PDA

View Full Version : Perfectionism- tough criticism appreciated



APEist
01-26-2008, 04:45 AM
Tough criticism is welcome. Sorry about the dialogue formatting


Perfectionism

I decided a few minutes ago to cut through the park on the way home, and as I head into the merciful shade I thank myself. Of course if the weather was cooler I wouldn’t have had to bother taking this inconvenient route, I think as I scowl at the nature which so dutifully grieves me. What effort would it take to hover around the right temperate day-in and day-out?

Directly ahead I spot a man sitting on a bench, laughing into a cell phone. Not quite the typical nine-to-fiver, it seems. Still, he’s dressed the part. Grey pants, a white button-down, and an inexcusably crafted tie. He didn’t pull nearly enough on the follow through; left it way too loose. As I pass this man, the tie becomes so irksome that I need to look away. Glancing back from a safe distance, I see him still jeering there on the bench, wholly unconscious of my passing.

It really is a few degrees too warm, I think again. Of course, nature’s mocking should be the least of my worries. Not twenty minutes ago I lost whatever chances I had of making it in the literary world, as well as my only source of income. Thinking about what happened is maddening, but thinking about what lies ahead is infinitely worse. The present is really my only solace. But like any good modern man, I have my masochistic tendencies.

I had been working for the local newspaper, The Observer, for nearly three years. Strewn across my desk were stacks of research, expensive pens, and coffee stains. I looked just like a real journalist, sitting at that desk, pouring over that research, scribbling with that pen, and sipping at that coffee. The only difference was that in three years I had completed six stories, and all of the ‘real’ journalists had completed at least twice that many. Not that I hadn’t began just as many stories as my contemporaries, it’s just that I hadn’t finished as many.

For three years the old boss kept his patience with me, extending dozens of deadlines for my sake. This last project was just too much though, this last deadline was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. He watched me the whole day, it seemed. Always stealing glances into my office, shoveling heaps of demanding pressure over my mind. In hindsight, the only thing worse then his constant surveillance was my own scrutiny. For the past week I had been teetering on the edge of finishing the damned story. I just couldn’t find the right way to fall. I had spent three months on the account, and by God I wanted a fitting conclusion.

Old boss didn’t think the same way though, and not a second after the minute hand met with the hour, he had come into my office. His expression was a pained twist of hope and doubt.
“It’s that time again, son. You remember our deal on this one, don’t you?” he asked rhetorically. I simply nodded in response, humiliated now by the expectancy in his voice.
"So… you got anything good for me?”
“Sorry, sir”
He let out a deep, aching sigh, replying,
“I’m sorry too, son. You know the deal.”
He picked my nameplate off the desk and walked out of the office.

And now I’m here, walking through this hazy park, with the only belongings I bothered to keep from the office tucked under my arm. The fountain marking the park’s center is a just few minutes in front of me, meaning I’m nearly halfway home. The only person sharing this area with me is a young, frizzy-haired woman playing fetch with her dog. She lets the Frisbee fly with an awful toss. The saucer topples and rocks as it hovers awkwardly away. She’s still smiling though, watching that dog give chase. Can’t she see those leaves tangled in the dog’s hair? A few brushes from her hand and she could have her dog looking acceptable. What effort would it take to fix that frizzy head or that shabby throw?

“Hello,” she says, turning and smiling at me.

I smile curtly in return, trying to keep my eyes on the path in front of me. She points at me, and I look to see she’s bearing an odd, quizzical expression.

“Fix that right there”

“What?” I ask, confounded.

“Your sleeve, it’s turned upwards at the hem, sort of a pet peeve of mine.”

Startled, I look down at my sleeve. Glaring right back at me was the upturned hem, in all its hideous imperfection. I feel myself lift away from the earth for a second, my other hand jumping too quickly to correct the malfunction. I see the woman’s expression has become even more perplexed. Just in time her dog returns, Frisbee in mouth, prodding its master’s leg, imploring her to turn around. And so she does.

“Thanks,” I say, as collect myself and resume my walk.

Wanting to concentrate on anything besides my wardrobe, especially that traitor of a sleeve, I realize I’ve come within distance of the fountain’s churning rumble. The fountain has always been somewhat of a bothersome landmark on these park detours. Spurting rogue droplets onto the cobble surrounding it, bubbling a perpetual green foam that hugs the perimeter; I can’t see why other people aren’t as put off by it. Nevertheless, it’s a hot day and the mist coming off of it is cool, so I sit down on a nearby bench. This calm stagnancy turns my thoughts once again towards the office.

