These Hands Have Found A Home

[PrinceMyshkin]

I'm posting my contribution to the latest picture poetry contest to see if some of you want to comment on it.

http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd35/SweetsAmerica/hands-766633.jpg


These hands have found a home
in one another after plaster, lath,
brick and the malleable stuff
of which the human heart is made
have failed her.

We go from hand to hand
seeking comfort and refuge
in love, in comradeship, in the hands
of the Creator but, one by one,
each refuge crumbles or is sacked.

The hands that held us, warm
and safe, let go, until we fall, at last,
into our own hands’ clasp.

[ampoule]

I think this is really beautiful, Prince, especially those last three lines.

[Granny5]

Your poem is so beautiful, Prince. It is one of my favorites here at LitNet.
It makes me think of my Mother's hands, although she was very young when we lost her.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Your poem is so beautiful, Prince. It is one of my favorites here at LitNet.
It makes me think of my Mother's hands, although she was very young when we lost her.

Thank you so much, Granny, This means a very great deal to me as I am proud of this poem, although frankly I think it needs one more phrase, two beats, in the next to last line, to slow down the ending and to add a bit of weight to the disappointment of the disappearing hands.

[kiz_paws]

I think you have put a beautiful poem to the picture, Prince. The ending was wonderful, summing it all up. :thumbs_up

[Pendragon]

I wouldn't say it needs anything, Jer, unless you want to add the lines. The poem reads very well like it is, and needs no extra polish to make it a masterpiece! :thumbs_up

[caelycate]

you're picture/poem remind me of all the strong italian women on my mother's side that i never quite got to know. very beautiful....

[Sweets America]

Deleted

[Virgil]

It is nice, Prince. A couple of places seem rough. I'm not sure how to read this: "of which the human heart is made/have failed her." [/QUOTE]
Oh, disregard this comment. For some reason I wasn't reading this right. It reads fine now that my head is clear. ;)

Oh I do like the newer version of the last stanza. Looks like a solid poem now. :)

edit: Oh Prince I lost my original comment. I had thought I had pressed "quote" just now but I had pressed "edit." I'm sorry i can't recover what I originally wrote.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Please let me know whether you prefer this as is:


These hands have found a home
in one another after plaster, lathe,
brick and the malleable stuff
of which the human heart is made
have failed her.

We go from hand to hand
seeking comfort and refuge
in love, in comradeship, in the hands
of the Creator but, one by one,
each refuge crumbles or is sacked.

The hands that held us, warm
and safe, let go, until we fall, at last,
into our own hands’ clasp.
or like this:


The hands that held us, warm
and safe, grow lax, let go, until we fall, at last,
into our own hands’ clasp.

[TheFifthElement]

Please let me know whether you prefer this as is:


These hands have found a home
in one another after plaster, lathe,
brick and the malleable stuff
of which the human heart is made
have failed her.

We go from hand to hand
seeking comfort and refuge
in love, in comradeship, in the hands
of the Creator but, one by one,
each refuge crumbles or is sacked.

The hands that held us, warm
and safe, let go, until we fall, at last,
into our own hands’ clasp.
or like this:


The hands that held us, warm
and safe, grow lax, let go, until we fall, at last,
into our own hands’ clasp.

I think the original version is fine, I'm not sure the addition of 'grow lax' adds a great deal. I like the sense, in the original, of an abrupt shift from being held to being alone, it is intense yet quiet and final. Whilst 'grow lax' makes this more gradual, as a personal preference, I like the intensity of the original.

By the way, it is a lovely poem Jerry, it has your ever assured tone yet I detect a sad reflection, loneliness, and the sense that this is a state whilst fought against, is a fight which can't be won.

[Virgil]

Oh Prince, i made a mistake in my original post. I wanted to quote myself because I now read that last sentence of the first stanza better, but I actually hit edit rather than quote. Now I can't recover what I originally posted. I made a mess. But look at my original post above and you''ll see my revised thought. Sorry for the confusion.

[Pendragon]

The new one gives a three beat ending, Jer, but again, unless you absolutely want it there the poem doesn't need it. You write from such a strong sense of combined emotions that they all come through in your poems, you show and don't tell with your wording.

I can't see anyone reading one of your poems and not becoming caught up the the words. Hasn't almost every poet on here been inspired to add lines to your poetry? Isn't that because they were so caught up in the moment of reading that they just had to continue? Perhaps, mon ami, the poem is perfect, oui?

Pen

[dibyendra]

This is so powerful poem Prince and the picture adds more power to this poem.



We go from hand to hand
seeking comfort and refuge
in love, in comradeship, in the hands
of the Creator but, one by one,
each refuge crumbles or is sacked.

Wow, I liked that Prince. Great work. Very nice work and keep up your great work. :thumbs_up

[1n50mn14]

From the opening line

These hands have found a home
in one another

I enjoyed it.

I'm not a critic, I can't critique because I'm not a poet, but this made me rather sad and contemplative.

[Sweets America]

I think the original version is fine, I'm not sure the addition of 'grow lax' adds a great deal. I like the sense, in the original, of an abrupt shift from being held to being alone, it is intense yet quiet and final. Whilst 'grow lax' makes this more gradual, as a personal preference, I like the intensity of the original.

