A visit from an Angel

[AlishaIsMyName]

:) I wrote a poem called "A visit from an angel." Here it is in full:

The thatched shingles were falling off.
The crying crows sat aloft.
The working man thought about his children as he walked.
The working woman wept as she heard her children talk.
The couple didn't know what to do, eviction was surely near.
But then he came, a radiant glow about him, his purpose clear.
He floated close, an androgynous figure, beautiful to behold.
He lifted his hand and all was well; the walls, they turned to gold!
The house was new, the stores were full, the harvest in the fields were good.
The farmer and his wife, they smiled, and held their children close.
They were happy as a family so wonderful should.
As the first snow slowly fell, there was a solid roof above their heads.
No more fear for frosty death, no more wretched dread.
When that Chistmas came, a lit tree was struck up.
And for the very first time, gifts were lying there.
Later dinner came, the table no longer bare.
The working man, he drank to the blessed angel's health, then put down his cup.

ALL comments are welcome.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Would that life were this simple and that there were angels for all who are in distress. The simplicity of this is very touching as is the evidence in it of what a good-hearted soul you are.

[mechanic12]

Comments welcome.. well I think a person that isn't honest about someones work is more damaging than one thats not. So here it goes.....


The crying crows sat aloft.----Aloft, So the cows were raised somehow?

But then he came, a radiant glow about him, his purpose clear.
He floated close, an unmanly figure, beautiful to behold.---contradiction "he came..............an unmanly figure" I thought it was an unmanly figure



The house was new, the stores were full, the harvest in the fields were good.
" how do the stores play into this nice setting on the farm?"


No more fear for frosty death, no more wretched dread.
When that Chistmas came, a lit tree was struck up.

Bad choice of words here "frosty death"---I thought the theme was about an angel................."struck up".---do I need to say?

I'm not trying to be mean in anyway but you need some advice if you want to improve. The theme with the farm paints a nice picture but distractions in your words always toke my away from that place. M12

[AlishaIsMyName]

Thanks to both the first and second replier.

To the first, I'm thankful you enjoyed my work.

To the second, you've got some good points there. I think that every craftsman (or woman) needs a tough critic once in a while. Also, by "stores", I wasn't refering to grocery stores, but to "a supply of something available for future use." (That's the actual defenition.)

[B-Mental]

yes alish, and you used it correctly.

The poem is not without flaw, but I like its simplicity. It is very peaceful.

[ampoule]

Comments welcome.. well I think a person that isn't honest about someones work is more damaging than one thats not. So here it goes.....


The crying crows sat aloft.----Aloft, So the cows were raised somehow?

But then he came, a radiant glow about him, his purpose clear.
He floated close, an unmanly figure, beautiful to behold.---contradiction "he came..............an unmanly figure" I thought it was an unmanly figure
Again, I miss your point here. Can't men be beautiful?

The house was new, the stores were full, the harvest in the fields were good.
" how do the stores play into this nice setting on the farm?" As she explained, not Super Walmart

No more fear for frosty death, no more wretched dread.
When that Chistmas came, a lit tree was struck up.

Bad choice of words here "frosty death"---I thought the theme was about an angel................."struck up".---do I need to say? ???

I'm not trying to be mean in anyway but you need some advice if you want to improve. The theme with the farm paints a nice picture but distractions in your words always toke my away from that place. M12

I'm not trying to be mean either but I don't understand your criticisms. I am probably showing my ignorance and I apologize.

Alisha, one thing I would ask is about your last line. You say "...he drank the blessed angel's health...". I think that is an extremely interesting idea but I can't help wondering, did you mean he drank TO the blessed angel's health?

[PrinceMyshkin]

Comments welcome.. well I think a person that isn't honest about someones work is more damaging than one thats not. So here it goes.....

People often plead "honesty" when they're about to say something hurtful! "Honesty" can have a variety of motivations and is no guarantee of the value of what one says. Most of your criticisms are picky ones or based on your misunderstanding of English idiom or of poetic license.

[Pendragon]

As to M12's comment's Forgetaboutit! Nothing is wrong with "frosted death", people who live where it gets very cold understand very well. I can recall one year when it was 30 below here in our trailer park and a lady who lived here almost lost her ear lobs walking less than half-a-mile to get a ride to work! We wore heavy sweaters inside and huddled under blankets near a kerosene heater, afraid our electric heat would fail. I would tell you a better word for "unmanly" when describing angels. elves, fairies, etc. is "androgynous" , "having both male and female characteristics, but really neither." The poem is beautiful and the only mix up is at the end where you go off your rhyme scheme. Lovely!