I had walked in on my first day not knowing what to expect. I carried a narrative in my hands that I brought to be read by someone, some professional. I had poured myself into the story, spent weeks crafting it, preparing it for review. The boss was the first person to address me, asking if I was the kid who had phoned in about wanting to get his story read. I affirmed, but he seemed unconvinced when he grabbed my work and disappeared into an office with it. When he returned, though, his countenance had shifted.
“This right here is great work, son. I really am surprised. There is a problem with it though… the thing isn’t finished.”

“Yes sir, I just couldn’t think up a suitable ending.”

He laughed, “That’s for me to judge, son. ‘The writing trades allow mediocre people who are patient and industrious to revise their stupidity, to edit themselves into something like intelligence. They also allow lunatics to seem saner than sane.’”

I don’t know what to say to this.

He laughs again, “A much smarter man then I said that by the way, so don’t take it for granted. What are you doing here anyways, not enough money for school?”

He doesn’t wait for me to confirm his presumption

“Oh well, if that’s the case you’ve come to the right place.”

As my mind returned back to the present, back to the sleeve, it struck me. I feel strangely good, like there was relief from an affliction that had built up slowly enough to go unnoticed, so slowly that it had become me. That upturned sleeve didn’t hurt a damn thing, and I fixed it didn’t I? I relax a little and lean back. Those free, independent droplets shooting away from the main flow have lost their irritating edge. From under my arm, I pull out that first story. Expensive pen in hand, I begin to finish.

APEist
01-28-2008, 06:21 PM
Anyone? I guess everyone here is just too nice hehe, not enough critical mentalities floating about.

Anza
01-28-2008, 06:58 PM
keep it all perfect tense...

Anza
01-28-2008, 07:24 PM
Tough criticism is welcome. Sorry about the dialogue formatting


Perfectionism

I decided a few minutes ago to cut through the park on the way home, and as I headed into the merciful shade, I thanked myself. Of course, if the weather was cooler I wouldn’t have had to bother taking this inconvenient route, I thought, as I scowled at the nature which so dutifully grieved me. What effort would it take to hover around the right temperate day-in and day-out?

Directly ahead I spotted a man sitting on a bench, laughing into a cell phone. Not quite the typical "nine-to-fiver," it seems. Still, he’s dressed the part. Grey pants, a white button-down, and an inexcusably crafted tie. He didn’t pull nearly enough on the follow through; left it way too loose. As I passed the man, the tie became so irksome that I needed to look away. Glancing back from a safe distance, I saw him still jeering there on the bench, wholly unconscious of my passing.

It really is a few degrees too warm, I thought again. Of course, nature’s mocking should be the least of my worries. Not twenty minutes ago I lost whatever chances I had of making it in the literary world, as well as my only source of income. Thinking about what happened is maddening, but thinking about what lies ahead is infinitely worse.(ooh, powerful sentence!) The present was really my only solace, but like any good modern man, I have my masochistic tendencies.

I had been working for the local newspaper, The Observer, for nearly three years. Strewn across my desk were stacks of research, expensive pens, and coffee stains. I looked just like a real journalist sitting at that desk, pouring over that research, scribbling with that pen, and sipping at that coffee. The only difference was that in three years I had completed six stories, and all of the ‘real’ journalists had completed at least twice that many. Not that I hadn’t began just as many stories as my contemporaries; I just hadn’t finished as many.

For three years the old boss kept his patience with me, extending dozens of deadlines for my sake. This last project was just too much though, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. He watched me the whole day, it seemed-- always stealing glances into my office, shoveling heaps of demanding pressure over my mind. In hindsight, the only thing worse than his constant surveillance was my own scrutiny. For the past week I had been teetering on the edge of finishing the damned story. I just couldn’t find the right way to fall. I had spent three months on the account, and-- by God-- I wanted a fitting conclusion.

Old Boss didn’t think the same way though, and not a second after the minute hand met with the hour, he had come into my office. His expression was a pained twist of hope and doubt.
“It’s that time again, son. You remember our deal on this one, don’t you?” he asked rhetorically. I simply nodded in response, humiliated now by the expectancy in his voice.
"So… you got anything good for me?”
“Sorry, sir”
He let out a deep, aching sigh, replying, “I’m sorry too, son. You know the deal.”
He picked my nameplate off the desk and walked out of the office.

