Arrangements of Meaningless Beauty

[SleepyWitch]

something I've just bashed out :blush: all comments are welcome THANKS




If one can call five years a while,
It took me a while to understand
the overbrimming language of his eyes:
arrangements of meaningless beauty,
feathers and seashells forgotten on a windowsill,
or the moon that will continue to shine,
whether ornamental wolves howl at it or not;
sometimes an accidental tool,
like an ace slipping from his sleeve,
but not a card played with guile,
he just saw it on the telly that way
and assumed it was part of the game.
Unquenchable eyes, black-lashed, almost Arab,
whose sad look he expects me to read
as encouragement,
but then he adds some verbal footnotes,
words and looks about as purposefully matched
as the lemons and cherries swirled up by a slot machine.
Beautiful, yes, but as much created for me as
green-and-yellow speckled peas or a wavy-haired rat.
As my flower-tongued friend put it one day at the pub:
“The Captain, when he looks at you, you know
he’s there with you, and you alone. And you…... resonate.”
Sure, he’s with us, but so are we with him,
tugged at, pulled,
like the crew of a hull-breached ship
sucked into open space.

[PrinceMyshkin]

What a brilliant portrait of a man, but good as it is (and I think it's VERY good), it's a vignette in search of a short story or novella. I want to see something of the rest of those who interact with him (or attempt to), long for something of the setting, of the narrator's intentions towards him and what becomes of them, even if nothing becomes of them. Those nothings, in any case, often make the best stories.

[SleepyWitch]

What a brilliant portrait of a man, but good as it is (and I think it's VERY good), it's a vignette in search of a short story or novella. I want to see something of the rest of those who interact with him (or attempt to), long for something of the setting, of the narrator's intentions towards him and what becomes of them, even if nothing becomes of them. Those nothings, in any case, often make the best stories.

thanks, Jer. :) I'm glad you like it :)
I suppose "I" refers to the reader in general, seeing as you know the story from my countless PMs?
(the indefatigable Mr Crush strikes again)

[firefangled]

something I've just bashed out :blush: all comments are welcome THANKS




If one can call five years a while,
It took me a while to understand
the overbrimming language of his eyes:
arrangements of meaningless beauty,
peaches and seashells forgotten on a windowsill,
or the moon that will continue to shine,
whether ornamental wolves howl at it or not,
sometimes an accidental tool,
like an ace slipping from his sleeve,
but not a card played with guile,
he just saw it on the telly that way
and assumed it was part of the game.
Unquenchable eyes, black-lashed, almost Arab,
whose sad look he expects me to read
as encouragement,
but then he adds some verbal footnotes,
words and looks about as purposefully matched
as the lemons and cherries swirled up by a slot machine.
Beautiful, yes, but as much created for me as
green-and-yellow speckled peas or a wavy-haired rat.
As my flower-tongued friend put it one day at the pub:
“The Captain, when he looks at you, you know
he’s there with you, and you alone. And you…... resonate.”
Sure, he’s with us, but so are we with him,
tugged at, pulled,
like the crew of a hull-breached ship
sucked into open space.


You are making me a tremendous fan of your poetry. I like this the way it is. I would not add any more "characters" to it as it exists as a poem. Perhaps the experience(s) might also extend into a short story, novel, whatever. But that does not preclude leaving this alone, as is.

[SleepyWitch]

You are making me a tremendous fan of your poetry. I like this the way it is. I would not add any more "characters" to it as it exists as a poem. Perhaps the experience(s) might also extend into a short story, novel, whatever. But that does not preclude leaving this alone, as is.

thanks fire, I'm glad you like it :) haha, maybe I'll write that story one day, when I know its ending :)

[PrinceMyshkin]

thanks, Jer. :) I'm glad you like it :)
I suppose "I" refers to the reader in general, seeing as you know the story from my countless PMs?
(the indefatigable Mr Crush strikes again)

It took every scrap of discretion at my command to refrain from referring to Herr Crushinski only to have you go and blow it!

[SleepyWitch]

It took every scrap of discretion at my command to refrain from referring to Herr Crushinski only to have you go and blow it!

