Secrets Of The Past.

[Emz_x]

Hey, I started writing a short story the other day, and I thought i'd post it
Tell me what you think & if you want anymore if you like it.. lol
Be honest though..don't tell me its good if it's not lol!
Thanks
x

I'm thinking of changing the title cos i don't like it lol

Intro

Sally watched him as he heaved his heavy suitcase into the boot of the car. Tears rolled down her cheeks. She looked away, she couldn't bare to see him go. She looked up and her eyes met his - wet with tears about to overflow and fall down his cheeks.
"Don't leave me." She pleaded, just one last time.
"Sal..don't make this harder baby.." he looked away, a lump formed in his throat and he couldn't go on.
"Ste...I love you, so much.." she bit her lip "I can't lose you.." she broke down, tears falling from her eyes. She held her head in her hands.
Steven came up to her, holding her in his arms. They sat on the wall beside them. "I'm sorry baby...I just can't lie to you anymore."
"I don't care about your past. I don't care what's happened. I don't care what my parents think. I just care about me and you...I care about you Ste..please, i'm begging you. Don't do this."
"I'm sorry" He said, getting up and leaving in his place his favourite picture of them both.
Sally looked at the picture, they were standing on a beach in Egypt on holiday, looking into each others eyes like a loved up couple and he was holding her, so tightly. She closed her eyes, she went back to that time, when they were happy, she wished she could erase the last 24 hours. She looked up and watched him drive away into the distance, she stared - her eyes glazed over with tears making her vision blurry. She blinked, and he was gone.
I'm going to tell you Steve & Sally's story.

[APEist]

In all honesty, I thought it might have been the beginning to a Lifetime movie. I just don't think you can start with that type of dialogue, it jus't doesn't seem real at all. You could pull it off if you used mainly body-language interaction with a few sparse words that conveyed a real heartbreak though.

Since you've only written what is probably only a short bit of the story you have in mind, I'd recommend reworking it entirely. Stories like the ones you're trying to tell are pretty hard to pull off, and I'll give major kudos if you manage to do it.

[1n50mn14]

The grammar you've used really bothers me, even though it's small things like having a period at the end of "Don't leave me." She pleaded...

Which should be "Dont leave me," she pleaded, just one last time. Also, use of the word "bare" instead of "bear". Plus yeah, it is sort of typical and life-time-y. Though I AM interested to know what their story is.

Please continue.

[Nighteyes5678]

"She closed her eyes, she went back to that time, when they were happy, she wished she could erase the last 24 hours." That's a little bit awkward. You might want to change it to: "She closed her eyes and went back to that time when they were happy. She wished she could erase the last 24 hours."

Honestly, I'd go through and see how many times you can get rid of the word "she", largely in the last paragraph. Same with "her". There are times you can just get rid of a few of those words, much like I did in the section above.

I'm going to go ahead and agree with those before me who commented on the conversation style. It's a little - pardon the phrase - cheesy and it's hard to imagine anyone talking like that.

The story shows promise. Take a hard look at your style before committing to a larger body of work. It's much easier to change now than 5, 10 pages down the road.