Alexia

[Louisos]

Criticise, analyse, advise, ask.

I left her hotel room in her flowing grey dress. Tonight was going to be one of the most awkward dinners I’d ever had. I didn’t know whether to call it a date or a dinner but that didn’t matter. What mattered was that it was with Tony. The infamous Tony. Tony was a very successful dreamer. Everything he did had to be from a movie. Everything he did had to be random. Creative. Emotionally driven, and lacking the application of logic. Many times, Tony had made romantic moves on me. And many times I had rejected him. But sometimes I had let him a little bit closer than I should of, and it was this that kept Tony’s love alive, but then, sometimes I wondered why I rejected him anyway; he was handsome, rich, funny and many other desirable things that I desperately needed in my life, and the life of my son.

Tony stepped out of his front door in a blue Hawaiian shirt and red silk trousers, his Egyptian skin sensitive to the cold, he was excited about tonight’s date, but also very confused, his film production company had taken part in a hostile takeover of another firm today; this now meant Tony was in control of about a third of the countries media production, but he felt absolutely horrible about it, furthermore, he seemed to have lost his life long love for Alexia, he couldn’t explain it, he just felt so bad. As a man and woman walked past him as he neared his car, Tony noticed something, the woman was quite mousy and small beside her husband, who was clearly the dominating figure in their relationship, he was about a foot and a half taller than the woman. Just his walking posture emanated control as he strode past. Tony stopped and watched them disappear into the night.

I arrived first at the restaurant; it was Italian. Tony’s favourite. I sat at the two-seat table. I noticed a rose on the middle of the table. I looked around at the other tables. No one else had one. Damn Tony, he has no brain, just a very large heart. I sat and observed the other people in the restaurant. It was clearly aimed at romantic couples. The kind of ones you see in romance movies or read about in romantic books. Tony would love that. At one point in my life, such a gesture may have swept me off my feet, and directly into the arms of the gesturer that had gone so far to gain my love, they would spend long nights in the Italian sun, living the dream as the days passed by without trouble. But not anymore. I had limits now. I was a Roman.

After waiting a further five minutes, I saw Tony take a short step inside the door. Instantly, all of my criticism of Tony shrunk away, as for the first time in years I realised just how good looking he was, despite the red silk trousers, I quickly started to fiddle with my red dress before he spotted me, eventually he did, and he scuttled, much like a child, over to the table.

For the next twenty minutes or so, they indulged in dense small talk as they waited for their orders, when the orders had arrived, there was some more small talk followed by the conversation that occurred in every one of their dates or dinners together. It included; Tony’s career. Interesting things that had happened to Tony. What Tony likes to do in his spare time. But then something very bizarre happened, Tony wanted to know about Alexia’s life, what had happened to her recently, at first Alexia was taken aback, but then she thought, perhaps Tony may have matured, and her attraction grew for him as time went on, eventually they finished their meals, Tony asked Alexia to pay the bill, she assumed this was because he was out of money and he would pay her back at a later date, either way, she was so smitten she didn’t care.




The two of them decided to head back to the hotel Alexia was staying at, Le Coeur Dans une Cage.

I opened my room with the key, it was such a bare essentials room it depressed me somewhat, nonetheless the two of us went inside. This was where it got really awkward. In the bustle of the Italian restaurant, there had been plenty of things to see, to talk about. But now in the quiet of the hotel room, an awkward silence grew. Usually Tony would take the lead of such a situation. But he didn’t make one move that sent off such signals.

As the romance of the night faded away, I grew increasingly nervous. Why was Tony not doing anything? In the end, I could only think of one way to save my chance with him. I summoned up all my bravery and, in one fluid motion, I walked towards the troubled looking Tony who’d found it hard to look at me all night, and I threw my arms around him just as the hotel door burst open. Tony, who’d taken to this rather enthusiastically looked round even quicker than I did.

In the doorway, stood Alexia’s mother. Sarah. In a black top and skirt. Beside her stood Alexia’s four-year-old son Ollie, dressed in his Policeman Outfit. “Oh, so this is he urgent meeting you had to attend, this is the reason you abandoned your own child for two days.” Alexia looked down into Ollie’s eyes. Her passion filled heart slowed down, began to stop. “ I should leave,” said Tony, in a voice not befitting of his usual mindset, he fled the room like it contained smallpox. Alexia’s mother waited until the footsteps of Tony died away; “how could you do something like that? He was Andrews best friend, his best man at your wedding!”
“I know… I’m sorry mother its just, sometimes I get so lonely without him.”

