The Pilot

[Klingsor]

I've tried to translate one of my poems. Maybe I made some mistakes or chose words that a native speaker would not use in this context: Feel free to suggest improvements.


The Pilot

Who on earth has procured this job to me?
For filthy money I shovel sand into the nothingness
- nothingness! and in the end myself will disappear there.
But the payment is good.

Suddenly the old pilot is here again.
I should say: his ghost, because not long ago
he crashed down on the ground in his machine,
and breathed his last in a fireball.
Sooner or later that was bound to happen,
so reckless were his aerobatics in the sky:
Always with maximum speed.
Always with maximum risk.
And only a sneer
about those on the ground.

Now he stands there as an angel
and looks a bit silly in this togs.
But he is still the same man and says:
"Come on! Indeed, this guys up there
want me to be their errand-boy
(therefore this stupid disguise),
but let us pinch an aeroplane,
surely there is one standig about somewhere here,
and then let's get wild again, baby!"

I ask him, if he wouldn't have
other obligations now, and
that he should be no dare-devil any longer.
Tell him that he had lived much too risky
and had to learn from his death
to be more cautious and considering
safety first.

He looks sadly in my face, and then
he bursts out laughing.

[V.Jayalakshmi]

Dear Member,

The poem is good enough.However I feel the first para did not connect with the rest of the poem.In Engliah usage excepting the usage of 'guys'in plural whereas it should be 'guy'in singular form,I did not find any mistake.Also since masculine gender is used( eg.errand boy,he),why say 'baby'?

[PrinceMyshkin]

I've made the changes that would bring it into conformity with English:





The Pilot

Who on earth has procured me this job?
For filthy money I shovel sand into the nothingness
- nothingness! and in the end I myself will disappear there.
But the pay is good.

Suddenly the old pilot is here again.
I should say: his ghost, because not long ago
he crashed to the ground in his machine,
and breathed his last in a fireball.
Sooner or later that was bound to happen,
so reckless were his aerobatics:
Always with maximum speed.
Always with maximum risk.
And only a sneer
about those on the ground.

Now he stands there as an angel
and looks a bit silly in these togs. or "his togs" but "togs" is not as idiomatic as "clothes" would be
But he is still the same man and says:
"Come on! Indeed, those guys up there
want me to be their errand-boy
(therefore this stupid disguise),
but let us pinch a plane,
surely there is one standing about somewhere here,
and then let's get wild again, baby!"

I ask him, if he wouldn't have
other obligations now, and
that he shouldn't be a dare-devil any longer.
Tell him that he had lived much too risky a life
and had to learn from his death
to be more cautious and to consider
safety first.

He looks sadly in my face, and then
he bursts out laughing.

There's an appealingly wild quality to the idea here.

[Klingsor]

Thank you very much! PrinceMyshkin, your improvements are very welcome!


Also since masculine gender is used( eg.errand boy,he),why say 'baby'?
Yes, indeed I had a problem with this word here (though Bob Dylan once sang "I'll be your baby tonight", but that might be a different cup of tea ...). I need a colloquial word for a male person, a slang word for a friend. What would you say?

[Pendragon]

A slang word for a friend, if you still use the word "togs" for "clothes" which is more British than American would be "Mate". And your poem is quite good. I like it. There is a movie about two old men who raise their nephew. They have done almost every wild thing in the world and got away with it and are secretly rich. When he finally goes away to collage, they obtain an airplane and go barnstorming. Right through their own barn killing both of them. He comes back to bury them, they've left him everything, and his only comment is they died like they wanted. I thinks it's called Secondhand Lions. You'd love it! :thumbs_up

[Klingsor]

Thank you, Pendragon. I didn't know that "togs" is more British. So maybe I should use "clothes", but togs sounds better ... And "mate" is British, too? Is there another slang word, that's more international? Maybe I'll just write "man" ...