but lots of redundancy (things which didn't need to be said). A lot of the descriptions were cliche, things I remember reading in animorph-harry potter level books.

3. Inconsistencies. There were lots of inconsistencies I spotted while reading. So many that I gave up bothering to take note. I think the first that came to mind was Sarah's line "He was our friend." She is supposed to be an example Christian, and that's not the most Christian thing to say. In fact, her character seems to be filled in general with a self-righteous loathing of the people around her. In the end, the characters and happenings are just so unbelievable (not because of the supernatural aspect) that they fail to deliver your message.

4. Dissapointing message and ending. This is my most biased point, to tell you the truth. I'm a former Babtist, now an agnostic. The one reason I kept reading was because I was hoping for an intelligent ending, whether it advocate Christianity or impugn it. An unexpected, enlightening revelation/twist either way was what I was looking forward to while trudging through the dense text. But all that happens is a fight, and the MC regains his faith in a rather understated realization.

For all that, I must say that some of your descriptions were convincing and fun to read. Your structure was Ok as well (it was easy to follow and flowed well), ignoring the overall length.

Good luck, and I hope you had fun writing that. If you did, by all means, keep writing. You may want to put a hold on writing though, and read a few of the classics that can be found listed on this site.

APEist
02-21-2008, 11:15 PM
I just pasted the story into Word and did a word count.

9146.

Nuff said.

Nighteyes5678
02-21-2008, 11:26 PM
First of all, thank you for your comments. I'm not hurt, cause I can take criticism well.

1) A short story doesn't have to be 1-3 thousand words. This is what I wrote for a narrative writing course in short stories and I believe it fits most working definitions of a short story, thus why it's here. That being said,

2) I have a problem overstating things. Also? I'm wordy. I know this. I'm trying to stop. But I have this addiction and it's called words. It's a real problem.

3) The biggest comment I've gotten in other areas is that I set out to write a story and had characters all the way through. I agree, Jamie and Sarah are disappointingly flat and it makes me sad. Please know that they're not suppose to be perfect Christians and each of them was built with a specific flaw in mind. However, I think that's all that they became instead of having that be a subtle part of their personalities. It needs work, I just don't know how to fix it.

4) The ending was disappointing to us both. It was largely thrown in because of a deadline that I had to meet. I've always meant to go back and rewrite it. I had forgotten how much I had disliked the ending until I just went back through now and reread it. >_< The new ending is suppose to be much more... mellow. I have ideas for it, but I'm curious if anyone else has ideas for it.

5) If you'd like to get more specific some time (like, you have a few hours to kill :P), then I'd like to hear more detailed things. What inconsistencies? What lame Animorphities? I'm not being defensive, I'm curious.

Again, thanks for the review and I hope you enjoyed part of it.

AuntShecky
02-23-2008, 04:53 PM
I clicked onto your posting yesterday, and started to read it, but I stopped when I realized how lengthy it was. If the prose itself had seemed compelling, I would have tried
to continue.

When I logged onto the LitNet site today, however, I rec'd
a message in which the participant had asked me to read your story, so I poured myself a copious amount of caffeinated beverage and ploughed through. I do have some impressions which I would like to share with you
if I may.

First, an important thing to remember is that when attempting to write a short story, the operative word is "short." That means that this particular genre of fiction
would range, roughly, between 500 and 5,000 words. Yes, it is true that one can find much longer pieces than that, but at that point the piece begins to entire the neighborhood of the "novella" or the short novel.

There are other characteristics of a short story. First, the plot usually concerns one single event and one or two characters. Your piece contains at least 4, Daniel, Jamie,
Sarah, and the villain, a demon. You might consider dropping the two girls.

Secondly, the action of the short story is taut and moves swiftly, from point A to point B. A horror story especially has to be tightly paced, in order to build tension.The endless speculation, religious polemics of your piece are more likely found ina novel, which proceeds at a more leisurely pace.
By the way, if the theme of this piece contains a hidden agenda -- though in this case, it's not so "hidden," the reader will immediately become suspicious. This will defeat the presumable intention. The narrator wants to convert the reader; however, such a purpose can be done much more subtlely. No one wants to be "lectured to" or
told what to think or how to react to a scene. As an example, contrast an episode of Rod Serling's Twilight Zoneagainst one of Steven Speilberg's movies, which critics often call "manipulative."Let the reader do her own thinking.

Indeed, the original source material is presumably sacred scripture; I'm no holy roller by any stretch of the imagination, but if I remember correctly Christ did his teachings through parables. He let those who had ears hear.

If you wish to continue plying the art of fiction, I have a few suggestions.
1. You really should READ more modern and classic fiction.
Read DeMaupassant (even in translation.) Read Dubliners by James Joyce, Winesburg, Ohio by Sherwood Anderson, Pigeon Feathers by John Updike, and more. While you read, try to discern how the
individual author and/or narrators unravels the scene.

2. You say that you love "words," and that is exactly what a writer should do. The words you choose, however, should be good ones -- as Mark Twain said, "The difference between the right word and the wrong word is like the difference between lightning and a lightning bug."


Since any sentences in your story are weighed down by abstractions and banalities, I would say that you could learn how to be more "expressive." By that I mean, creating phrases and concrete images that sparkle rather than bore the reader to death with their dullness. The best book I've ever read on this particular topic is The Elements of Expression by Arthur Plotnik. Anyone who is interested in writing or even speaking effectively should read and consult that book often.

Another thing I would like you to do is do an Internet search ( with "Google, " Yahoo, Ask.com etc.) of the term
"scrupulous meanness."