Sarah left the hotel seething, how could a woman that she had raised commit such a treacherous act as that? Was it the way she brought her up? Or was it other people that had interfered in her life? Nonetheless, such things would never happen again. She stepped past the disgusting scene of an extremely tall man entwined with, and dominating the frame of another man, and stepping into the night, disappeared into the darkness.

Ollie was in bed now. Though he’d refused to remove his policeman outfit he seemed to be snoring soundly. I was still shaken about the turn of events that had taken place. I looked long and hard at myself in the bathroom mirror, my black hair, it had changed colour after Ollie’s birth from red, the doctors say it was because of the stress on my body through Ollie’s very difficult birth. I took off my black dress and crept into bed. I would never see Tony again, for Ollie’s sake.

Ollie was the one to find his mother, he couldn’t wake her up. He ran downstairs in the hotel and screamed and shouted. An ambulance came, but they said there was nothing they could do. The doctors mumbled something about her heart that Ollie could never understand and then left Ollie in the care of his grandmother.

[Nighteyes5678]

Tony stepped out of his front door in a blue Hawaiian shirt and red silk trousers, his Egyptian skin sensitive to the cold, he was excited about tonight’s date, but also very confused, his film production company had taken part in a hostile takeover of another firm today; this now meant Tony was in control of about a third of the countries media production, but he felt absolutely horrible about it, furthermore, he seemed to have lost his life long love for Alexia, he couldn’t explain it, he just felt so bad. This is a very long run-on sentence. Perhaps it could be broken down like this? "Tony stepped out of his front door in a blue Hawaiian shirt and red silk trousers, his Egyptian skin sensitive to the cold. He was excited about tonight’s date, but also very confused, His film production company had taken part in a hostile takeover of another firm today and this now meant Tony was in control of about a third of the countries media production, but he felt absolutely horrible about it. Furthermore, he seemed to have lost his life long love for Alexia, and he couldn’t explain it. He just felt so bad." That's a suggestion; you'll know your own writing style and cadence much better than I. There's a few more of those kinds of sentences and I suggest breaking them down, otherwise it'll be your reader on the floor instead of Ollie's mother. ;)

Another stylistic problem, it appears you are using the omnipresent style of narrative, which is a perfectly fine choice. It is always entertaining to see the same "scene" from different points of view and it can be a fine choice for a story like you have here. However, it is very difficult and is usually a poor choice to have one of the viewpoints use first person while keeping everyone else to third person. I would suggest switching everyone over to third person narrative. Also, I might add that there is at least twice you switch over to a narrative "they" without being clear who is in command of the viewpoint. When it waffles around as much as it does in your story, it's important to keep it clear whose eyes we're staring out of.

Now, onto plot. I'm confused as all get out and I'm not really sure what happened to the story. Could you shed some light to help me out of this pit? There are so many angles that I'm having trouble seeing the big picture.

All of this isn't suppose to mean that I didn't enjoy the story, cause I did. Nor should it suggest that I think it's a bad story. I enjoyed the read and am looking forward to your reply.

[AuntShecky]

Some suggestions:

1. Try to vary your sentence structure. Too many simple declarative sentences in succession -- or sentence fragments -- make it more of a Narrative -- than a dramatic piece of fiction -- "tells" rather than "shows."

2. It would be great if all of us could learn how to be
subtle and how to appreciate subtlety. Subtlety -- and its sibling, ambiguity -- is the mark of modern fiction.
Both differ from sheer confusion. I just went back and reread the piece and I have to confess I haven't the slightest clue as to what the heck is going on. Who's the narrator? Why is there so much emphasis on what the characters happen to be wearing. Why is a hotel room attired in a "flowing gray dress"?

It's one thing to be subtle; another to leave the
reader mystified.

In any event, thanks for posting this for us.

[Louisos]

Another stylistic problem, it appears you are using the omnipresent style of narrative, which is a perfectly fine choice. It is always entertaining to see the same "scene" from different points of view and it can be a fine choice for a story like you have here. However, it is very difficult and is usually a poor choice to have one of the viewpoints use first person while keeping everyone else to third person. I would suggest switching everyone over to third person narrative. Also, I might add that there is at least twice you switch over to a narrative "they" without being clear who is in command of the viewpoint. When it waffles around as much as it does in your story, it's important to keep it clear whose eyes we're staring out of.

Now, onto plot. I'm confused as all get out and I'm not really sure what happened to the story. Could you shed some light to help me out of this pit? There are so many angles that I'm having trouble seeing the big picture.

