First poem in a few months....oppinions wanted:)

[lucidnightmares]

beneath the clouds and falling leaves
above the wreckage and debris

lies the body of a man
lost inside his little plan

for happiness is flying away
into the sun of the breaking day


the darkness embraces all that`s lost
of distant paths already crossed

his eyes are heavy, falling down
blood dripping from his crown

vision fading, thoughts not right
no one to help him through this plight

a nameless face is wrenched in pain
darkened blood twirling down the drain

no one to ask his pointless name
he fought the struggle, lost the game

and now he`s dieing, lost forever
maybe the angels will reward his endeavor...

[dibyendra]

A very heartfelt poem Lucid. You have managed to bring a rhyme in this poem as well. A warm welcome to you in this LitNet forum.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Yes. heartfelt as Dibyendra observed, but I found the rhymes distracting... Ideally, I think, one should not be conscious of the rhymes except at a sort of subliminal, but in couplets they often stand out too starkly.

[Pendragon]

Poems in couplets are difficult to write, but this one is very well written, good job! http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Four/MightWork.gif

[lucidnightmares]

:D i`m glad you enjoyed it
i understand what your saying about the rhymes being a little distracting and this will definitely help me find my poetic voice.
thank you very much