In need of a love advice

[Remarkable]

I kind of need an advice,because I feel very upset,which is usually unlike me.So,I love someone to whom I haven't declared it,but the problem is that my loved one is very,but very,friendly with the opposite sex.In a birthday party I had some while ago,the love of my life developed a kind of friendship with a good friend of mine(actually,they just talked a bit in all that noise and that's it)and today this friend told me about an SMS my love had sent,which made me feel very jealous,while my jealosy has no bases.First of all,I don't have a relationship,and then,people can have friends right?But what mainly makes me suffer is that I don't know how my loved one would react if I declare my love;I don't want to ruin the friendship,it's a very good one.And what made me feel bad about the SMS is linked to other things too,I mean,there was no reason for that SMS or the extremely intimate tone in it(yes,I was given to read it).Am I being too controlling?And above all,what can I do about that untold declaration?Please help!(And,by the way,my friend took it very lightly and was only concerned if my feelings would be hurt.Sweet,no?)

[livelaughlove]

Well, jealousy usually ends up never being worth it in the end (speaking from personal experience), but I totally understand why you might feel that way. And you are in a delicate situation, one that many people find themselves to be in. Sometimes you just have to take risks. If you do love this person whom you say you do, I would say tell them. It'll be hard - no doubt about that - but if a relationship is what you want, then you will have to take that risk for your own sanity. If it is unreturned, at least you gave it a chance and maybe it just was never meant to be.

But, on the other hand, if you care about the friendship more - then I say wait and see if perhaps the friendship can progress farther. It might sound like I'm telling you to choose between friendship and love which is nearly impossible but essentially what I am asking is, what do you want right now? Ask yourself that question, answer honestly, and act accordingly.

I really hope this helps. I just feel that it is better to know than not know and keep guessing. That way, once you know, you can work on your feelings. If your "loved one" doesn't love you back, at least you will be able to get over him/her sooner and it will save you some heartbreak.

[AimusSage]

what can I do about that untold declaration?
I dunno, maybe you can declare it? That'll get the declaration out of the way. Then you'll only have to deal with the fall out that will follow.

Then again, declarations of love usually freak people out, unless they can see it a mile coming.


then I say wait and see if perhaps the friendship can progress farther.
Right? what planet are you on? Never be some ones friend in the hopes for something more, it'll only cause a bigger fall out.

Seriously, you are being to controlling, and if you want to get it on, get a move on. TAKE ACTION! Either that, or move to the next passer-by. This limbo state of uncertainty you keep yourself in is a big time waster.

Biggest tip: Assert yourself.

[Remarkable]

First of all,than you for the advices.It feels good to have someone that understands you.
Well,I was thinking,it is irrational to feel like this,but however,who said that feelings were ever rational?But still,it is kind of difficult to declare,because I DO appreciate even our friendship.This person is,after all,special,even as a friend.I converse with my love about topics that my peers find entirely uninteresting,the only problem is that we have never talked about everyday stuff.It's always about books and politics,about intellectuals and recent great events,so we never get intimate in talking,which is a great disadvantage for me because I can't understand how my declaration would be recieved.Sometimes I am hoping that this person does something that would at least decrease my love,if that is possible(I don't mean extreme crimes,no...).However,I seem to be too confused...

[SleepyWitch]

This person is,after all,special,even as a friend.I converse with my love about topics that my peers find entirely uninteresting,the only problem is that we have never talked about everyday stuff.It's always about books and politics,about intellectuals and recent great events,so we never get intimate in talking,which is a great disadvantage for me because I can't understand how my declaration would be recieved.

hey, Remarkable, why don't you first try and do some small talk or bring up personal things to talk about and see how your love takes it?

[Zelly]

Oh dear.. This is a toughie.

I would not just "declare" it to your love... I have the feeling that the other posters agree with me that this is a delicate subject and declaring does not mean walking up to them and just telling them. Dropping hints, flirting with them, hanging out more with them. All will be signs of affection.

As to the jealousy. We all have it. It's tough, but it'll be okay. Remember, he's not talking about how much he loves this girl more than you or anything. They're just friends, at least for now. I'd just try to stay close with both of them, and let what happens happens. Just make sure that you make it clear in subtle ways that you have a thing for this person.

[stephofthenight]

oooh. ouchies....first off ill pray for you....
umm maybe try letting him know you care about him...without the use of the word love...possibly just be like your a great friend i dont want to lose you but i see you as more than JUST a friend... i real y care aout you...if he doesnt overreact give him time to think and tell him everything later.... i wouldnt just come out and say i love you...

[Koa]

What? I am for the declaration thing. Not for the walking up and saying 'hey i love you' but for a quiet talk about 'you know i really enjoy spending time with you and i would like to know if we can try and see if something more can happen'.
Otherwise, you'll never know. I have done that in two occasion (lie, I didn't have the guts to do it in person so I did it in writing) because I know that if I don't fight for things, things don't happen to me, that's my life.
In either case, it didn't work. In the first case, the "friendship" was ruined months later mainly because it wasn't a real friendship in the first place: he acted like a jerk when I tried to have a serious talk, then Uni finished, never heard from him again, so much for the word "friendship" he used...
In the second case, well, it's a big difference because to my request he did confirm that he doesn't like girls... but even if I was almost sure of that, I felt I needed him to know what I feel, because I just love too much to be around him and all the rest matters less. We are still good friends, but I do feel incredibly jealous.

Of course, before the declaration, I agree with the others that there's the need of a bit of playing, hints etc. Maybe he will take the hints (nah, he's a boy) or anyway will be more prepared. But then, I don't know how what I call "normal" people deal with these things, I am a social outcast :lol:

[Remarkable]

Well,thanks a lot everyone.Actually,it seems to be a very good idea to give a hint to my feelings but not totally reveal them.I will keep in mind all of your advices,but I was wondering,if I get a cold and unwanted reaction,does that mean the the friendship too is not real?Because I like it a lot,we get to talk so often and I wouldn't want to lose it.But however,my feelings nearly make me tell...Once again,you have been very helpful:-)!

[aeroport]

I was wondering,if I get a cold and unwanted reaction,does that mean the the friendship too is not real?Because I like it a lot,we get to talk so often and I wouldn't want to lose it.But however,my feelings nearly make me tell...


Hmm, my suggestion would be to present it mildly, find out his thoughts (make quite certain to determine whether he is hedging if he doesn't at first seem adequately negative) - then, if he seems really not in favor of the idea, drop it completely and never let on again. It's probably okay (and perfectly reasonable) if you just talk about it once; otherwise you probably will drive him off. If he's pretending for some reason to be uninterested (I know it's considered more a girl's trick, but some guys do it too), you shouldn't keep gratifying his vanity, and if he's serious, it will get annoying quickly.
Wish I had something better to offer, but this at least has been my experience. With a guy, there is typically, I think, at least a chance to let it go; whereas women, best I can tell, have all their male acquaintances lumped into the categories of Friends and Potential Mates, and will immediately cut off all contact with any fellow who tries to cross the boundary.

*EDIT*



Seriously, you are being to controlling, and if you want to get it on, get a move on. TAKE ACTION!
Biggest tip: Assert yourself.

But yes, by all means do this! I did not...and she is now happily engaged.

[pussnboots]

Remarkable: I say go for it but in a subtle way. Ask him to go out for lunch or dinner or someplace fairly casual so you can talk. Try the "I have a friend" approach ( of course, you are the friend) to see what he says. For all you know he may want what you want. You'll never know if you don't try. If it ends up he doesn't feel about you the way you feel about him, then you can move on as hard as it may be. Good Luck !!!