All of this isn't suppose to mean that I didn't enjoy the story, cause I did. Nor should it suggest that I think it's a bad story. I enjoyed the read and am looking forward to your reply.[/QUOTE]

Ok a few points about the narrative. I understand it is wierd, i understand it is confusing. This is my most, hm, experimental piece of fiction? if it isnt wierd it would be bad. Personally i think the omnipresent narrative coupled with a third person and a first person viiew sheds a lot of light on the ideas of it, if your having trouble accepting the narrative, you'll have trouble understanding the themes. I'll come back to the plot in a second.

to the other guy that replied, its not supposed to be dramatic fiction as such, it is a fairly "uneventful" story in many ways. The events do not happpen in the superficial actions of the play, the events take place within the states of mind and sociology of the characters between them, often highlighted by the change in clothes theyre wearing. The hotel is not coupled with the colour of clothes she wears whilst there, the clothes she wears represent her state of mind, it turns grey (i think i wrote this along time ago and havent reread) after the mother comes in etc, look at what the boy is wearing, a policemans outfit, think about that. By the way, the name of the hotel translates to "heart in a cage."

If you think this story tells rather than shows then you need to adjust your glasses. The superficial action is told so that it may show what is behind it.

[Nighteyes5678]

I admire and respect your desire to attempt something new creatively. It is a worthy endeavor and trying new things is the only way that we grow as writers. However, I would like to politely say that if you don't want people to critique your work, then perhaps you shouldn't ask people to "Criticize, analyze, advise, ask." If you truly do desire constructive criticism in the future, then I suggest that you take the time of thanking people who read your story and bother to respond instead of belittling their ideas and telling them that their opinions are invalid. Hubris, for sure, has no place in a writer's heart because so much of getting better is having the humility to accept criticism. Writing is both for the writer and the reader, but when you publish and share your story, it is more for the reader than it is for the writer. If you have two people who come to you and tell you that they are deeply confused by your story, than chances are there is room for the story to grow. We're all writers here and on this board, I believe it is considered polite to act with a certain amount of transparency. Don't make us guess at what you were trying to do; tell us and we'll let you know how well we think you succeeded and perhaps even give you some thoughts on how you could clean it up and make it better. That's why we're here.

Now, onto some more thoughts. I've reread your story about five times now and the thoughts below will reflect my reading. Keep in mind that this is what I, a reader, is thinking when I read your work. Also, I might add that there is a world of difference between showing and telling. We'll get into that below.


I left her hotel room in her flowing grey dress. - Who is this mysterious "her"? Whose dress did she borrow? Why would she borrow a dress for such an important date? This has started me off confused each time I've read the story. Also, I'd like to make a note that the dress here is gray, while later it turns black. I know that this is to establish her mood, I'm just curious why her mood is gray here.

Tonight was going to be one of the most awkward dinners I’d ever had. I didn’t know whether to call it a date or a dinner but that didn’t matter. What mattered was that it was with Tony. The infamous Tony. Tony was a very successful dreamer. Everything he did had to be from a movie. Everything he did had to be random. Creative. Emotionally driven, and lacking the application of logic. - Alright, this right here is an example of telling rather than showing. We don't see by Tony's actions that he is emotionally driven and lacking the application of logic (except maybe by his clothes, which I'll get to later), you tell us this. I'll get into Tony as a character later, but I thought I'd use here to point out the difference of Telling rather than Showing.

Many times, Tony had made romantic moves on me. And many times I had rejected him. But sometimes I had let him a little bit closer than I should of, and it was this that kept Tony’s love alive, but then, sometimes I wondered why I rejected him anyway; he was handsome, rich, funny and many other desirable things that I desperately needed in my life, and the life of my son.

Tony stepped out of his front door in a blue Hawaiian shirt and red silk trousers, his Egyptian skin sensitive to the cold, - I recognize that Tony might be wearing a Hawaiian shirt and silk pants because he doesn't think things through... but really? If his skin is truly sensitive to cold, I can't see him putting on silk pants (which, by themselves, are freezing) and a hawaiian shirt. He is, after all, a highly successful business man, so clearly he's not an idiot.

he was excited about tonight’s date, but also very confused, his film production company had taken part in a hostile takeover of another firm today; this now meant Tony was in control of about a third of the countries media production, but he felt absolutely horrible about it, - I can't find how this is relevant to the story at all. It could be argued that it is used to establish mood for Tony, but it's far too elaborate for just that. Maybe you're trying to establish that he's an ethical man?

furthermore, he seemed to have lost his life long love for Alexia, he couldn’t explain it, he just felt so bad. As a man and woman walked past him as he neared his car, Tony noticed something, the woman was quite mousy and small beside her husband, who was clearly the dominating figure in their relationship, he was about a foot and a half taller than the woman. Just his walking posture emanated control as he strode past. Tony stopped and watched them disappear into the night.