:) heheh:) sorry :) I'll keep shut next time

[PrinceMyshkin]

:) heheh:) sorry :) I'll keep shut next time

Back to the top of the queue, I say. Back! Back!

[SleepyWitch]

Back to the top of the queue, I say. Back! Back!

thanks :) but while you're at it, could you tell me whether the ending sounds lame or too abrupt? and are there any clichés in it? :confused:

[PrinceMyshkin]

thanks :) but while you're at it, could you tell me whether the ending sounds lame or too abrupt? and are there any clichés in it? :confused:

If by the end you mean those last two lines, no to either of your questions: neither lame nor clichéd. In fact there's a devastating succinctness to it.

[ampoule]

something I've just bashed out :blush: all comments are welcome THANKS

I like your bashing a lot! I felt like I was standing in the middle of your room of memories, turning slowly.

[SleepyWitch]

I like your bashing a lot! I felt like I was standing in the middle of your room of memories, turning slowly.

thanks ampoule, yep, this poem is a condensation of five years of memories (or at least of those that are relevant in this context)

[Virgil]

You're really getting good Sleepy. :)

[SleepyWitch]

You're really getting good Sleepy. :)
thanks Virge... come on, there must be a cliché somewhere in this poem :) or have you lost your famous ability to spot clichés? :)

[Virgil]

thanks Virge... come on, there must be a cliché somewhere in this poem :) or have you lost your famous ability to spot clichés? :)

No. It's quite touching. To be honest I didn't quite get this part:

sometimes an accidental tool,
like an ace slipping from his sleeve,
but not a card played with guile,
he just saw it on the telly that way
and assumed it was part of the game.
But not in a way that I think is harmful to the poem.

I liked the way you start the poem. This is beautiful:

If one can call five years a while,
It took me a while to understand
the overbrimming language of his eyes:
arrangements of meaningless beauty,
peaches and seashells forgotten on a windowsill,
or the moon that will continue to shine,
whether ornamental wolves howl at it or not,
Especially the wolf part. ;)

And your closing was magnificent:

Sure, he’s with us, but so are we with him,
tugged at, pulled,
like the crew of a hull-breached ship
sucked into open space.

Now either you're talking about Jean-Luc Piccard or your hubby. :D I assume your hubby and he should be so honored to receive this.

[SleepyWitch]

thanks for your comments :) I knew you'd like the wolves :)



Now either you're talking about Jean-Luc Piccard or your hubby. :D I assume your hubby and he should be so honored to receive this.
hahaha :) nope, it's not Jean-Luc, that's only a ridiculous celebrity crush. I'd never bother to write a poem about him. nope, not about my hubby either, he's nice, cute and cuddly and I love him, but he's definitely not as commanding and mesmerizing a personality as the guy in the poem.
poor innocent Virge :( it's about the Mysterious Mr Crush. "The Captain" is just a nickname this friend of mine made up for him (a guy, but not gay, friend by the way.)

[Granny5]

Sleepy, I've just read this one and I think it's just lovely. I can't add anything to the great things Virgil and Prince have to say about it.

[TheFifthElement]

If one can call five years a while,
It took me a while to understand
the overbrimming language of his eyes:
arrangements of meaningless beauty,
peaches and seashells forgotten on a windowsill,
or the moon that will continue to shine,
whether ornamental wolves howl at it or not;
sometimes an accidental tool,
like an ace slipping from his sleeve,
but not a card played with guile,
he just saw it on the telly that way
and assumed it was part of the game.
Unquenchable eyes, black-lashed, almost Arab,
whose sad look he expects me to read
as encouragement,
but then he adds some verbal footnotes,
words and looks about as purposefully matched
as the lemons and cherries swirled up by a slot machine.
Beautiful, yes, but as much created for me as
green-and-yellow speckled peas or a wavy-haired rat.
As my flower-tongued friend put it one day at the pub:
“The Captain, when he looks at you, you know
he’s there with you, and you alone. And you…... resonate.”
Sure, he’s with us, but so are we with him,
tugged at, pulled,
like the crew of a hull-breached ship
sucked into open space.


This is lovely Sleepy, very full with beautiful imagery. I have one minor niggle, but I accept this may just be down to me, which is 'almost Arab', which felt immediately as if you'd moved from painting the picture to a photograph, and suddenly it was too specific. It's probably just me being picky though!