By the way, it is a lovely poem Jerry, it has your ever assured tone yet I detect a sad reflection, loneliness, and the sense that this is a state whilst fought against, is a fight which can't be won.

I agree with that so much! I know Jer already told you that.:) I think the addition is not good for the poem because it removes the sense of brutality of the original one.

The original poem is very good.:)

[firefangled]

These hands have found a home
in one another after plaster, lathe,
brick and the malleable stuff
of which the human heart is made
have failed her.

We go from hand to hand
seeking comfort and refuge
in love, in comradeship, in the hands
of the Creator but, one by one,
each refuge crumbles or is sacked.

The hands that held us, warm
and safe, let go, until we fall, at last,
into our own hands’ clasp.


or like this:

The hands that held us, warm
and safe, grow lax, let go, until we fall, at last,
into our own hands’ clasp.


I like the treatment of the picture very much. The structure works to emphasize hands and I also like the repetition of sound. I also like the decreasing length of the stanzas.

Regarding the alternate last stanza, the first version is my choice. "Grow lax" makes it read awkwardly and it is not necessary. I understand your intention of hands growing too weak to hold on, but in the end they no longer hold on and that is the point, not why.

I mentioned the sounds earlier, which made me wonder about the word "lathe." Throughout your references are to things of the masonary ilk, of which lath is one and which amintains the same "a" sound as sacked, clasp, plaster. Lathe, however, belongs to woodworking and I got the impression from the photo and your poems of someone whose hands had also been worn by working with stone things that "crumble."

Perhaps I am reading more into this than you intended, or maybe this is one of those cases where what is intended is there, but so are those marvelous "unintended" elements.

Wonderful poem nevertheless.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Whoops. I was misled into thinking that your comment would appear in your own thread, "Afternoon Eyes Closed, which is where I posted my response to the foregoing. Thanks

[aBIGsheep]

I just finished reading this poem. I liked it a lot. I don't really know what else to say since everyone has already beat me to it.

I'll show my mother sometime later.

[Umbilical]

I really like this one...

Keep the original - don't play around with it.

[qimissung]

This is a good poem. Concerning the 'plaster, lathe, brick' that firefangled mentioned, may I add that theses are all things used to build a house- a home-another place we usually seek comfort and refuge.

Also, I loved the ending. Yes, the tone throughout is somewhat sad and contemplative, but the first thought that popped into my head was that people may fail us, even people we love, but eventually we gain wisdom-our hands grow strong and capable enough so that we can take care of ourselves.

[blazeofglory]

I find unsurpassed beauty.

[ctalerico]

This is a hauntingly beautiful poem. I prefer the first version. The extra beats aren't needed, in my opinion and to my ear. The added phrase, "grows lax", does provide more emphasis, greater nuance by extending the imagery but by poem's end it seemed superfluous; I had the lingering sense it took from the whole. Of course, I had benefit of reading both versions. I wonder if I'd have the same reaction if I had only read the latter version? In any case, the poem is quite touching and exquisitely executed. Bravo!

[PrinceMyshkin]

This is a hauntingly beautiful poem. I prefer the first version. The extra beats aren't needed, in my opinion and to my ear. The added phrase, "grows lax", does provide more emphasis, greater nuance by extending the imagery but by poem's end it seemed superfluous; I had the lingering sense it took from the whole. Of course, I had benefit of reading both versions. I wonder if I'd have the same reaction if I had only read the latter version? In any case, the poem is quite touching and exquisitely executed. Bravo!

Thanks, I too felt somewhat as if those extra beats had been forced in there. I wanted to delay the final "at last" a little longer, And I deeply appreciate your thoughtful argument in favour of the shorter original version.

[ctalerico]

Might I suggest your consideration of the use of ellipsis in place of "grow lax" -- it might affect the psychological distance you desire before the arrival of "at last" while not injecting definite beats? Just a thought... here it is for your immediate consideration:

The hands that held us, warm
and safe, let go... until we fall, at last,
into our own hands’ clasp.

[J.D. Sparks]

In order to delay "at last" perhaps you could just play with line spacing.

"The hands that held us, warm
and safe, let go, until
we fall, at last,
into our own hands’ clasp."

Or something like that. I also like the way the sentence literally 'falls' off mid-phrase after 'until'. But that may or may not work for you.

Anyways, sorry that my comment is a bit anachronistic but I just found it through another link!

[MorpheusSandman]

Hmmm, a serious case of necrothreading going on here, but I must say I'm glad it happened. This is one of the most poignant and profound pieces I've ever read here on LitNet, Prince. It's so perfect I don't think I can utter another breathe of criticism.

[lallison]

lovely little resurrection here! Quite tender and sensitive.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Thanks Ctalerico. JD Sparks, Morpheus and lallison.

[Buh4Bee]

Prince, This really is a memorable poem.

[Jesterhead]

i liked it, I think it is beautiful

[PrinceMyshkin]

Jersea & Jesterhead, thank you both.