Presence Of Flowers

[jon1jt]

This is officially my last poem for 2007.


We showed up at the party that night
with our guitars and played
Tom Waits songs,
one about clean air and
big stars, a game called infinite kisses
and whether the infinite's what he really wants.
Meanwhile, my cat refuses treats and
my best friend won’t buy me a drink.

I think of how I might have rescued ourselves,
her words, mine---
It’s harder when you’re in love,
the light turns a pink lushness.
It’s like becoming awake in kindergarten,
how the letter ‘J’ jumps out of line
with its turn upward ever slight.
Somewhere under long bangs
you mumble wow
and try one yourself.

A comet still sits outside my door,
but the face of the world can’t be read.
Death gathers in the sky and falls as it should.
The clouds remind me of ex's and lovers.
Where else can we turn if the poem is not home?
I take a free toothbrush,
walk in circles in my Goodwill shoes.
I have no messages to give,
my phone’s broken.

I gathered flowers and gave them to her
with roadside dust still on them, sweet.

She couldn’t heal me.
I'm emotional vapor, smoke.
Ash is beautiful too, she said,
which she had mistakened for something
delicate and alive.

[TheFifthElement]

My, but your poems take some reading Jon. I like this, but I have a few questions, observations if you like.

I like this part:


We showed up at the party that night
with our guitars and played
Tom Waits’ songs,
one about clean air and
big stars, a game called infinite kisses
and whether the infinite's what he really wants.

but should it be a Tom Waits' song, as you go on to refer to it as 'one'?


I think of how I might have rescued ourselves,

'ourselves' doesn't work grammatically here, 'us' might be better.


Ash is beautiful too, she said,
which she had mistakened for something
delicate and alive.

I like this bit too, but 'mistakened', I think should be 'mistaken'. I don't think there's such a word as 'mistakened' though I know your penchant for making up words, so perhaps this is a case of that :)

These bits I love :


ke becoming awake in kindergarten,
how the letter ‘J’ jumps out of line
with its turn upward ever slight.


still sits outside my door,
but the face of the world can’t be read.
though I'm not sure about the underline here, I don't think it needs to be there, but then there's no harm in it either.


Death gathers in the sky and falls as it should.


I have no messages to give,
my phone’s broken.
(wish mine was!)

It has a nice feel to it, like the kind of party I would like to go to, and I don't like parties.

[jon1jt]

Thanks fifth. If it were 'a' Tom Waits song you could simply get rid of 'one' altogether.

"...and played a Tom Waits song about...".

I think it was actually the apostrophe creating the confusion, so I got rid of it, thanks.

I don't like how 'us' sounds. I know what you mean about the underline...it has a purpose to me.

I graduated from the Jack Kerouac School of the Poetically Mad and that means I have no concern whatsoever for grammar rules when writing poetry, none. There are enough inhibitions that come with living a conscious life, mine anyway. :)

[blazeofglory]

Really movingly beautiful poem!

[Xillus_Xavier]

Well you ended the year with a very good poem!
Outstanding work on this.

[SleepyWitch]

She couldn’t heal me.
I'm emotional vapor, smoke.
Ash is beautiful too, she said,
which she had mistakened for something
delicate and alive.
I like 'mistakened'.. it sounds like a blend of 'mistakenly' and 'likened'

[ampoule]

I think of how I might have rescued ourselves,
her words, mine---

Would 'we' work? I know you're the rescuer though....?

I loved the kindergarten part. Found myself smiling, thinking how many times I have seen that look on a little child's face when they 'get it'. That may not be it at all, but that's what I read.

And that comet outside your door, waiting to go **BAM**, or what? Look out!

...emotional vapor... yep

so many things
I liked