I arrived first at the restaurant; it was Italian. Tony’s favourite. I sat at the two-seat table. I noticed a rose on the middle of the table. I looked around at the other tables. No one else had one. Damn Tony, he has no brain, just a very large heart. I sat and observed the other people in the restaurant. It was clearly aimed at romantic couples. The kind of ones you see in romance movies or read about in romantic books. Tony would love that. At one point in my life, such a gesture may have swept me off my feet, and directly into the arms of the gesturer that had gone so far to gain my love, they would spend long nights in the Italian sun, living the dream as the days passed by without trouble. But not anymore. I had limits now. I was a Roman. - A Roman? What are you trying to establish with that detail? And why is giving her a flower proof that he has no brain? I've been bothered by the characterization of Tony as a thoughtless man when he clearly is quite intellectual. However, throughout the story, he remains as a tool, always being acted upon, never acting himself.

After waiting a further five minutes, I saw Tony take a short step inside the door. Instantly, all of my criticism of Tony shrunk away, as for the first time in years I realised just how good looking he was, despite the red silk trousers, I quickly started to fiddle with my red dress before he spotted me, eventually he did, and he scuttled, much like a child, over to the table. - This is another one of those overly long sentences that will leave your reader confused and gasping. Also, how does a child scuttle? In red silk pants?

For the next twenty minutes or so, they indulged in dense small talk as they waited for their orders, when the orders had arrived, there was some more small talk followed by the conversation that occurred in every one of their dates or dinners together. It included; Tony’s career. Interesting things that had happened to Tony. What Tony likes to do in his spare time. - Now you break into a stylistic tone that is unlike anything else that you have in your writing. It's a break in the writing that is rather jarring and a little confusing when you want to jump back into the narrative.

But then something very bizarre happened, Tony wanted to know about Alexia’s life, what had happened to her recently, at first Alexia was taken aback, but then she thought, perhaps Tony may have matured, and her attraction grew for him as time went on, eventually they finished their meals, Tony asked Alexia to pay the bill, she assumed this was because he was out of money and he would pay her back at a later date, either way, she was so smitten she didn’t care. - Another stylistic problem is that every time you have it from Alexia's viewpoint, it's been in first person, but here it's suddenly in 3rd. This compounds the earlier viewpoint problems and leaves me feeling a little dizzy. Ok, clearly you're trying to say that Tony just isn't into her, which is amusing because it's his lack of interest that so endears him to her. Still, the first sentence could use some more work in its construction. I'm curious, though. Does Tony just really dislike her, that he would ask her out on a date and then make her pay, when he is clearly swimming in cash?


The two of them decided to head back to the hotel Alexia was staying at, Le Coeur Dans une Cage. - I do like the name of the hotel. I caught it the first time and thought it was quite clever.

I opened my room with the key, it was such a bare essentials room it depressed me somewhat, nonetheless the two of us went inside. This was where it got really awkward. In the bustle of the Italian restaurant, there had been plenty of things to see, to talk about. But now in the quiet of the hotel room, an awkward silence grew. Usually Tony would take the lead of such a situation. But he didn’t make one move that sent off such signals. - They're in Alexia's hotel room, right? But earlier, you said that she left "her" hotel room in "her" dress. Whose dress? Whose room?

As the romance of the night faded away, I grew increasingly nervous. Why was Tony not doing anything? In the end, I could only think of one way to save my chance with him. I summoned up all my bravery and, in one fluid motion, I walked towards the troubled looking Tony who’d found it hard to look at me all night, and I threw my arms around him just as the hotel door burst open. Tony, who’d taken to this rather enthusiastically looked round even quicker than I did. - This section is a little jarring in of itself. I'll take it piece-by-piece. First, did you really want to give the impression that Alexia is that much of an idiot? Most people do not take finding "it hard to look at" them all night as an attractive thing, much less a "come hither" signal. Secondly, the third sentence is again too long and needs to be broken up. Third, why would Tony be enthusiastic about this turn of events? How was he enthusiastic? I thought he didn't like her nor was he really in the mood for love. Fourth, how did the door open? Doors in hotel rooms lock when you shut them and I find it highly unlikely that the hotel would just give out a room key, even if she was her mother. Fifth, another example of Telling instead of Showing was that you had to Tell us that Tony hadn't looked at Alexia all evening. Earlier, he had appeared to be actually interested in her life, which usually means looking at a person. Now, we have to correct the narrative in our minds, which scratches the film of the movie in our heads.

In the doorway, stood Alexia’s mother. Sarah. In a black top and skirt. Beside her stood Alexia’s four-year-old son Ollie, dressed in his Policeman Outfit. - See my first problem with the door opening. Now, I know that clothes hints things for you, but really? The four-year-old just walks around as a Policeman? Also, it's clear that Alexia isn't from that town (or is she?) and that she dumped Ollie on Sarah for two days, right? Why would Sarah track Alexia down AND bring Ollie to the confrontation? Is that responsible?

