Aaron

[Countess]

This is typical Tanya, run-on hip-hop rhythmic release of carnal combustion.

I need an affair; my poet’s heart is sleeping still,
Below the window sill upon the pale white bed,
White like doves in winter, like icy frills
We dread, those jagged wide-set teeth,
Which hang from rain-stained smiles
below mossy tiles upon cold heads -

I caught site of him from behind
His back, all dressed in black,
Fat boots and a tight Mohawk -
His face an upside down
gambrel roofed home
with two amber windows
And a French styled red door.

Austere and delicate,
A virtual tabula rasa upon which
To write or read. Avicenna believed
Empiricism and Syllogism
Were the minds methods -
But I know better: it is experience
Which breeds the soul black or white.

What, then, shall I write,
With these wan gray hands
That long to linger on 135
degree isoceles right
of chiseled steel,
to feel moist zephrys
Escape from behind closed doors?

A Victorian novel of intrigue
Perhaps, for the coffee table
Though for the art of uncensored
Decadence I’d sacrifice my body
to the cause - and pen a poem
Or two in the glowing aftermath,
With faint cherry hued cheeks
And the darling asleep beside me
On my newly warmed divan.

[PrinceMyshkin]

A wonderful outpouring of honest-to-God, no-nonsense carnality! (I mean no irony here.) The images cut and burn, but I would cut the authorial intrusion of


- symbolizing death.

And would end here:


And the darling asleep beside me
On my newly warmed divan.

It is implicit - and I believe more powerful - that the "newly warmed divan" is an imagined one, a feverishly imagined one. The lines after it are an example of telling rather than showing.

[ampoule]

Well, ms. typical Tanya, if I may, nice release. ;)

[firefangled]

Countess, it is good to see you back in this thread. This does move and sound like an internal carnal-combustion stream engine. Very powerful.

I like it, but I would also like it if it ended with "divan." I'm not sure I will explain my feeling correctly here, but the poem's persona is so strong to that point, I almost don't believe the last two lines. I certainly felt, "hey, that shouldn't happen!"

[Countess]

Thank you Ampoule for the compliment, and thank-you PM and FF - both of whom I greatly admire - for your suggestions. I will edit straight away and see if leaving off altogether maintains tempo or if I need something else or more.
I really do appreciate it when people make suggestions. Compliments are wonderful, but without feedback, I don't know what to fix. I don't know if poets are capable of objectively editing their own sentiment - because poetry is the stronghold of subjective experience. It's hard to perform open-heart surgery on yourself or to operate on, er, *other* parts.

[PrinceMyshkin]

A comment I've hesitated to make has to do with the name that you use given the sexual theme of the poem. Might it not summon the image of the biblical Aaron and the rod that turned into a serpent? I hope you don't intend that association because there'd be something a bit smirky about it.

[ampoule]

never thought of him once while reading. i only thought of her Aaron. gotta get out of the bible.

[PrinceMyshkin]

never thought of him once while reading. i only thought of her Aaron. gotta get out of the bible.

Colour me dirty!

[Countess]

Oooh dear. No, I was talking about the boy himself - oh dear. A rod into a serpent! That's naughty, PM! Shame, shame! :lol:

[TheFifthElement]

Countess, this is a brilliant poem, I love it! Great use of alliteration, and a theme that kind of runs away with you (or you hope it will ;) ). There are so many great lines here, I especially liked these :




White like doves in winter, like icy frills
We dread, those jagged wide teeth,
Which hang from rain-stained smiles
below mossy tiles upon cold heads -

- symbolizing death.



His face an upside down
gambrel roofed home
with two amber windows
And a French styled red door.


But I know better: it is experience
Which breeds the soul black or white.

amen to that!


Though for the art of uncensored
Decadence I’d sacrifice my body
to the cause - and pen a poem
Or two in the glowing aftermath,

I'd have to agree with Firefangled and PM that the poem seems to naturally end at 'newly warmed divan' - the suggestion that he walked away before all that fire could be released leaves me shouting 'NO'!

But then it should end as you see fit, the poets word is law on this.

All in all a very enjoyable read, thanks for sharing Countess.

[Countess]

Thanks Fifth! I will make the change, and let it rest.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Thanks Fifth! I will make the change, and let it rest.

But are you reconciled to the change? Do you see how it leaves us so poignantly in the depth of that fantasy? The whole of the fantasy lingers in the mind for a while this way.

[andave_ya]

Goodness! :lol: carnal combustion? I knew something went over my head. :D.

[Countess]

I am Prince and yes, it makes sense/is better, but it did inspire me to write something else - I just haven't had time to sit down and write it yet.

[Pendragon]

And here I thought you wanted to write that epic ghost poem! Ooooh, t'would be a chilly partner to paramour with for the sake of a poem, non? This one dances through images that sometimes fool the reader as to where the poem is going but I agree with the others that the "nicely warmed divan" is where it must end. You have said what your heart pours out and in mental state anyway Arron has been wooed, and known your embrace, so the poem concludes. Naughty but nice! ;)

[PrinceMyshkin]

And here I thought you wanted to write that epic ghost poem! Ooooh, t'would be a chilly partner to paramour with for the sake of a poem, non? This one dances through images that sometimes fool the reader as to where the poem is going but I agree with the others that the "nicely warmed divan" is where it must end. You have said what your heart pours out and in mental state anyway Arron has been wooed, and known your embrace, so the poem concludes. Naughty but nice! ;)

May I enter a mild dissent? That should be "naughty and nice!" "Naughty and nice!"

[Countess]

Pendragon - I adore your response and your idea. You know, there needs be a reason why Aaron and I share a fondness for Sweeney Todd, and he slices meat at the deli - lol. Add that to the Christmas terror of Santa Clause - I think I might finally have my approach.
FOR PRINCE, all naughty things are nice, which is why he constantly gets coal and porn in his stocking. LOL!