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APEist
02-19-2008, 10:31 PM
Ruin

Roger Barrett was reading under a harsh light. He sat on his bed, books strewn around him in a rough circle. Beyond this alcove, dust was accumulating steadily.

“Clean your room, son!” his mother called from below.

“I will in a year or two, Ma!” Roger yelled back.

He was just getting started on Joyce, having finished Tolstoy earlier. Names like Lawrence, Kafka, Goethe, and Melville surrounded him.

“Roger Barret, get that room cleaned or no dinner!”

Food was used as a last resort, Roger knew. Grounding him was pointless and he was too old for a whipping. Besides his books, there was nothing she could take away, and she couldn't really even take those.

Roger rose hesitantly and began straightening out the piles of hardbacks in the corner. All the while he was thinking, “I can write like that.”

***

The triumvirate piped:

“It’s brilliant!”

“Yes, it’s amazing!”

“Genius!”

Roger’s short story lay between the professors and him. He smiled at their enthusiasm, he was eating it up.

“You all really think it’s that good?” he asked, feigning a moderate tone.

“It’s masterful!”

“It’s a classic!”

“You’ll rank with the greats!”

…and so rang the professors. Roger kept smiling, kept listening. Inside, he was gushing with triumph.

***

The fan’s hum and keyboard’s tapping were the only sounds in the dorm. Large diagrams and timelines had been taped across the walls, which Roger glanced to occasionally.

A rancid smell pervaded. Flies hovered around the heap of tied off trash bags littered around the trashcan. Mold spread slowly across the pizza slice next to him, and cloudiness lingered in an open Gatorade. The clothes he had worn four and five times in a row lay in an acrid mound in the corner. None of this bothered him, though.

He was sticky with sweat and dirt, and his concentration was indelible.

***

“Hello?”

“Ma, I need more money,” said Roger into the payphone.

“What? You call for the first time in weeks and the first thing you do is ask for money?”

“Sorry, Ma, I just need it. Whaddaya wanna talk about?”

“Well, Jesus, I don’t know. How are you doing?”

“Great.”

“Well that’s good… who are you reading now? Not Joyce still, is it?”

“Hah, don’t make me laugh. I’m writing my own stuff now. Joyce will wish he had his name on it.”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself, now. How are your other classes?”

“Listen, Ma, I don’t have time for this. I really just need some more money.”

“Roger, I’m giving you what I can! Why aren’t you working a little on the side?”

“Ma, just send me some MORE GODDAMN MONEY! Ok? Thanks.”

***

Roger was lying in his bed, gnawing on his ravaged cuticles, wondering what his professors were thinking. He had given them a copy of his work nearly two weeks ago, and they had promised to finish within the month.

Roger wasn’t thinking about whether or not his professors would like it. Of course they would. He was trying to predict whom they would declare him better than, or at least as good as. Which one of the great authors? Maybe a few of them… maybe all of them. He was brilliant after all, he reflected. A true genius, he remembered them saying.

This line of contemplation kept him awake for the days and most of the nights as he waited.

***

“Well, Roger, it’s okay. It definitely has some problems.”

“I’d say, it’s completely incomprehensible in sections.”

“I agree, it really lacks cohesion throughout.”

Roger couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“Are you all joking?” he asked.

“Mr. Barrett, you’ve made a mistake common amongst beginning writers.”

“Yes, surely you did. Tried too much too fast.”

“Got ahead of yourself, for certain.”

Roger stiffened, his knuckles whitening and face reddening. Beginning to shake, he thought, how could they be saying this? He was an amazing brilliant genius who had spent himself completing the work they were ridiculing. He was amazing for god’s sake! A genius! A great!

Without warning, Roger struck out. He clawed and ripped and bit and tore like a brute, and with ferocious alacrity. When his fever had waned and his eagerness settled, his hecklers laid still on the bloody ground.

***

Roger was being led to the cafeteria. He didn’t have to eat with the other guys this time.

“Tolstoysonofa*****… Orwellnothing… Twainajoke…” he muttered.

“He ever shut the hell up?” one guard asked the other.

“Nope, not usually. His lawyer lost the insanity plead, believe that?”

Roger’s mother was at the table waiting for him, a plate was across the table in front of her.

“You have an hour,” said a guard.

