AuntShecky
02-12-2008, 04:45 PM
You Make Me Feel So Dumb
The rain was coming down like a champagne shower in the locker-room after a championship victory. It’s one thing to celebrate, another to get wet. I had a fold-up umbrella, but it wasn't raining hard enough to risk looking like a damn wimp. I had the choice to try and make a run for it to my Camry, or to the burger joint a couple doors down the block. That seemed like the better deal, but walking into Mr. Bumpety-Bump’s would be worse than getting drenched.
No doubt, what’s-her-name–Annie was it?– would be there. “Oh, Tom!” she'd cry. “Like I knew you'd be back?” Oh, please. Between the “he goes and she goes” gals, the “I'm like. . .and he’s like” lassies, there were the chicks who'd die before committing themselves to a real statement. You know the kind I mean? The up-talking ones who end everything they say with a question mark? Like they're interviewing you? And boy, do they ever – “Uh, what kinda car do you drive? I'm like into sports cars?” Gimme a break. What this boy needs is a woman with a real head on her shoulders. For the first time in my life, I wish could say “I like you for your mind.”
Well, if you believe in Fate, maybe that prospect would be in the cards, although I didn't know it at the time. I ducked into the high-falutin bookstore cause I heard tell that you can hang there as long as you want when you buy an overpriced cup o’ joe from their coffee shop.
I guess other people had the same idea. The joint was packed. I had to stop myself from bumping into this woman and dumping my coffee all over her nice suit.
“ ‘Cuse me,” I said.
“Oh, that’s perfectly all–“ She turned around and shot me a half-smile. She had already picked out her merchandise – the title of the book said “Entropy.” I figured had something to do with sport cups or the Olympics or somethin’.
My eyes followed her all the way to the checkout and toward the exit. I figured if you're gonna make your move, boy, make it now. She stood by the entrance where she stared at the rain.
She jumped when she saw me and then said,“It’s coming down like the proverbial cats and dogs.”
“Or like a high cow pissing on a flat rock. Look, I got this umbrella,” I said. “Let me walk you to your car.”
“Oh, well, uh –I take public trans-- I'll just catch the bus.”
“Don't be silly. Let me drive you–“
What d’ya know ? She took me up on it. Smooth, boy, smooth. She must've missed the memo from her mother about not accepting rides from strangers. God bless the rain!
She told me her name was Althea. ( Later on, I Googled it and found out it was the name of an ancient Greek goddess . Believe you me, this chick was anything but ancient.) “I'm Wolfe,” I said.
“Really. Which kind, the one who travels in a pack or the one who mercilessly pursues females?”
“A little of both. I mean it’s my name – Wolfe, Tom Wolfe.”
“Bonfire of the Vanities Tom Wolfe or You Can't Go Home Again?”
“Uh, a little of both,” I said.
That began the beautiful friendship which maybe could blossom into somethin’ more. On our first date I took her to a semi-pro hockey game, and she was bored out o’ her gourd, even though the Muskrats won, three to two. Then I returned the favor when she took me to a concert. This chamber music stuff, I don't know. If the word gets out, the Sominex Company better watch their back.
See, that was the problem. I'm just an auto mechanic. She’s a professor of comparative literature. I couldn't tell even you what literature is, let alone compare it to something’ else . But, she seemed to like me, and, if you know me, you know that she was hot.
One night we were in this fancy-schmanzy restaurant. She ordered some kind of wine whose name I couldn't pronounce. The waiter poured no more than an inch of it into my glass. I waved my hand in the universal symbol for “keep it coming,” but he only held the bottle up and stood stock-still. After a beat or so, a smug, sarcastic smile came over his face; Althea looked embarrassed. “Uh- how does it taste, Tom?”
“Oh! You want I should try it?” I gulped down and shrugged. “It’s okay. Fine.”
Finally the waiter filled Althea’s glass and then mine. I could be hallucinating, but as he walked away it looked like his shoulders were shaking.
And then, when we were leaving the joint, another guy was coming in. It was like old home week. “Althea! How are you!”
“Oh, Dean, it’s so good to see you! We rush by each other in the halls on campus,and we never seem to connect. Oh, I'm so rude! Dean Woodruff, this is my dear friend, Tom Wolfe.”
He shook my hand and I have to tell you that his palms felt like he never did a lick of honest work in his entire life. They, Althea and this Dean dude, made with the chit-chat forever. Finally we were on the way back to my crib.
“You seem quiet tonight, Tom. Is something bothering you?”
“What? Nah. No, I'm my usual delightful self, Hon.” But it was gnawing at me. A little later I asked her, “Is he your old boyfriend?”
“Who?”
“That guy back there. What's-his-name, Dean. Dean Martin or somethin.”
She threw her head back and laughed. “Oh no! His first name isn't Dean. He ‘s a dean, Dean of the College of Liberal Arts. No, Dear, we were never as they say, an ‘item.’ We're only colleagues, co-workers.”
