What They See (a short story needing comment)

[imthefoolonthehill]

deleted so that when my teacher searches for it, she won't think I stole it from imthefoolonthehill.

[DickZ]

I doubt that your intent in creating this story was to make us older folks more grateful that we have this insanity behind us, but that's how I'm taking it.

Nice job!

[APEist]

Awesome approach to the subject. I think I was most impressed with the way you restrained yourself from elaborating on your conversations with the girls, and kept it to what just need to be read. Kept it from being mushy, basically, in favor of being more straight forward.

It's obviously a story that a lot of people can relate to in at least one way, so it's automatically going to affect. But your approach and voice really magnified the significance, to me at least.

Great job man.

[AuntShecky]

The following comments may seem harsh but you asked for them!

1. The story reads like a pseudo-memoir rather than fiction, or even a graphic deposition given to a matrimonial attorney. Look up the elements of fiction, and read copious amounts of fiction, such as Dubliners or Winesburg, Ohio.

2. For the most part it "tells" rather than "shows."

3. The expressions and tone need freshening; too much emphasis on clichés, lists of epithets, tired old dramatic scenes. Tell us something brand new about alcoholism that we haven't read a thousand times before.

4. Put down the heavy hammer and try a little subtlety.

5. Pay attention in English class. There is much inconsistency with your verb tenses. Also the point of view is confusing, as your pronouns inexplicably switch back and forth from the first person singular to the second person singular.

I am sorry if all of this sounds harsh and blunt, but ALL of
us (including yours truly) need to remember the fundamentals if we are serious about wanting to write fiction.

Sincerely,
Aunt Shecky

[APEist]

Personally I didn't even read this as fiction. I read it more as a confessional, really.

A confession of personal experiences, presented as a cautionary tale.

[imthefoolonthehill]

any more comments would be appreciated.

[Nighteyes5678]

Things that really stuck out to me were your tenses, as has already been pointed out. Decide whether or not to write in past tense or present tense and stick with it. Personally, because it is the author telling us a story that happened to him, I would suggest going with past tense because it keeps with that feel. A few times, it would be appropriate to switch to present tense, but such times should be clearly defined and marked.

I did like how you began to incorporate the word "clink" into the story - the eyeglasses, the drink glasses - but do tears really go "clink" when they hit the street? And how did Lela see into the flat? Does the door have windows? was she peeking in through the windows? Or maybe she just walked in? All of this seems to be uncharacteristic of the Lela in the story who is a might too shy to be a peeping tom.

Did he really live with Jenny for 7 years? Cause I think that's what it takes to be considered to be married under common law.

Why was his soul outraged when he quit drinking?

Not trying to be mean, but as far as stylistic writing suggestions go, I'd refer you to a previous post by Aunt Sheckey. It's harsh and blunt, but sometimes that's what we need. I'm more of a plot person, thus my comments.

Happy writing!