“Wow,” she said with forced cheer, “they’ve got quite a meal here for ya. Filet Mignon, baked potato, and peas! Is that what you wanted?”

“Yes, Ma.”

He ate in silence, occasionally muttering between bites. His mother began crying.

After he was through he said, “Ma, don’t worry about it, most of the greats go like this. They oughtta be happy I’m going the same way, really.”

“I’m not going to be there. I know it’s not painful, though. I just can’t...”

“That’s ok Ma, most of the greats died alone too, really.”

At the end, she stood up, managed to choke out, “Love you,” and left.

Roger wasn’t listening, though. He got a little angry thinking about the professors again. How ignorant they had been, he thought. He consoled himself with the consideration that maybe he was just ahead of his time.

“Ok, let’s go Mr. Great,” said one of the guards.

“Mr. Barrett, the time is now,” said the other.

barbara0207
02-20-2008, 05:59 PM
Your story made me chuckle again and again. I really loved the beginning and the middle part. Partly things seem a bit overdone, especially when you tell the reader how much like a genius the boy feels. The problem may be that "showing" these things might take too much space for a short story.

But what I didn't like at all was the way you chose to end the story. Do you really need the boy's overreaction, his insanity to make your point? Perhaps it's just me, but I think a bit more subtlety would have done the ending a lot of good.

APEist
02-20-2008, 08:08 PM
Thanks for the reply, Barbara. Glad it gave you a few chuckles.


But what I didn't like at all was the way you chose to end the story. Do you really need the boy's overreaction, his insanity to make your point? Perhaps it's just me, but I think a bit more subtlety would have done the ending a lot of good.

Sorry about that. Over at writer's dock, people are loving the ending. Maybe it's a love/hate thing, I dunno.

I wrote it as a satire of my own professors, and wasn't aiming to create something that needed to be pieced together or something that had a less ridiculous impact. When I do satire, I usually go over the top with it. I really like Swift and Voltaire, so can you blame me? hehe

ps. Surprisingly, my professors loved it.

AuntShecky
02-21-2008, 01:18 PM
I always wondered what happened to the guy who put together the book of quotations!

Nah, I kid, I kid. Seriously, do an Internet search of the
phrase "anxiety of influence" and you'll see that there really is a phenomenon such as the one you posited in your story.

Keep writing.

Auntie

Nighteyes5678
02-21-2008, 08:23 PM
The only problem I would have with the ending is the (first time reading it through) lack of cohesion with the rest of the piece. Honestly, he seems to go down the drain a little fast. I enjoyed the style, though. It was well written.

APEist
02-21-2008, 09:35 PM
Hahaha... well, I gotta take back the bit about everyone at the Dock liking the ending. A few more posts over there today and the only complaints were about the ending lol. And then two more here who didn't like it, sooooo....

Obviously I have a problem!

I'll walk away from it for now, since I don't know how to change it at the moment.

Still, thanks for everyone's opinions.

Nighteyes5678
02-21-2008, 09:41 PM
Honestly, it depends on why you're changing it. Do you think that it just doesn't mesh with the rest of the story? If so, then perhaps changing it would improve the story. However, I don't think you should change something you like simply because others don't like it. Writing isn't a popularity contest. However, if you do want the story to end that way, perhaps going back through the story and making sure that the ending "fits" is worthwhile.

Just some thoughts.

APEist
02-23-2008, 04:21 AM
That's true. The people over at Writers Dock are saying that my final irony isn't obvious enough, which is really important to me. So I think I will eventually change it (just make the irony identify itself easier), just not now.

Did anyone here spot the irony I'm talking about?

kiz_paws
02-23-2008, 04:26 AM
I really enjoyed "Ruin" ... I felt it was well thought out, and very easy/pleasurable reading from the opening to the ending. I didn't feel that the ending lacked, really, APEist. But if you do change it, I am sure that you will write one that will do the piece justice. As I say, though, there was nothing wrong with the ending as it stands now. Good writing, very good. :thumbs_up

APEist
02-23-2008, 04:36 AM
Wow snuck that one in quickly didn't ya? Hehe, thanks Kiz.

I'm glad and relieved to know that the ending at least sits well with some people. :)

1n50mn14
02-24-2008, 10:54 AM
Hahaha, I loved this... this reminds me of some people I know, and I just hope they don't end up like him at the end. :p