[AlishaIsMyName]

Thank you Pendragon! You're right, that's is what I meant by "unmanly."

Thank you, PrincheMyshkin and everyone else, too. :D

Oh, and Ampoule, yes, I meant he drank TO the blessed angel's health. Thanks for the correction. :)

[mechanic12]

Well I maybe I misunderstood it then...but one thing I didn't do is insult the writer. I live in Minnesota, gets mighty cold here to. I think this is a bit uncalled for:

"based on your misunderstanding of English idiom or of poetic license."

she asked for comments and I gave mine. Is this a site where the members are a close nit of friends and outsiders are unwelcome?

I've clearly stated in other post I'm not a pro, I came here to learn and help others learn if I can.

I stand by my comments, I still feel the Light/Dark references are way to much. Like I said just my thoughts.

Put the poem on All Poets web-site and see what happens.

I will keep my comments on the low side from now on. thanks M12

[totyfroty]

Oh, Alisha it is so nice. You actually made me visualize the beautiful farm and the poor working man and his wife and children. This is really touching.

I love writing which concern supernatural elements ( or the unseen world).

Have a nice day

[AlishaIsMyName]

Thank you, totyfrot. :) I appreciate your comment.

And thank you mechanic12. I agree with all of your posts on this topic, just so you'll know. ;)

[ShadowID]

I like the poem and the direction you went with it :D

I'm new here so take my comments with a grain of salt. I also don't know much about poetry so the only thing I really comment on is structure (You can see this in my previous posts). I guess I'm just obsessed about structure. :p

I liked how you started your first two lines. They flowed very nicely:

The thatched shingles were falling off. (8 syllables)
The crying crows sat aloft. (7 syllables)

And you really played on the imagery of the blackness of the shingles with the blackness off the crows.

However, take a look at the next two lines:

The working man thought about his children as he walked. (13!!)
The working woman wept as she heard her children talk. (13!!)

See how long they are? When I read these lines, they sorta made me lose my breath in the middle. You can see my syllable count next to the lines. If this was intentional, then you can disregard my criticisms of this.

The reason why I felt this transition was unnatural is because you gained about 50% length in the third line. Also, I understand that you really really want to talk about the working man and his consideration for his children. There should be a more concise way to say it, no?

Of course, the rest of the poem has long lines, so maybe the 3rd and the 4th lines are not to blame. Maybe you can make your first two lines longer?

One fun way I try to play with the "syllable" game is to break up my sentences. Here is an example:

**I apologize in advance for altering your poem without your permission**

The thatched shingles (4)
were falling off. (4)
The crying crows (4)
sat aloft. (3)
The working man thought (5)
of his children as he walked. (7)
The working woman wept (6)
when she heard them talk. (5)
The couple didn't know (6)
what to do, (3)
eviction was surely near. (7)
But then he came, (4)
radiant glow about him, (7)
his purpose clear. (4)
He floated close, ........

Something to that extent. As you can see, the length of each line hovers between 3 and 7 (Never going above 7). It's not a hard and fast rule. It's just a suggestion to view poetry in a different way. For my case, it's the only way I can comment on it.

Again, I apologize for altering your poem without your permission. Keep up the good work! :thumbs_up

[AuntShecky]

This piece has a certain charm, methinks. Around my neck of the woods, one more likely sees the crows "aloft" than perching somewhere. I took "stores" to mean the provisions placed in a pantry or so. The conventional depiction of angels in Western civilization is most often an
androgynous one.

I agree with the poster (Shadow ID) who shows how to break up the lines.

Yes, the piece may need editing and the grammar may benefit from some tweaking, but writing is a process, and
EVERY writer on this forum will admit that there is always room for improvement.

A good effort, Alisha, and I hope that you will try your hand at some more lines.

Auntie

[AlishaIsMyName]

Thank you Shadow and Auntie.

Yes, you are right about the lenght, Shadow. Also, I don't mind your altering the poem one bit. :)

And Auntie, I appreciate the comments. :)

[PrinceMyshkin]

As you can see, the length of each line hovers between 3 and 7 (Never going above 7). It's not a hard and fast rule. It's just a suggestion to view poetry in a different way. For my case, it's the only way I can comment on it.

Again, I apologize for altering your poem without your permission. Keep up the good work! :thumbs_up

Although it will be up to Alyisha to follow your advice or not, may I commend you for all the thought you put into this.