“Oh, so this is he urgent meeting you had to attend, this is the reason you abandoned your own child for two days.” Alexia looked down into Ollie’s eyes. Her passion filled heart slowed down, began to stop. “ I should leave,” said Tony, in a voice not befitting of his usual mindset, he fled the room like it contained smallpox. - Tony has not once acted in a way he's been characterized to act. He's not acted romantic, thoughtless, lustful, emotional, nothin'. You tell us he's one way and then every action he makes defies that Tell.

Alexia’s mother waited until the footsteps of Tony died away; “how could you do something like that? He was Andrews best friend, his best man at your wedding!”
“I know… I’m sorry mother its just, sometimes I get so lonely without him.” - The only hint we have that Alexia was once married is that she has a son, something we discover mid-way through the story. Now we complicate things by having Tony be her dead-husband's best friend? With no hint to that? One would think when we were being Told all the information about their complicated previously, that might have gotten hinted at or mentioned. Furthermore, I think it's a perfectly fine reason why Tony might have lost interest in Alexia; why didn't he think of that?

Sarah left the hotel seething, how could a woman that she had raised commit such a treacherous act as that? Was it the way she brought her up? Or was it other people that had interfered in her life? Nonetheless, such things would never happen again. She stepped past the disgusting scene of an extremely tall man entwined with, and dominating the frame of another man, and stepping into the night, disappeared into the darkness. - This can go two ways. Either Sarah is so mad, she's going to make Alexia's life a living hell; or she just killed her daughter. Both ways have their own problems.

Ollie was in bed now. Though he’d refused to remove his policeman outfit he seemed to be snoring soundly. I was still shaken about the turn of events that had taken place. I looked long and hard at myself in the bathroom mirror, my black hair, it had changed colour after Ollie’s birth from red, the doctors say it was because of the stress on my body through Ollie’s very difficult birth. I took off my black dress and crept into bed. I would never see Tony again, for Ollie’s sake. - What you want to be stylistic can simply be seen as a writer's error. You mentioned the dress color once in passing and now, you're mentioning it again in passing. Also, does red hair really turn black because of stress? I've never heard of such a thing! Why does Ollie care so much about Tony? What are we missing? Ollie doesn't seem to care a lick, honestly.

Ollie was the one to find his mother, he couldn’t wake her up. He ran downstairs in the hotel and screamed and shouted. An ambulance came, but they said there was nothing they could do. The doctors mumbled something about her heart that Ollie could never understand and then left Ollie in the care of his grandmother. - So, was it murder? Was it suicide? In any case, this ending leaves me a little flat, but I've already said as much...

I hope that you take this review in the spirit that it was given in. I'm just attempting to help you see what I'm thinking as I read through it. Hopefully, you'll be able to polish up the story and make it into something really great.

[Louisos]

I admire and respect your desire to attempt something new creatively. It is a worthy endeavor and trying new things is the only way that we grow as writers. However, I would like to politely say that if you don't want people to critique your work, then perhaps you shouldn't ask people to "Criticize, analyze, advise, ask." If you truly do desire constructive criticism in the future, then I suggest that you take the time of thanking people who read your story and bother to respond instead of belittling their ideas and telling them that their opinions are invalid. Hubris, for sure, has no place in a writer's heart because so much of getting better is having the humility to accept criticism. Writing is both for the writer and the reader, but when you publish and share your story, it is more for the reader than it is for the writer. If you have two people who come to you and tell you that they are deeply confused by your story, than chances are there is room for the story to grow. We're all writers here and on this board, I believe it is considered polite to act with a certain amount of transparency. Don't make us guess at what you were trying to do; tell us and we'll let you know how well we think you succeeded and perhaps even give you some thoughts on how you could clean it up and make it better. That's why we're here.

Now, onto some more thoughts. I've reread your story about five times now and the thoughts below will reflect my reading. Keep in mind that this is what I, a reader, is thinking when I read your work. Also, I might add that there is a world of difference between showing and telling. We'll get into that below.


I left her hotel room in her flowing grey dress. - Who is this mysterious "her"? Whose dress did she borrow? Why would she borrow a dress for such an important date? This has started me off confused each time I've read the story. Also, I'd like to make a note that the dress here is gray, while later it turns black. I know that this is to establish her mood, I'm just curious why her mood is gray here.

