Two Poems

[Elphyon]

Hi! It is my first time posting here.
I'm really excited to have found this place, as I have always been so desperate for serious feedback on my work (which I dare not call literary).
Here are couple of poems that I wrote few years back in high school.
Though I don't consider them my finest, I am rather fond of them and so
would like to see how they may please-or displease-your readership.



Chaconne

Composed of lines so fair,
Sheer beauty docile yet fierce-
At the touch of her gentle
She sings with voice irresistible,
Her star-lit adoring and luring
All the more enchanted by
The swooning moon's magic,
As she asks naught but more
Of that gentle caress,
Which, in fervour and devotion,
Merge the souls in one,
Leaving but a sigh of a Muse.

---

Pan, Peter

Shall I take thee to the land of Never?
And show thee the ever-blooming flowers
That never once flicker under the moon's luring whisper?
If the autumn's carpet, of gold and rubies,
Greet us with merry titters under our bared soles,
Would thou promise not to laugh too loud?
A wandering fairy might come twinkling in the night,
Jealous of our star-lit love, and of our laughter merry and loud-
Yet how sad is it that time no longer holds for us!
The moon flees the tyrant sun, her night-jeweled veil torn apart,
And fairies mourn, their wings withered and lights less,
While flowers fade and boys become grown in heart-
O from our hands dreams soar,
Alas, Neverland is no more!

[Sweets America]

I really enjoyed both of these, Elphyon!:)
I have a preference for the first one, it is beautiful and delicate. The whole poem is really well written in my opinion.
Oh, I wonder if it should be 'merges' instead of 'merge'? Since it's the caress which merges the souls in one.

I have just reread your second one and I love it too, actually. You have a beautiful writing.

Oh and welcome here.:)

[ampoule]

I am not good at criticism except to say what I like and don't like. I especially like Pan, Peter.
Yes, welcome.