But there's a lush beauty to this, I love the dialogue especially.

[SleepyWitch]

This is lovely Sleepy, very full with beautiful imagery. I have one minor niggle, but I accept this may just be down to me, which is 'almost Arab', which felt immediately as if you'd moved from painting the picture to a photograph, and suddenly it was too specific. It's probably just me being picky though!

But there's a lush beauty to this, I love the dialogue especially.

thanks, Fifth :)
yeah... I'm not 100% happy with 'almost Arab', either, but there really is no better way to describe it (at least my little brain cell can't think of any).

[TheFifthElement]

How about 'a Persian Gulf'? :idea:

[SleepyWitch]

How about 'a Persian Gulf'? :idea:
:confused: I mean, I know what the Persian Gulf is... but won't that remind people of the Iraq War etc which has really nothing to do with this poem?
do you mean I should use it because it sounds like 'engulf', which goes together well with unquenchable?
hm... it's a neat idea, but Persian Gulf is only a little less specific than 'almost Arab'?

[TheFifthElement]

:confused: I mean, I know what the Persian Gulf is... but won't that remind people of the Iraq War etc which has really nothing to do with this poem?
do you mean I should use it because it sounds like 'engulf', which goes together well with unquenchable?
hm... it's a neat idea, but Persian Gulf is only a little less specific than 'almost Arab'?

There isn't a smiley for 'tongue in cheek'! But there is something evocative about 'Persian', hmm (drifts off into other thoughts....).

[SleepyWitch]

There isn't a smiley for 'tongue in cheek'! But there is something evocative about 'Persian', hmm (drifts off into other thoughts....).

naughty :)
but 'almost Persian' would sound stupid, wouldn't it?
lookie here http://www.sidcity.net/ (the actor Alexander Siddig, who's half Sudanese or something). Is this what you mean by Persian? :)
I mean eyes a bit like this, only in a European face (--> almost Arab) and with black lower lashes (which are black enough but not as femininely long as Siddig's), so that it looks as if the guy was wearing a wee bit of eyeliner at the corner of his eyes although he doesn't..... argh, I'm not making this any better.

[TheFifthElement]

naughty :)
but 'almost Persian' would sound stupid, wouldn't it?
lookie here http://www.sidcity.net/ (the actor Alexander Siddig, who's half Sudanese or something). Is this what you mean by Persian? :)
I mean eyes a bit like this, only in a European face (--> almost Arab) and with black lower lashes (which are black enough but not as femininely long as Siddig's), so that it looks as if the guy was wearing a wee bit of eyeliner at the corner of his eyes although he doesn't..... argh, I'm not making this any better.

:brow:

He was the doctor in DS9 wasn't he. Only reason I ever watched it!

Persian would be Iranian, hence the 'Persian Gulf', though it always evokes in me the image of something exotic, heavy-lidded beautiful Arabian, 1001 Nights. *sigh* I really need to get out more.

'almost Persian' most certainly doesn't work, it needs something more oblique, or leave it as it is, whichever you're happy with.

Off now to have a cold shower, a really cold shower, and perhaps a trip outside in the sub-zero temperatures would be good too!

[SleepyWitch]

Off now to have a cold shower, a really cold shower, and perhaps a trip outside in the sub-zero temperatures would be good too!
hopefully not in the nude? ;) (the trip, I mean, not the shower)

[ShadowID]

Ahh, seems like this poem is gaining some popularity.

I'm no expert and most of my comments are on structure and form.

I like the poem. I love how you go from one imagery to the next. It's so smooth and elegant. However, I don't know why but something is keeping me from loving the poem as much as your other fans do. I have no doubt that you're a great poet. But I'm just trying to figure out why some things resonate (hehe) with me and others don't. It's part of a larger journey for me.

If I may ask one question: What do you mean by "bashed out"?

[SleepyWitch]

Ahh, seems like this poem is gaining some popularity.

I'm no expert and most of my comments are on structure and form.

