twisted metal

[mechanic12]

This man can't begin to say
The terrible thing he did that day

His lips tremble and his face turns red
When he goes to the store with dread

People stare and give him dirty looks
He knows people read about him in books

Tries to hurry and look different but they know its him
So he scurries home afraid and turns the lights dim

Wonders how it all started and where it went wrong
Wife left him years ago she knew she didn't belong

He sits and tries to recall the blurry moments in his life
The times he spent beating and threatening her with a knife

Then he prays to God to please forgive
Asks for new things in his life to live

Wants the people to forgive and to settle
But its hard for them to forget the twisted metal

When he left the bar that night started his truck and drives
He didn't foresee the twisted metal shattered lives

[mechanic12]

Good morning white cap mountains
blue skies and crystal clear fountains
Wake up white doves and green trees
black highways and red blood sea's.

Miles down a dirt path of nothing
doors shut and broken, hinges rusting
Bodies floating down a rocky river feeding
Silhouettes of yesterday slaughter and bleeding

Good morning four worlds of seasons
questions without answers or without reasons
Teapots whistling, my mind is blowing
like a book without a shelve of knowing

Marble tiles floored without direction
random shapes and colors sheltered protection
Walking on an artist temple praying
Christian chorus believers swaying

Good morning death filled land
dying people sinking in the fine sand
Earth shaking her plates to rid her fleas
one last stand before falling to her knees

[mechanic12]

It's hard to believe
I was once so small
It's hard to believe
I could grow so tall

Time has come to pass
On the soiled floor
Hidden by the grass
I shed leaves no more

What all was lost ?
A forest without a tree
What was the cost ?
To cut and harvest me



I would very much appreciate if ANYONE would comment on ANY of my poems. I have been polite to do the same.Bad comments or good comments. Should I scrap them or what? thank you M12

[Pendragon]

I love the way the first one builds to its slightly twist ending. Those type poems are harder to write than most people think, and I think you did excellent!

To be honest, the second reminds me of John Denver, but that's not a bad comparison, I love John Denver and folk music. It is more song than poem, but I known from your comments to Toty, that you are a musician, much like myself.

I would never suggest tossing a poem. Reworking one sometimes, but never toss one. The final four verses are your poem. The rest needs work.

Pen

[mechanic12]

Thank you pendragon for all your input. I want to improve and input from others is the only way to achieve it. Thank you M12

[ampoule]

I would very much appreciate if ANYONE would comment on ANY of my poems. I have been polite to do the same.Bad comments or good comments. Should I scrap them or what? thank you M12

Never scrap anything. That's my belief.

[ShadowID]

...I want to improve and input from others is the only way to achieve it. Thank you M12

I'm no expert but I can give some input if you'd like. :D

On the whole, I like the direction you have for your poems. They build up to a certain "punch" at the end which leaves the reader to sit and ponder about the meaning of everything.

Let me ask you some questions about your poetry. Maybe my questions can provide you a mirror for some improvement.

1) I noticed that there was no punctuation for your first and second poem. Technically, this means that the reader is suppose to read the whole entire poem in one breath. Did you intend this on purpose?

2) Line 5-6 on your first poem reads:

People stare and give him dirty looks
He knows people read about him in books

Let me show you how I read it:

People stare and give him dirty looks
He knows people read about him in books

If you notice, I bolded all the "o" sound. The sound of People, books, looks have an "oh" sound. However, "about" has an "ah" and "bow" vowel sounds. Look at this slight alteration.

People stare and give him dirty looks
He knows people read of him in books

I changed "about" to "of" to keep the "oh" sounds continuous.

Pee pOLE stare and give him dirty lOOks
He knOWs pee pOLE and read Of him in bOOks.

The "oh" sounds that you surround that area with fit well with "oh" rather than "about". However, it might be a personal preference.

Is there a reason why you chose the word "about" instead of "of"?

3) How many times have you revised your poems?

I think you have great ideas for your poems and you have a wonderful sense of that "punch" effect a lot of great poetry contains. I hope my questions will help you in your journey as a poet :D

[mechanic12]

Thanks for your input, I like your honesty and thats what I'm looking for.
The punctuation should be there.
I need to learn to get the correct sounds your referring to, I haven't much experience with writing poems I usually write songs. Thank you very much I need to learn much more. M12

[ShadowID]

Thanks for your input, I like your honesty and thats what I'm looking for.
The punctuation should be there.
I need to learn to get the correct sounds your referring to, I haven't much experience with writing poems I usually write songs. Thank you very much I need to learn much more. M12

Everyone needs to learn more. It's not something that needs to be emphasized by you :D

Try reading your poems out loud. And if you're a bit shy, do it when you are alone. It'll allow you to get a better feel for how words sound together. It's a great way to start.

Again, keep up the good work :thumbs_up

[AuntShecky]

Les commentaires de votre tante Sheckeé:

#1. Good effort. Rhyming couplets is an effective form to try; however, it could be tricky in that the lines could come across as sing-songy or doggerel. Also, imagery,syntax, and freshness should never be sacrificed for the sake of rhyme. Check lines 5-6,7-8, 9-10.
Also the "its" in this line needs an apostrophe. "know it's him" (contraction for "it is.)
And oh yeah, "is" (a linking verb) takes the nominative case: "it is he."
#2 In this one you have an apostrophe where it's not needed: "sea's" In this case, "seas" is neither a contraction nor a possessive.
The OTHER meaning of "apostrophe"--a literary device for directly addressing inanimate objects or entities -- is quite
effective here: "Good morning. . ."
In fact, this middle piece is the best of the three that you've posted today.

#3 Appealing whimsical piece in which the "I" of the poem is someone or something other than the poet himself. We don't see many posters on this forum who experiment with
different speakers, so I appreciate hearing from one of our
beloved trees.

Hopes this helps!

Auntie