And now I was there, walking through the hazy park, with the only belongings I bothered to keep from the office tucked under my arm. The fountain marking the park’s center was a just few minutes in front of me, meaning I was nearly half-way home. The only person sharing this area with me was a young, frizzy-haired woman playi"ng fetch" with her dog. She let_ the Frisbee fly with an awful toss. The saucer toppled and rocked as it hovered awkwardly away. She still smiled though, watching her dog give chase. Couldn't she see those leaves tangled in the dog’s hair? A few brushes from her hand and she could have had her dog looking acceptable. What effort would it take to fix that frizzy head or that shabby throw?

“Hello,” she said, turning and smiling at me.

I smile curtly in return, trying to keep my eyes on the path in front of me. She points at me, and I look to see she’s bearing an odd, quizzical expression.

“Fix that right there.”

“What?” I ask, confounded.

“Your sleeve-- it’s turned upwards at the hem, sort of a pet peeve of mine.”

Startled, I look down at my sleeve. Glaring right back at me was the upturned hem, in all its hideous imperfection. I feel myself lift away from the earth for a second, my other hand jumping too quickly to correct the malfunction. I see the woman’s expression had become even more perplexed. Just in time her dog returned, Frisbee in mouth, prodding its master’s leg, imploring her to turn around. And so she did.

“Thanks,” I say, as collect myself and resume my walk.

Wanting to concentrate on anything besides my wardrobe, especially that traitor of a sleeve, I realize I'd come within distance of the fountain’s churning rumble. The fountain had always been somewhat of a bothersome landmark on these park detours. Spurting rogue droplets onto the cobble surrounding it, bubbling a perpetual green foam that hugged the perimeter; I couldn't see why other people aren’t as put off by it. Nevertheless, it was a hot day and the mist coming off of it was cool, so I sit down on a nearby bench. This calm stagnancy turns my thoughts once again towards the office.

I had walked in on my first day not knowing what to expect. I carried a narrative in my hands that I brought to be read by someone, some professional. I had poured myself into the story, spent weeks crafting it, preparing it for review. The boss was the first person to address me, asking if I was the kid who had phoned in about wanting to get his story read. I affirmed, but he seemed unconvinced when he grabbed my work and disappeared into an office with it. When he returned, though, his countenance had shifted.
“This right here is great work, son. I really am surprised. There is a problem with it though… the thing isn’t finished.”

“Yes sir, I just couldn’t think up a suitable ending.”

He laughed, “That’s for me to judge, son. ‘The writing trades allow mediocre people who are patient and industrious to revise their stupidity, to edit themselves into something like intelligence. They also allow lunatics to seem saner than sane.’”

I don’t know what to say to this.

He laughs again, “A much smarter man than I said that, by the way, so don’t take it for granted. What are you doing here anyways, not enough money for school?”

He doesn’t wait for me to confirm his presumption.

“Oh well, if that’s the case you’ve come to the right place.”

As my mind returned back to the present, back to the sleeve, it struck me. I felt strangely good, like there was relief from an affliction that had built up slowly enough to go unnoticed, so slowly that it had become me. That upturned sleeve didn’t hurt a damn thing, and I fixed it didn’t I? I relax a little and lean back. Those free, independent droplets shooting away from the main flow have lost their irritating edge. From under my arm, I pull out that first story. Expensive pen in hand, I begin to finish.

ooh, strong ending, too

APEist
01-28-2008, 08:27 PM
Wow I come back to check and I find this, and I must say I am pleased. I will go ahead and make a version of the story in the perfect tense, since it does sound more natural and is more reader friendly.

I would like to state that I had a reason for doing it in present tense though. I wanted the reader to get the sense that what was happening to the narrator was happening then and now, and you, the reader, were experiencing his thoughts as they occurred. See what I mean?

But thank you so much for your effort, I really appreciate it, and I am definately going to make a perfect tense version of it. I'll submit both versions to the publisher and see which one they prefer.

Thank you for the help

iloveoscar
01-28-2008, 09:03 PM
I think keeping it in the "perfect" tense is ironic, based on the title.

Anza
01-28-2008, 09:08 PM
~lol~

barbara0207
01-30-2008, 06:59 PM
You certainly can do it all in the present tense if your intention is to make it lively, to make the readers feel they are accompanying the main character through the park. I really think that would be very nice. But then you must be consistent and not switch to the past tense in between (the perfect tense would be "have been/done). Use the present tense for the walk through the park and the past tense for the flashbacks. Then it will be "perfect". :D

Oh, and may I suggest changing the title? I feel that it tells the reader too much beforehand. Why don't you let us find out about the main character's perfectionism by ourselves? I think one of the secrets of good story writing is building up some kind of suspense that makes you go on reading. If one knows too much in advance, one might not want to continue. What do the others think?