Tonight was going to be one of the most awkward dinners I’d ever had. I didn’t know whether to call it a date or a dinner but that didn’t matter. What mattered was that it was with Tony. The infamous Tony. Tony was a very successful dreamer. Everything he did had to be from a movie. Everything he did had to be random. Creative. Emotionally driven, and lacking the application of logic. - Alright, this right here is an example of telling rather than showing. We don't see by Tony's actions that he is emotionally driven and lacking the application of logic (except maybe by his clothes, which I'll get to later), you tell us this. I'll get into Tony as a character later, but I thought I'd use here to point out the difference of Telling rather than Showing.

Many times, Tony had made romantic moves on me. And many times I had rejected him. But sometimes I had let him a little bit closer than I should of, and it was this that kept Tony’s love alive, but then, sometimes I wondered why I rejected him anyway; he was handsome, rich, funny and many other desirable things that I desperately needed in my life, and the life of my son.

Tony stepped out of his front door in a blue Hawaiian shirt and red silk trousers, his Egyptian skin sensitive to the cold, - I recognize that Tony might be wearing a Hawaiian shirt and silk pants because he doesn't think things through... but really? If his skin is truly sensitive to cold, I can't see him putting on silk pants (which, by themselves, are freezing) and a hawaiian shirt. He is, after all, a highly successful business man, so clearly he's not an idiot.

he was excited about tonight’s date, but also very confused, his film production company had taken part in a hostile takeover of another firm today; this now meant Tony was in control of about a third of the countries media production, but he felt absolutely horrible about it, - I can't find how this is relevant to the story at all. It could be argued that it is used to establish mood for Tony, but it's far too elaborate for just that. Maybe you're trying to establish that he's an ethical man?

furthermore, he seemed to have lost his life long love for Alexia, he couldn’t explain it, he just felt so bad. As a man and woman walked past him as he neared his car, Tony noticed something, the woman was quite mousy and small beside her husband, who was clearly the dominating figure in their relationship, he was about a foot and a half taller than the woman. Just his walking posture emanated control as he strode past. Tony stopped and watched them disappear into the night.

I arrived first at the restaurant; it was Italian. Tony’s favourite. I sat at the two-seat table. I noticed a rose on the middle of the table. I looked around at the other tables. No one else had one. Damn Tony, he has no brain, just a very large heart. I sat and observed the other people in the restaurant. It was clearly aimed at romantic couples. The kind of ones you see in romance movies or read about in romantic books. Tony would love that. At one point in my life, such a gesture may have swept me off my feet, and directly into the arms of the gesturer that had gone so far to gain my love, they would spend long nights in the Italian sun, living the dream as the days passed by without trouble. But not anymore. I had limits now. I was a Roman. - A Roman? What are you trying to establish with that detail? And why is giving her a flower proof that he has no brain? I've been bothered by the characterization of Tony as a thoughtless man when he clearly is quite intellectual. However, throughout the story, he remains as a tool, always being acted upon, never acting himself.

After waiting a further five minutes, I saw Tony take a short step inside the door. Instantly, all of my criticism of Tony shrunk away, as for the first time in years I realised just how good looking he was, despite the red silk trousers, I quickly started to fiddle with my red dress before he spotted me, eventually he did, and he scuttled, much like a child, over to the table. - This is another one of those overly long sentences that will leave your reader confused and gasping. Also, how does a child scuttle? In red silk pants?

For the next twenty minutes or so, they indulged in dense small talk as they waited for their orders, when the orders had arrived, there was some more small talk followed by the conversation that occurred in every one of their dates or dinners together. It included; Tony’s career. Interesting things that had happened to Tony. What Tony likes to do in his spare time. - Now you break into a stylistic tone that is unlike anything else that you have in your writing. It's a break in the writing that is rather jarring and a little confusing when you want to jump back into the narrative.

But then something very bizarre happened, Tony wanted to know about Alexia’s life, what had happened to her recently, at first Alexia was taken aback, but then she thought, perhaps Tony may have matured, and her attraction grew for him as time went on, eventually they finished their meals, Tony asked Alexia to pay the bill, she assumed this was because he was out of money and he would pay her back at a later date, either way, she was so smitten she didn’t care. - Another stylistic problem is that every time you have it from Alexia's viewpoint, it's been in first person, but here it's suddenly in 3rd. This compounds the earlier viewpoint problems and leaves me feeling a little dizzy. Ok, clearly you're trying to say that Tony just isn't into her, which is amusing because it's his lack of interest that so endears him to her. Still, the first sentence could use some more work in its construction. I'm curious, though. Does Tony just really dislike her, that he would ask her out on a date and then make her pay, when he is clearly swimming in cash?


The two of them decided to head back to the hotel Alexia was staying at, Le Coeur Dans une Cage. - I do like the name of the hotel. I caught it the first time and thought it was quite clever.

