criticsim welcomed, how ever tough

[Tia_Pixie]

Names are pronounced as follows: Tairon=Tye-rone Tai=Tye, Cimbali=Kimberly. I know these may seem pretty obvious but my sister read it and kept asking me how to pronounce it so...:) anyway here's the story, it was supposed to be the first chapter of a big story but i haven't got round to doing the next part yet and i was wondering if it was worth it. Any replies/critism would be welcomed!

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Lights. And screams. There's someone standing in the shadows. I can't see their face but they seem familiar somehow. No, I don't think I know them. Suddenly deafening, ear-splitting, thunderous crashes. A sound which shakes the earth I'm standing on. I look up the hillside and see rocks hurtling towards me and then...darkness. Blissful, painless darkness.

But now light again, red light which burns my eyes even though I know they're closed tight. I can hear a familiar voice. It's saying my name. It seems close by and yet distant at the same time. I know that voice, it's Kim.

“Tai? Tai, are you awake?”

“Go 'way, 'm sleeping!” Kim, what's wrong with you? Why did you have to come in and wake me now?!
“Tai get up! Tai? TAI!”

She yanked the bed covers back and exposed the slender, pajama clad body underneath. He shivered in the cool morning air and brought his knees up almost to his chin, his arms instinctively wrapping around himself for warmness.

“Tai come on get up.” She pleaded with her brother, but to no avail. He remained stubbornly still. She could almost have laughed, normally he was the one trying to drag her out of bed in the mornings, but not today. Today was the first day of their examinations, not examinations in the true sense of the word of course, not really. These were just to determine which element they were best suited to, if any at all, then the real tests would begin.

She gave an exasperated 'huff' and blew her long raven hair out of her face, securing it with a loosely tied band. Not that there was much point in this, she'd have taken it out again before she reached breakfast.

“Tai.” she growled quietly, opting for the dangerous approach. Still no response, except that he sat up rather suddenly, snatched the blankets away from her, and snuggled back down into bed. It was time for a change of tactics she decided. So, putting on her most charming and coaxing purr, she said:

“Tai? Come on, we don't want to be late. Tai, please? Look you've still got to eat breakfast and pack your bags. Come on please, this is SO important to me, don't make me late for it.” Nothing; how dare he be so stubborn! “Okay, fine. If you don't want to get up then fine just stay there, see if I care.” She said defiantly and started striding away whilst keeping one eye on her brother's curled up form. He remained perectly still as though he had not heard her. “Right.”she muttered under her breath. She turned and tip-toed back to the bed, knelt down next to his pillow and purred, “Tairon? Baby brother are you listening? I'm going down to breakfast and I'm not going to go to school without you, so, GET UP!” She punctuated the last two words with a harsh shove towards the side of the bed and he landed unceremoniously on the wooden floor with a dull thud.

“See you downstairs, little bro!” She smiled sweetly as his dark, dishevelled head appeared looking somewhat confused, his eyes still heavily lidded. He frowned slightly as he heard her skipping lightly down the long corridor towards the stairs, humming to herself as she went.

He gave a long suffering sigh and heaved himself to his feet. This was not strictly necessary as, being small and skinny as he was, there was never any need to heave himself anywhere. He walked drowsily towards his open wardrobe and pulled out a long-sleeved T-shirt. Sniffing it tentatively, he padded towards the reading chair where he had left his trousers the night before. He pulled his nightshirt over his head and, without bothering to look, threw it over his shoulder onto his bed. He would pick it up later.

As he walked slowly towards his bedroom door, he caught a glimpse of his reflection in the somewhat aged mirror on his wall. Tairon, unlike his sister Cimbali, did not give much thought to his appearance. Oh, he liked to look tidy, certainly, and there was never a hair out of place, but further than that he did not much bother. He was not shallow but he had never been overly comfortable with his appearance. He did not look much like any of his male friends, which, given MacKenzie's appearance was not that bad a thing. He was however, disgruntled by the fact that while his friends were starting to become quite tall and muscular in stature, he, in contrast, was rather short and, he supposed towards the scrawny end of slim - well, lithe, Kim called it. His hair was a shining jet black, was rather thin and reached to just tickle the nape of his neck. His face, while most of his contours were quite soft and almost effeminate (as he had frequently been told by other students at school) was angular and thin, with high cheekbones. He had large, very dark eyes with long, black lashes, and full, dark brown lips. All in all, he thought with an inward sigh, he was rather effeminate, and, if he grew his hair slightly, could easily pass for a girl, albeit a very flat chested one.

It wasn't just his appearance that annoyed him, oh no. He was hurtling towards his sixteenth birthday and subsequent coming of age at an alarming rate. He had very little money, no family except Kim and a sister of his late mother's who lived in a different city on the other side of the mountains, and, to cap it all off, he just knew he was going to fail his entrants exam today. He frowned at this thought, his slender eyebrows knitting together for a moment. Then, having given his reflection a last once-over, brushing some non-existent specks off of his shoulder and smoothing down his hair, he made his way through the door and into the hall.

He had not gone more than about three steps out of his door when he bumped into Mr Room 9 being helped along the corridor by his slightly-older-than-Tairon daughter.. Having made his murmured apologies to them both and having heard Miss Room 9's stage whisper of “Oh head in the clouds that one, Da!” he slipped down the stairs and went in search of his sister.
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Thanks to Barbara and APEist for the grammar etc.

[pussy cat]

Great keep up the good work

[barbara0207]

Very well told, Tia. I'd like to know how the story goes on. There is suspense here that makes the reader curious. Plus, you have created two likeable characters and hint at some problems they may have.