“So what was he, like your boss?”
Althea nodded. “Yes. Yep. Something like that.”
Next day at my place, I grabbed the DVD we were going to play, but the door on the machine wouldn't open. “Damn piece o’ junk! “
” Perhaps the cable connection is loose, or your remote needs a change of batteries. Would you like me to take a look?”
“NO! I mean, no, that’s all right. Let’s just see what’s on the tube.” I tuned it toa cable channel that plays old movies. Hell, I was paying for it, might as well get my money’s worth. “Aggh! Now the color’s out!”
“No, wait. I know this movie,” Althea said. “It’s Born Yesterday. It was shot in black and white originally.”
So we sat there watching the movie on television. This chick, Billie, was a real dumb cluck while this smart-*** – I don't know his name, the actor was William Holden– was trying to get some learning into her. She, this Billie, was a pisser. She thought “Peninsula” meant a kind of medicine.
“Oh, this is priceless, isn't it, Tom? Just to watch Judy Holliday, and to see her character grow! “ All of a sudden Althea was channeling Roger Ebert or somethin.’ But as I watched, I saw Holden constantly preaching to this Billie, correcting her grammar and such, but instead o’ getting pissed, she seemed to want to learn more. That was some kinda deal William Holden had. No matter how much this Billie learned, he'd always be two or three steps ahead o’ her. He would always have the upper hand, always be superior. Poor Billie!
I pointed to the LED clock on top o’ the cable box. “Jeez! Is that the time?” I slapped my forehead as dramatically as I could. “I forgot! I got a dentist appointment!”
“A dentist appointment? On a Sunday?”
“Yeah, he comes in specially for me, on days I don't gotta work. Gee, Althea, I'm so sorry, but like I say, I forgot.”
It was awkward, but I dropped Althea off at her place, apologizing all the way. I made a mental note to change my cell phone number first thing in the morning.
Then I sped over to Mr. Bumpety Bump, a different one across town, not the one next to the bookstore. I ordered a regular coffee and it came to $2.23. Damn! All I had on me was a double sawsie and a quarter. I gave them to chick behind the counter.
Well, a look of total confusion crossed her face. You'd think I'd asked her to translate somethin’ from the Greek. She stared at the lighted screen atop her register and back to the bill and the coin in her hand. “Just give me eighteen bucks and two pennies, “ I told her.
She squinted. “But that’s not like what it says.”
“Trust me.” Nervously the chick finally completed the simple transaction. Dumber than a box o’ rocks! But man, was she ever cute.
All Rights Reserved.
The rain was coming down like a champagne shower in the locker-room after a championship victory. It’s one thing to celebrate, another to get wet. I had a fold-up umbrella, but it wasn't raining hard enough to risk looking like a damn wimp. I had the choice to try and make a run for it to my Camry, or to the burger joint a couple doors down the block. That seemed like the better deal, but walking into Mr. Bumpety-Bump’s would be worse than getting drenched.
No doubt, what’s-her-name–Annie was it?– would be there. “Oh, Tom!” she'd cry. “Like I knew you'd be back?” Oh, please. Between the “he goes and she goes” gals, the “I'm like. . .and he’s like” lassies, there were the chicks who'd die before committing themselves to a real statement. You know the kind I mean? The up-talking ones who end everything they say with a question mark? Like they're interviewing you? And boy, do they ever – “Uh, what kinda car do you drive? I'm like into sports cars?” Gimme a break. What this boy needs is a woman with a real head on her shoulders. For the first time in my life, I wish could say “I like you for your mind.”
Well, if you believe in Fate, maybe that prospect would be in the cards, although I didn't know it at the time. I ducked into the high-falutin bookstore cause I heard tell that you can hang there as long as you want when you buy an overpriced cup o’ joe from their coffee shop.
I guess other people had the same idea. The joint was packed. I had to stop myself from bumping into this woman and dumping my coffee all over her nice suit.
“ ‘Cuse me,” I said.
“Oh, that’s perfectly all–“ She turned around and shot me a half-smile. She had already picked out her merchandise – the title of the book said “Entropy.” I figured had something to do with sport cups or the Olympics or somethin’.
My eyes followed her all the way to the checkout and toward the exit. I figured if you're gonna make your move, boy, make it now. She stood by the entrance where she stared at the rain.
She jumped when she saw me and then said,“It’s coming down like the proverbial cats and dogs.”
“Or like a high cow pissing on a flat rock. Look, I got this umbrella,” I said. “Let me walk you to your car.”
“Oh, well, uh –I take public trans-- I'll just catch the bus.”
“Don't be silly. Let me drive you–“
What d’ya know ? She took me up on it. Smooth, boy, smooth. She must've missed the memo from her mother about not accepting rides from strangers. God bless the rain!
She told me her name was Althea. ( Later on, I Googled it and found out it was the name of an ancient Greek goddess . Believe you me, this chick was anything but ancient.) “I'm Wolfe,” I said.