Again, what you would want to do is adopt a stingier--
even "miserly"-- attitude toward the words you use. Don't use fifty words to express what could more effectively describe something in two. Brevity, remember, is the soul of wit.

Go back to your original manuscript and delete everything that is extraneous and doesn't directly contribute to your
story. Also, dump the clichés.

And once again, "show," don't "tell."

I hope that some of this advice helps.

Good luck.

AuntShecky
02-23-2008, 04:59 PM
Also, you might want to click this link. (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=29321)

Nighteyes5678
02-24-2008, 02:33 PM
First of all, I want to thank you for reading the story. I had rather hoped you would because I wanted your thoughts. What I wasn't expecting was the clear insulting tone that your comments (particularly the first two paragraphs) were framed in. I don't know if you like to hear that your writing is not compelling, uninspiring and not worth someone else's time, but I happen to feel that such thoughts are discouraging, unhelpful and insulting. Not to mention unnecessary.

That being said, I will respond to your thoughts in the spirit they were given - I know you mean them to help, not harm, so that is how I will read them.

I will state once more, in greater detail, why this story is longer than a normal short story. I understand the "common" definition of a short story. However, I wrote it for a class where the minimum story length was 15 pages and the teacher expected most to be 20 pages. So, I wanted a good grade and wrote a story that would fill the required length. Really, I wouldn't have posted the story here, but I didn't think the length would be such a problem. I'll keep in mind this board's expectations for the next piece I select to share.

If possible, it would be nice to cut out the "endless speculation of religious polemics" in the story, but I rather think, then, that the story would miss its point. Now, if you have thoughts on how to achieve the same effect in a more subtle way, then I would love to hear them.

Interestingly enough, I am a fairly rabid reader and read on a fairly regular basis. The book list you have offered is a good one and I quite enjoyed them. Clearly, you have good taste in writing.

The rest of your thoughts are problems I was aware of and things I'm attempting to correct in my writing. I wrote this story a while ago; hopefully I've improved since then. Sometime, I'll post a shorter, more appropriate story that I'm actually pleased with - never really liked this one - and then we will see how that goes.

Thank you again for your time.

APEist
02-24-2008, 03:41 PM
First of all, I want to thank you for reading the story. I had rather hoped you would because I wanted your thoughts. What I wasn't expecting was the clear insulting tone that your comments (particularly the first two paragraphs) were framed in. I don't know if you like to hear that your writing is not compelling, uninspiring and not worth someone else's time, but I happen to feel that such thoughts are discouraging, unhelpful and insulting. Not to mention unnecessary.


Auntshecky writes with character and honesty, I don't think you should feel insulted. She simply didn't mask the qualities that others would (less honest, less straight-forward people), choosing instead to elaborate on the reality that the fearsome style and length of your work imposed. Again, she writes with character.

Since this isn't a work you were happy with in the first place (and an old piece, at that), don't feel discouraged by our comments. We know nothing of your present writing abilities nor how well read you are, we could only infer after having read your piece. So don't take this as an attack on your present-day status, but rather as a critique on your writing style as of the time you wrote the story.

This board, after all, is meant for the sharing and critiquing/praising of our work.

AuntShecky
02-24-2008, 06:31 PM
[QUOTE=Nighteyes5678;534808]First of all, I want to thank you for reading the story. I had rather hoped you would because I wanted your thoughts. What I wasn't expecting was the clear insulting tone that your comments (particularly the first two paragraphs) were framed in. I don't know if you like to hear that your writing is not compelling, uninspiring and not worth someone else's time, but I happen to feel that such thoughts are discouraging, unhelpful and insulting. Not to mention unnecessary.

Oh, my dear, but I hear that all the time about my own work-- not necessarily on this particular site, but elsewhere. Beyond the initial disappointment, I realize that the criticism is not insulting at all, but "constructive"
in the best sense. If a writer is told over and over again that her work is "great!" or "awesome, Dude!" how is that really going to help in the long run? Where is there room for improvement?

I am sorry that you were hurt, but certainly I never intended to insult you, but to tell you the truth as I saw it. Really, we don't have any way of knowing you and whether or not you're a nice person-- which I'm sure you indeed are!-- is beside the point. All we have are a bunch of words on a computer screen, an inanimate piece of work,
not a person. This is similar to the problem some of the younger contestants on American Idol have -- they take themselves way too seriously. They should understand that a criticism of just one song or one aspect of their work is not a criticism of them as human beings. You may have written masterpieces, but all we were going by was the words set before us in this particular instance.

If people had been honest with me decades ago I would have been much further along in the development of my writing.

Okay?

Nighteyes5678
02-25-2008, 03:09 PM
I need to apologize. I did not intend to give the impression that I was offended or hurt by your words. I was simply pointing out that they came off as nonconstructive criticism, instead of the constructive kind. And that, of course, was only intended for the first little bit of your post. The rest was, as I said before, stellar and I'm very grateful that both of you took the time to read it all and respond. Since you don't know me, you'll just have to take my word on it: I love and actively seek out criticism. If I wanted to be praised, I'd let my mother read my writing, cause she loves everything I write. She kinda has to: she's my mother. I went looking for a writing board because it occurred to me that strangers would be more brutally honest, which I need.

Honestly, I don't write many short stories. I want to start because they're excellent practice, but most of my writing time is spent on my novel I'm trying to hammer out. Of course, at this rate, I'm going to have to rewrite it ten times, because when I'm finally done with the thing, I'll have improved so much I'll need to rewrite the beginning!

Don't worry, I think we'll get along. I'll try and find something I actually like to submit (of a "proper" length), have y'all tear it apart (hopefully), and then ask questions based on that.