APEist
01-30-2008, 10:27 PM
thanks a lot barbara for the reply, and I've actually just got through with a version that is in present/past tense, just like you described. It's sorta funny though, because I also changed the title to "The Ending"

barbara0207
01-31-2008, 05:45 PM
thanks a lot barbara for the reply, and I've actually just got through with a version that is in present/past tense, just like you described. It's sorta funny though, because I also changed the title to "The Ending"

Yeah, that's better. Will you post your new version?

APEist
02-01-2008, 11:10 PM
Reading over the new version, I see I'm still having a few tense-related problems, mainly inconsistencies. According to text-book definitions, I'm using the right tenses it seems but it just doesn't sound natural. I'm going to be busy all Saturday and Sunday, but on Monday I'll spend some time on it and post it Monday night.

Or maybe I should just post the new version now and let you all fix the problems??!

Hahaha, kidding. If I fix everything on my own I'll get something out of it, if you know what I mean.

DickZ
02-04-2008, 09:25 AM
What is all this talk about the perfect tense? I've heard of past, present, and future tenses, and I've heard of past perfect, present perfect, and future perfect tenses.

But I've never heard of the perfect tense. What does it mean?

I've checked the internet with Google, and didn't really find anything about the perfect tense. Is it a new term that an old person just hasn't picked up?

By the way, barbara0207 knows her stuff and is exactly right when she says:


... Use the present tense for the walk through the park and the past tense for the flashbacks.

That is the best way to delineate clearly between the current situation and the flashback.

APEist
02-04-2008, 05:54 PM
Well I went to my creative writing teacher and she says (tense wise) that the story is fine. I showed her the version that is posted here, not the new one I did that just didn't sound right.

So now I'm really confused, lol. Barbara, can you explain again what you mean? Maybe give an example by editing the tenses for two sentences from the story (one from the walk through the park bit, and one for the flashbacks) so that I can see? I'm not talking about pulling an Anza (thank you Anza), just a sentence or two.

Thanks in advance, much appreciated.

barbara0207
02-04-2008, 06:36 PM
No problem. The parts I would have marked in my students' work are all at the end of your story:

Not that I hadn't begun (Tense is OK, it's just the participle)

Glaring at me is the upturned hem ... (It's the walk in the park)

I didn't know what to say to this... He laughed again ... He didn'twait (Flashback)

... mind returns back to the present ... it strikes me ... like there is a relief (better still: as if there were a relief - but that point is certainly disputable if you want to write informal language) ... has built up ... has become me (Walk in the park)

Perhaps your teacher didn't have the time to read your story very carefully - or she's less strict in matters of tense. :)

DickZ
02-05-2008, 08:40 AM
To reinforce what Barbara is saying, if you have frequent shifts between today and yesterday, the reader can easily lose track of where you are at any point in your story. The clearest way to show where you are is to use present tense for today, and past tense for the flashbacks. That removes any doubt.

Of course, you can say that the reader should be able to figure it out regardless of the tense you use. It just places an extra burden on the reader to figure it out - it's much easier for you as the writer to distinguish one timeframe from the other by using different tenses.

Your readers will appreciate your doing this.

APEist
02-05-2008, 11:59 PM
No problem. The parts I would have marked in my students' work are all at the end of your story:

Not that I hadn't begun (Tense is OK, it's just the participle)

Glaring at me is the upturned hem ... (It's the walk in the park)

I didn't know what to say to this... He laughed again ... He didn'twait (Flashback)

... mind returns back to the present ... it strikes me ... like there is a relief (better still: as if there were a relief - but that point is certainly disputable if you want to write informal language) ... has built up ... has become me (Walk in the park)

Perhaps your teacher didn't have the time to read your story very carefully - or she's less strict in matters of tense. :)

Oh ok, so it was just the ending that was messed up? I guess thats why my creative writing teacher missed it. She just looked at the beginning and the first flashback.

Thanks Barbara

Nighteyes5678
02-21-2008, 08:58 PM
I'm surprised that he didn't fall in love with the girl that pointed out his sleeve. heh.

I'm going to echo everyone else that has been commenting on tenses. They know what they're talking about.

I liked the story. ^_^