I opened my room with the key, it was such a bare essentials room it depressed me somewhat, nonetheless the two of us went inside. This was where it got really awkward. In the bustle of the Italian restaurant, there had been plenty of things to see, to talk about. But now in the quiet of the hotel room, an awkward silence grew. Usually Tony would take the lead of such a situation. But he didn’t make one move that sent off such signals. - They're in Alexia's hotel room, right? But earlier, you said that she left "her" hotel room in "her" dress. Whose dress? Whose room?

As the romance of the night faded away, I grew increasingly nervous. Why was Tony not doing anything? In the end, I could only think of one way to save my chance with him. I summoned up all my bravery and, in one fluid motion, I walked towards the troubled looking Tony who’d found it hard to look at me all night, and I threw my arms around him just as the hotel door burst open. Tony, who’d taken to this rather enthusiastically looked round even quicker than I did. - This section is a little jarring in of itself. I'll take it piece-by-piece. First, did you really want to give the impression that Alexia is that much of an idiot? Most people do not take finding "it hard to look at" them all night as an attractive thing, much less a "come hither" signal. Secondly, the third sentence is again too long and needs to be broken up. Third, why would Tony be enthusiastic about this turn of events? How was he enthusiastic? I thought he didn't like her nor was he really in the mood for love. Fourth, how did the door open? Doors in hotel rooms lock when you shut them and I find it highly unlikely that the hotel would just give out a room key, even if she was her mother. Fifth, another example of Telling instead of Showing was that you had to Tell us that Tony hadn't looked at Alexia all evening. Earlier, he had appeared to be actually interested in her life, which usually means looking at a person. Now, we have to correct the narrative in our minds, which scratches the film of the movie in our heads.

In the doorway, stood Alexia’s mother. Sarah. In a black top and skirt. Beside her stood Alexia’s four-year-old son Ollie, dressed in his Policeman Outfit. - See my first problem with the door opening. Now, I know that clothes hints things for you, but really? The four-year-old just walks around as a Policeman? Also, it's clear that Alexia isn't from that town (or is she?) and that she dumped Ollie on Sarah for two days, right? Why would Sarah track Alexia down AND bring Ollie to the confrontation? Is that responsible?

“Oh, so this is he urgent meeting you had to attend, this is the reason you abandoned your own child for two days.” Alexia looked down into Ollie’s eyes. Her passion filled heart slowed down, began to stop. “ I should leave,” said Tony, in a voice not befitting of his usual mindset, he fled the room like it contained smallpox. - Tony has not once acted in a way he's been characterized to act. He's not acted romantic, thoughtless, lustful, emotional, nothin'. You tell us he's one way and then every action he makes defies that Tell.

Alexia’s mother waited until the footsteps of Tony died away; “how could you do something like that? He was Andrews best friend, his best man at your wedding!”
“I know… I’m sorry mother its just, sometimes I get so lonely without him.” - The only hint we have that Alexia was once married is that she has a son, something we discover mid-way through the story. Now we complicate things by having Tony be her dead-husband's best friend? With no hint to that? One would think when we were being Told all the information about their complicated previously, that might have gotten hinted at or mentioned. Furthermore, I think it's a perfectly fine reason why Tony might have lost interest in Alexia; why didn't he think of that?

Sarah left the hotel seething, how could a woman that she had raised commit such a treacherous act as that? Was it the way she brought her up? Or was it other people that had interfered in her life? Nonetheless, such things would never happen again. She stepped past the disgusting scene of an extremely tall man entwined with, and dominating the frame of another man, and stepping into the night, disappeared into the darkness. - This can go two ways. Either Sarah is so mad, she's going to make Alexia's life a living hell; or she just killed her daughter. Both ways have their own problems.

Ollie was in bed now. Though he’d refused to remove his policeman outfit he seemed to be snoring soundly. I was still shaken about the turn of events that had taken place. I looked long and hard at myself in the bathroom mirror, my black hair, it had changed colour after Ollie’s birth from red, the doctors say it was because of the stress on my body through Ollie’s very difficult birth. I took off my black dress and crept into bed. I would never see Tony again, for Ollie’s sake. - What you want to be stylistic can simply be seen as a writer's error. You mentioned the dress color once in passing and now, you're mentioning it again in passing. Also, does red hair really turn black because of stress? I've never heard of such a thing! Why does Ollie care so much about Tony? What are we missing? Ollie doesn't seem to care a lick, honestly.

Ollie was the one to find his mother, he couldn’t wake her up. He ran downstairs in the hotel and screamed and shouted. An ambulance came, but they said there was nothing they could do. The doctors mumbled something about her heart that Ollie could never understand and then left Ollie in the care of his grandmother. - So, was it murder? Was it suicide? In any case, this ending leaves me a little flat, but I've already said as much...

