Beautiful Beasts

[Auriga]

Alright, a little disclaimer. For all intents and purposes, this is my first "real" poem. It's meant as an assignment of sorts for my creative writing English class in college. We were supposed to start with 10 things we remember from our bedrooms as children, then, choose 2-3 of those things and do a free write. From that, take certain ideas and elaborate on them in prose. I had about 3 different drafts before this one, and this is what I like best so far. Any kind of critique would be appreciated, as I have never officially written poetry before, but I'm growing a kind of admiration towards it. :D


The pale blue paint flashes
reflections of dancing gods
moving in structureless
syncopated time.

The thunder sounds and the
lightning creates silhouettes
of innocuous beasts,
bold and beautiful, without fear.

[kiz_paws]

Auriga, welcome to LitNet. I liked your poem, and since you asked for some critique, I will give you some of my 'uneducated' thoughts (I say uneducated, because I am by no way or means an expert) -- I'll just shoot from the hip, as they say.

First I wanted to say that in the poem, the word "the" crops up and kind of ruins the fluid feeling of the poem. I'd negate "the", so that it would read


Pale blue paint flashes
reflections of dancing gods
moving in structureless
syncopated time.

Thunder sounds and
lightning creates silhouettes
of innocuous beasts,
bold and beautiful, without fear

And finally, the two words "without fear" I sort of feel goes nowhere -- in the sense of who is without fear -- the beasts, or he that watches these silhouettes ... I don't know, they kind of just stand out as unfinished, or something.

I hope you don't mind my words; I am often sensitive about my work, but if someone offers something kindly, then it is food for thought afterall. Hope to read a lot more poetry from you in the future, it is addicting, isn't it! :p

Cheers, Kizzo :)

[dramasnot6]

Some beautiful imagery- but it reads as if it is lacking a lot, I think you can work wonders with this poem if maybe you flesh it out a bit.
:thumbs_up

[Auriga]

Thank you all for the responses. Kiz, I do like your idea about removing the word "the", it does create a more fluid motion. However, the "without fear" is there for a reason. It's meant as an ambiguous term. For me, it means the beasts dancing on the walls are without fear, but I put it in so as to maybe mean, depending on interpretation, the person watching the beast is without fear as well. However, maybe I can figure out a better way to incorporate that term.. Anyway, like you said, it's all food for thought. I just started working on it yesterday, so I have a ways to go, I think. :D

[PrinceMyshkin]

It reads like a promising introduction to the body of a poem that has yet to be written.

[blazeofglory]

This is indeed a beautiful poem and the beauty of it is really appealing and I am moved by the simplicity of it yet this is characterized by something deep.

You have really exhibited some skills in composing poem, no matter you seem to be a beginner. But at times it is from the beginner that real poems come out.