“Really. Which kind, the one who travels in a pack or the one who mercilessly pursues females?”
“A little of both. I mean it’s my name – Wolfe, Tom Wolfe.”
“Bonfire of the Vanities Tom Wolfe or You Can't Go Home Again?”
“Uh, a little of both,” I said.
That began the beautiful friendship which maybe could blossom into somethin’ more. On our first date I took her to a semi-pro hockey game, and she was bored out o’ her gourd, even though the Muskrats won, three to two. Then I returned the favor when she took me to a concert. This chamber music stuff, I don't know. If the word gets out, the Sominex Company better watch their back.
See, that was the problem. I'm just an auto mechanic. She’s a professor of comparative literature. I couldn't tell even you what literature is, let alone compare it to something’ else . But, she seemed to like me, and, if you know me, you know that she was hot.
One night we were in this fancy-schmanzy restaurant. She ordered some kind of wine whose name I couldn't pronounce. The waiter poured no more than an inch of it into my glass. I waved my hand in the universal symbol for “keep it coming,” but he only held the bottle up and stood stock-still. After a beat or so, a smug, sarcastic smile came over his face; Althea looked embarrassed. “Uh- how does it taste, Tom?”
“Oh! You want I should try it?” I gulped down and shrugged. “It’s okay. Fine.”
Finally the waiter filled Althea’s glass and then mine. I could be hallucinating, but as he walked away it looked like his shoulders were shaking.
And then, when we were leaving the joint, another guy was coming in. It was like old home week. “Althea! How are you!”
“Oh, Dean, it’s so good to see you! We rush by each other in the halls on campus,and we never seem to connect. Oh, I'm so rude! Dean Woodruff, this is my dear friend, Tom Wolfe.”
He shook my hand and I have to tell you that his palms felt like he never did a lick of honest work in his entire life. They, Althea and this Dean dude, made with the chit-chat forever. Finally we were on the way back to my crib.
“You seem quiet tonight, Tom. Is something bothering you?”
“What? Nah. No, I'm my usual delightful self, Hon.” But it was gnawing at me. A little later I asked her, “Is he your old boyfriend?”
“Who?”
“That guy back there. What's-his-name, Dean. Dean Martin or somethin.”
She threw her head back and laughed. “Oh no! His first name isn't Dean. He ‘s a dean, Dean of the College of Liberal Arts. No, Dear, we were never as they say, an ‘item.’ We're only colleagues, co-workers.”
“So what was he, like your boss?”
Althea nodded. “Yes. Yep. Something like that.”
Next day at my place, I grabbed the DVD we were going to play, but the door on the machine wouldn't open. “Damn piece o’ junk! “
” Perhaps the cable connection is loose, or your remote needs a change of batteries. Would you like me to take a look?”
“NO! I mean, no, that’s all right. Let’s just see what’s on the tube.” I tuned it toa cable channel that plays old movies. Hell, I was paying for it, might as well get my money’s worth. “Aggh! Now the color’s out!”
“No, wait. I know this movie,” Althea said. “It’s Born Yesterday. It was shot in black and white originally.”
So we sat there watching the movie on television. This chick, Billie, was a real dumb cluck while this smart-*** – I don't know his name, the actor was William Holden– was trying to get some learning into her. She, this Billie, was a pisser. She thought “Peninsula” meant a kind of medicine.
“Oh, this is priceless, isn't it, Tom? Just to watch Judy Holliday, and to see her character grow! “ All of a sudden Althea was channeling Roger Ebert or somethin.’ But as I watched, I saw Holden constantly preaching to this Billie, correcting her grammar and such, but instead o’ getting pissed, she seemed to want to learn more. That was some kinda deal William Holden had. No matter how much this Billie learned, he'd always be two or three steps ahead o’ her. He would always have the upper hand, always be superior. Poor Billie!
I pointed to the LED clock on top o’ the cable box. “Jeez! Is that the time?” I slapped my forehead as dramatically as I could. “I forgot! I got a dentist appointment!”
“A dentist appointment? On a Sunday?”
“Yeah, he comes in specially for me, on days I don't gotta work. Gee, Althea, I'm so sorry, but like I say, I forgot.”
It was awkward, but I dropped Althea off at her place, apologizing all the way. I made a mental note to change my cell phone number first thing in the morning.
Then I sped over to Mr. Bumpety Bump, a different one across town, not the one next to the bookstore. I ordered a regular coffee and it came to $2.23. Damn! All I had on me was a double sawsie and a quarter. I gave them to chick behind the counter.
Well, a look of total confusion crossed her face. You'd think I'd asked her to translate somethin’ from the Greek. She stared at the lighted screen atop her register and back to the bill and the coin in her hand. “Just give me eighteen bucks and two pennies, “ I told her.
She squinted. “But that’s not like what it says.”
“Trust me.” Nervously the chick finally completed the simple transaction. Dumber than a box o’ rocks! But man, was she ever cute.
All Rights Reserved.