I hope that you take this review in the spirit that it was given in. I'm just attempting to help you see what I'm thinking as I read through it. Hopefully, you'll be able to polish up the story and make it into something really great.

Right, first off, i didnt mean to seem ungrateful or condescending however some parts of your latest reply, about showing&telling etc still leave me somewhat defiant, anyhoo, get to that later. its answering time xD

Basically, the story is meant to characterize a few things;

It shows how peoples emotions can be kept in a "cage" by things from their past. The hotel room is Sarahs, she is ultimately holding Alexias' emotions back because she is enforcing the responsibility of Ollie on her. Ollie is represented as this by being dressed in a kiddies policemans outfit to show he is some kind of law enforcement type thing. The dress is also Sarahs in the same vein. The hotel room later becomes Alexias room because she is letting (or trying to let) her emotions out of this cage. The dress is grey at the beginning to show a conservative approach to the evening.

As for Tony's attire. This is to show that he is fairly impulsive and sometimes ridiculus, giving evidence to Alexias claim. I know it would be fairly cold but such fastidity is fairly irrelevent in semi magical realism :D

Unfortunately, that para is not to show hes an ethical man. The second theme i was thinking about when writing this was control. Tony has reached such a high level of control that he feels he is no longer controlled, as a ersult he backs away from responsibility (thus not paying for the meal, shown to be childlike in posture) and this is why he turns homosexual (he is the man kissing the other man that Sarah walks past, he is kissing the dominant man he sees walking past him before tony gets in the car). SO he is backing away from responsibility, just like Alexia does. and why he is always shown to be acted on in this story, whilst his past would indicate that he usually does the acting.

The rose does not prove he is an idiot, it is more just through Alexias eyes another romantic gesture even after Alexia has declined him so many times. Tony is Egyptian, in ancient Egypt, physicians dictated that the heart controlled the body. Alexia is convincing herself she is a Roman. Galen, the roman doctor, proved that the brain controlled the body. This shows Alexias current state of mind about the evening, conservative etc etc.

By the way, my long, unbroken sentences, are purposely like that, im not a grammatical retard xD it is to show how this moment seems like a large picture rather than an analysed, emotionally insignificant moment.

The third person viiew is actually a first person narrative from Sarah, shown to be moniscient and omnipresent, portraying her in a god like way, showing her control over Alexia.

Tony likes Alexia until he sees the dominant male figure by his car.

Alexia seems stupid, she has basically reversed roles with Tony, she is acting emotionally and impulsively, that is why it is now her hotel room. Tony likes it because it is Alexia that has made the action, and he is in a state of mind where he wasnts others to act, not himself.

The door is opened by the mother because she is god, it is her hotel room etc, she bring Ollie because it is the responsibility of him she is enforcing.

Tonys defiance of what hes been told to act like shows his change, almost unnoticable, but when played to its extremities, it changes almost every action he makes.

Whilst Tony felt he didnt love Alexia anymore, he continues to be led on by Alexia, this is because hes happier to be told what to do, whether he wants to or not rather than express his feelings, which would mean him acting, which would mean him taking responsibility for his actions.

I don't see how revealing Tony is the friend of Alexias late husband is going to overload the readers mind but I'll definitely think about it.

Sarah knows Alexia will kill herself because she is omniscient, she is god.

Quite, having Tony in Ollies life wouldnt bother Ollie that much (presumably0, this is the point, the mother kids herself that her child is so sensitive that meeting their own needs would sacrifice the needs of their childs needs. I know its ridiculous, I'm merely orchestrating that.

Clinically, I don't think red hair does turn black, but does that really matter? :idea: (say so if it does)

K, the reason I have told you about Tony's character rather than showing it is because I want this story to remain a vignette, to show you these parts of Tony's character would take too long to remain within the story period threshold. Furthermore, it's easier to show contrast between what he used to be like and then show the change by explicitly telling the reader what he used to be like, rather than relying on their interpretation.

This is not an argument, merely me showing the thoughts going through my head as i wrote this, however if this isnt clear to the reader then this is a problem, if youve read it five times and didnt even get a wiff of it then it would appear to be a problem with the writing rather than the reading :)

I will think on it :)

[Nighteyes5678]

I've done my own bit of reflecting and i think that you're trying to accomplish in this story is really cool. Simply said, I think it needs more refinement for such things to shine through. I would offer my suggestions at this time, but I feel that such things are beyond my own meager talents for writing. I do wish you success and will happily read further editions of the draft.

I thank you for your detailed explanation. It was quite helpful.

[Louisos]

lols, sorry of my implied reception :D