I like the poem. I love how you go from one imagery to the next. It's so smooth and elegant. However, I don't know why but something is keeping me from loving the poem as much as your other fans do. I have no doubt that you're a great poet. But I'm just trying to figure out why some things resonate (hehe) with me and others don't. It's part of a larger journey for me.

If I may ask one question: What do you mean by "bashed out"?

Hi ShadowID, what a nice surprise to get feedback from a relatively new member.


I have no doubt that you're a great poet.
in that case, you have less doubts than me :) feel free to point out anything that you don't like :)


If I may ask one question: What do you mean by "bashed out"?
I meant I didn't plan it too much and just scribbled it down. sometimes the poems one doesn't think too much about are better than the once you planned for ages. But most of the time it's the other way round :)

[ampoule]

You guys are making me think of an actor in Kite Runner. My goodness, was he handsome.

[ShadowID]

Hi ShadowID, what a nice surprise to get feedback from a relatively new member.


in that case, you have less doubts than me :) feel free to point out anything that you don't like :)


I meant I didn't plan it too much and just scribbled it down. sometimes the poems one doesn't think too much about are better than the once you planned for ages. But most of the time it's the other way round :)

From what I understand about poetry (which is very little), it cannot be purely from inspiration (Although inspiration is the major driving force). From your poetry, I see that there is a great imagination and transition. However, for some odd reason, I do see a "lack of refinement" (for lack of a better term). In other words, the poem is good but I feel that it could be better.

BUT I DON'T KNOW ENOUGH ABOUT POETRY TO HELP! :sick:

Allow me to point out what I love. Maybe the holes will give us both a clue at what I'm thinking:

If one can call five years a while,
It took me a while to understand

I love this part. It's so amazingly witty. When I read these two lines, I thought to myself, "Woah, niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice."

the overbrimming language of his eyes:
arrangements of meaningless beauty,
peaches and seashells forgotten on a windowsill,

I suppose I'm a little apathetic about this part. This is just a personal preference. I think it's because "the language of his eyes" is a concept I can't really relate to. It's a really nice concept. And literarly speaking, it's absolutely beautiful. It just doesn't appeal to me.

The peaches and seashells is an interesting contrast. However, I can understand the seashells on the windowsill but when I think of peaches forgotten on a windowsill, I think of rotting fruit. Perhaps I'm weird.

or the moon that will continue to shine,
whether ornamental wolves howl at it or not;
sometimes an accidental tool,
like an ace slipping from his sleeve,
but not a card played with guile,
he just saw it on the telly that way
and assumed it was part of the game.

Oh my. Absolutely beautiful. Oh my. I.... Oh my. The way it all fits together smoothly is amazing. It just glides through like an odd dream you can't help but want to imagine again and again.

Unquenchable eyes, black-lashed, almost Arab,
whose sad look he expects me to read
as encouragement,
but then he adds some verbal footnotes,
words and looks about as purposefully matched
as the lemons and cherries swirled up by a slot machine.

My main question is why did you not create another stanza beginning with "unquenchable eyes." You ended beautifully before with the "gliding" as I stated above. I would have liked a nice mental break ending "assumed it was part of the game." Then you can start a new stanza talking about the person's eyes again and getting lost into them.

I don't gamble so I wouldn't relate to the cherries, lemons and slot machines. But it's really nice to give the imagery of "gamble". But with your last concept of "peaches", it makes me want to put them all in some sort of fruit salad. Perhaps I'm just hungry.


Beautiful, yes, but as much created for me as
green-and-yellow speckled peas or a wavy-haired rat.

One word: Exquisite

As my flower-tongued friend put it one day at the pub:
“The Captain, when he looks at you, you know
he’s there with you, and you alone. And you…... resonate.”
Sure, he’s with us, but so are we with him,
tugged at, pulled,
like the crew of a hull-breached ship
sucked into open space.

I wonder if this could be in a stanza all it's own. I LOVE how the word "resonate" resonates once you end with the word "space." Wonderfully elegant. Consider the line"

"Sure, he's with us, but so are we with him,"

I like the idea but the "s" in "so" makes it choppy with "Sure." Let me bold the items you are emphasizing

Sure, he's with us, but so are we with him

Can you consider:

"Sure he's with us, but we are here with him."

May want to emphasize the "main character".