There is only one thing that I do not quite understand. It's a matter of perspective. You start with a first-person narration from the boy's point of view. Then the viewpoint changes to his sister (third-person narration). Then the viewpoint is changed again: it's the boy now in third-person narration. Why do you do that? I should have expected either third person or first person consistently for one and the same character. Otherwise the reader may get confused.

But perhaps you did it on purpose for reasons that I do not see at the moment.

As I said, apart from this point I really liked that beginning of a novel very much. I'm eager to read the rest. :D

[APEist]

Interesting story, especially the ending. You have a knack for character voices and some of your descriptions (especially about the eyebrows) are clever. That said, be careful about your point of view, and here is what I would change otherwise:

There's someone stood in the shadows.- There is someone standing in the shadows

Kim, what's wrong with you? Why did you have to come in and wake me now?!- You're switching perspective here to first person when everything else besides the intro is 3rd person. Just doesn't work.

pyjama- pajama

She pleaded with her brother but to no avail- comma after brother

,deciding to opt for the dangerous approach- opting for the dangerous approach

sat up rather suddenly snatched the blankets away from her and snuggled back down into bed- commas after suddenly and her

putting on her most charming and coaxing purr said- putting on her most charming and coaxing purr, she said

Nothing, how dare he be so stubborn!- change comma to semi-colon, it's a seperate clause

and starting to stride- and started striding

without you so, GET UP- another comma before so

“See you downstairs, little bro!” She smiled sweetly as his dark, dishevelled head appeared looking somewhat confused, his eyes still heavily lidded.- great sentence, made me laugh

He sighed a long suffering sigh- try not to repeat yourself like you did here, find a way to cut out the second sigh yet retain the suffering. Perhaps "He sighed sufferingly"

in the somewhat aged mirror on his wall.- 'somewhat aged' is redundant

tidy certainly and there was never a hair out of place but- commas before and after certainly, and a comma before but

stature he, in contrast, was rather short and, he supposed towards the scrawny end of slim- comma before first he, cut out the whole ", he supposed towards the scrawny end of slim" and just say 'was rather short and scrawny'

and, if he grew his- comma before and

subsequent- subsequently

alarming rate, had very little money, no family except Kim and a sister of his late mother's who lived in a different city on the other side of the mountains and, to cap it all off, he just knew he was going to fail his entrants exam today.- split into at least 2 different sentences. there should be a period after the word rate

moment then having- period after moment, capitalize then, comma after then.

then having given his reflection a last once-over, brushed some non-existent specks off of his shoulder and smoothed down his hair he made his way through the door and into the hall.- this sentence should look like this: then, having given his reflection a last once-over, brushing some non-existent specks off of his shoulder and smoothing down his hair, he made his way through the door and into the hall.

Mr. Room 9- makes me thing you are creating an Orwellian piece, 1984ish perhaps?

[Tia_Pixie]

Mr. Room 9- makes me thing you are creating an Orwellian piece, 1984ish perhaps?[/QUOTE]

Orwellian? sorry i don't know quite what this means, if you are referring to George Orwell, 1984, then nope i'm not. I just didn't see the point of giving this guy a name because I'm never going to use him again, and also, i wanted to give the sense that Tai and Kim might as well not be there because nobody knows anyone else who lives in that house. It's supposed to be like an alms/hostel house.

Thank you so much for all the help you've given me, i am going to edit them into it.

I have left 'somewhat aged' , subsequent and "he supposed towards the scrawny end of slim" because i did think for a long time whether i should change that but i wanted to leave 'somewhat' because eventhough it makes the statement redundant, i wanted to leave it in.

Subsequent i left in becuase it was the right word, 'his subsquently coming of age' makes no sense, i know i could rearrange the sentence but i think it does make sense th way it is.

as for the scrawny bit, i left that because it is more what Tai thinks there. He thinks he is sort of scrawny, but it is not in 1st person.

thanks again for all your help APEist, i was really happy to find that people had read it and decided to post responses.:thumbs_up

i'm so sorry, Barbara i forgot to reply to your message. so, here is my reply:

Thank you for your kind reply, i really appreciated it. Um, the reason i switched between persons, is that Tai is going to be my lead character. It was/is going to be like a coming of age thing, Tai has basically got some dark secrets in his past (mwahahaha!) and the first part was like a nightmare/dream of his. The second bit from his POV was supposed to be in italics and i forgot.

For the main part, my story is/was going to be in third person narration, but might occasionally switch to Tai's POV in dream sequences. :-)

I had better get writing on that next chapter then, so i can post it for you. :D

[Nighteyes5678]

I'd like to caution you from switching to first-person for your nightmare/dream pieces. Partly because writing in first-person is very tricky, especially for surreal things like dreams, and partly because it's hard to get it to jive with the rest of the 3rd person narrative. But, you're aware of that, so enough said.

Ape took most of my stylistic suggestions, so I'll leave that alone as well.

I know what you're talking about with Mr.Room Nine and Miss. Room Nine, but you might want to consider changing calling them that. It's a little awkward. Perhaps you could simply have Tai note that the room is number 9 and since they're leaving it, they must live there. Also, I'd ditch comparing the daughter's age to Tai cause it's awkward too and, if we don't see them again, is unimportant. Simply state "his teenage daughter" or something like that.

Good start, though!

[Bethany_Argyros]

I think it was great, and all those nit-picky little things that APEist said were all in reference to their own writing style, many of them are optional, obviously, the misspelling of pajamas excluded.

i think the switch to first person does kindof work, but only because you put it in italics. It would work even better if you put a s/he thought after it.

keep up the great work! i want to know what happens next.

[barbara0207]

many of them are optional, obviously, the misspelling of pajamas excluded.

It's not a 'misspelling' - it's the original, so to speak. 'pajama(s)' is American usage, in most other English-speaking parts of the world it's 'pyjama(s)'. :)