Wow, it turns out I like the poem better than I originally thought. I suppose what I love about the poem is inbetween things I personally cannot relate to or sections I wish were slightly "tweeked" to give it the polished feeling.

But as always, I'm no expert. Thanks for taking the time to read this. :D

[SleepyWitch]

The peaches and seashells is an interesting contrast. However, I can understand the seashells on the windowsill but when I think of peaches forgotten on a windowsill, I think of rotting fruit. Perhaps I'm weird.

yep, you're totally right there. I think I should change the peaches to something less rotting-prone. maybe feathers?

If one can call five years a while,
It took me a while to understand
the overbrimming language of his eyes:
arrangements of meaningless beauty,
feathers and seashells forgotten on a windowsill,
or the moon that will continue to shine,
whether ornamental wolves howl at it or not;
sometimes an accidental tool,
like an ace slipping from his sleeve,
but not a card played with guile,
he just saw it on the telly that way
and assumed it was part of the game.
Unquenchable eyes, black-lashed, almost Arab,
whose sad look he expects me to read
as encouragement,
but then he adds some verbal footnotes,
words and looks about as purposefully matched
as the lemons and cherries swirled up by a slot machine.
Beautiful, yes, but as much created for me as
green-and-yellow speckled peas or a wavy-haired rat.
As my flower-tongued friend put it one day at the pub:
“The Captain, when he looks at you, you know
he’s there with you, and you alone. And you…... resonate.”
Sure, he’s with us, but so are we with him,
tugged at, pulled,
like the crew of a hull-breached ship
sucked into open space.


I like the idea but the "s" in "so" makes it choppy with "Sure." Let me bold the items you are emphasizing

Sure, he's with us, but so are we with him
I think I'll leave it this way. the choppiness has a purpose: while my friend thinks "the Captain" "resonates" with us (=a harmonious two way thing), it's really only one way: he pull us towards him (mentally, emotionally etc). So at first glance it all sounds very nice and harmonious, but in reality it's a bit more complicated.

[Countess]

Oh, it's lovely, but I want to know who MR KRUSH is? A DJ? LOL. I need an affair to wake me up. My poet's heart is sleeping still.

[SleepyWitch]

Oh, it's lovely, but I want to know who MR KRUSH is? A DJ? LOL. I need an affair to wake me up. My poet's heart is sleeping still.

heeheee, he's just a jerk I know :D
do you need to read more about him in the poem itself or are you just curious?

[ShadowID]

yep, you're totally right there. I think I should change the peaches to something less rotting-prone. maybe feathers?

It depends on what you want to say. If you wanted to say rotting fruit (which isn't the case), then peaches is perfect. However, from "sea shells" and the last "stanza" you talk about ships and boats and the like. With the person you are describing, the sea shells represent the beach. The "forgotten" represents the past.

So what would you get from a beach, place on your window, and then forget about?

Maybe "conch shells and clam shells forgotten on a windowsill"

or "seashells and starfish forgotten on a windowsil"

Or you can elaborate on "seashells" with more imagery.

None of these choices are perfect. Whatever is perfect is inside of you. And part of the skill is knowing yourself enough to know what is true.

[ShadowID]

I think I'll leave it this way. the choppiness has a purpose: while my friend thinks "the Captain" "resonates" with us (=a harmonious two way thing), it's really only one way: he pull us towards him (mentally, emotionally etc). So at first glance it all sounds very nice and harmonious, but in reality it's a bit more complicated.

Actually, now that you mention it, you can create a case for feathers since feathers can be taken from a beach.

As long as you can explain every word and every choice you made, then it's a great poem.

"Sure, he’s with us, but so are we with him"

Maybe I'm reading it wrong. You want it read:

Sure,
he’s with us,
but so are we
with him

With the sentence in one line, I tend to read the whole sentence as one. Is this a possibility?

Sure, he’s with us, but so are we
with him,
tugged at, pulled,
like the crew of a hull-breached ship
sucked into open space.

or

Sure, he’s with us, but so are we; with him,
tugged at, pulled,
like the crew of a hull-breached ship
sucked into open space.

Again, they're just suggestions. I don't mean to be disrespectful in any way.