Six Paths to Poetry

[TheFifthElement]

I

Unfurl the petals from the rose,
place them, one by one, into a bowl.
They form a path that leads
down to the nub of it,
where sadness is a memory
as white as bone.

II

Silence shows the way
to where it sleeps; in a tower
high above the crashing waves.
Hush, do not disturb its dreams.
They are the songs of starlight,
bright and out of reach.


III

There’s a grumble in the air,
a darkening against
the gold of the horizon.
A sudden rain splits open
the sun, spilling its guts
with a gush of colour.

IV

Children tell tales in the forest,
laughing, rolling through
a carpet of bluebells.
Listen, can you hear the trees?
They groan with the weight
of secrets carved into the bark.

V

Identity is forged on the fingertips,
or a word expelled with
greater meaning than intent.
Is it just a matter of science,
cold chemistry? Knowledge
of atoms combined with geometry?

VI

The sanctity of skin is broken,
penetrated by the unexpected.
A kiss lingers like a scar
in the memory of nerve endings
once dormant now expectant,
waiting for the briefest touch.

[PrinceMyshkin]

These are like six separate visits to a place of enchantment! They cry out, too, to be read aloud, but in a somewhat subdued, almost matter-of-fact voice.

(I went back and forth as to whether a comma would be advisable in VI, l 5 after "dormant")

[firefangled]

This is beautiful, like a primer for magic or a map of the secret territory.

Nicely done.

[Pendragon]

Six arrows shot into the bullseye. I call that excellent!

[jon1jt]

My first criticism is with the actual connection between and among the six stanzas. I don't see anything in I thru IV that creates variation, there's a deep tendency toward a brick wall of sameness...predictability? I'll get to V and VI below. II and III, and arguably I, deal specifically with the powers of the natural world. The images are nice enough---I like the sadness compared to the white of bone. I stopped to consider the bowl and path and sensed an incongruity after a few reads. IV is still with the natural world, the child and innocence is a bit blah, or maybe it's just me and I'm worn out when it comes to this sort of imagery.

S5 seems to function as some sort of juxtapositioning of science against the natural world. ?? I have no idea what this means:


Identity is forged on the fingertips,
or a word expelled with
greater meaning than intent.

I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say in S5 as a whole. I don't see what you're trying to say in the poem as a whole either. No matter.

I really like how the last stanza reads. I think you are at your very best when you move away from the raw description, however lofty it may be, and move into a moment examining the undersurface while reporting only bits to the reader. It's what you ultimately keep for yourself, what's elemental in light of the aesthetic insights that surround it that conjures the excitement of the ordinary (S6).

There is something evocative, provocative perhaps, something, said in a voice your own, true, distinct, which keeps calling me back.

[TheFifthElement]

Thanks Pen, Firefangled, Jon for your comments.


(I went back and forth as to whether a comma would be advisable in VI, l 5 after "dormant")

Thanks Jerry - yes, to comma or not to comma, that is the question. In the original there was one and I took it out; I am always wary of commas, if left to their own devices they might proliferate like rabbits, causing public obstructions and ultimately roadkill. I suppose one more can't do any harm though...

[PrinceMyshkin]

Thanks Pen, Firefangled, Jon for your comments.



Thanks Jerry - yes, to comma or not to comma, that is the question. In the original there was one and I took it out; I am always wary of commas, if left to their own devices they might proliferate like rabbits, causing public obstructions and ultimately roadkill. I suppose one more can't do any harm though...

Punctuation marks in general are a whole little underground species of the literate endeavour. Flaubert, I think it was, said that a comma carefully placed could kill!

And I used to thrill, reading Graham Greene, at his masterful use of the semi-colon!

[Virgil]

I find the poem quite beautiful, Fifth. I can quote almost any stanza and find luscious lines. But I do have to agree with Jon's comment. What connects the six stanzas? The six paths you choose seem arbitrary and even more harmful to the logic of the poem, undistinguishable. But very nicely done.

[TheFifthElement]

Thanks Virgil, it seems I have to explain. Let's try it differently :


Emotion

Unfurl the petals from the rose,
place them, one by one, into a bowl.
They form a path that leads
down to the nub of it,
where sadness is a memory
as white as bone.

Dreams

Silence shows the way
to where it sleeps; in a tower
high above the crashing waves.
Hush, do not disturb its dreams.
They are the songs of starlight,
bright and out of reach.


Nature

There’s a grumble in the air,
a darkening against
the gold of the horizon.
A sudden rain splits open
the sun, spilling its guts
with a gush of colour.

Memory

Children tell tales in the forest,
laughing, rolling through
a carpet of bluebells.
Listen, can you hear the trees?
They groan with the weight
of secrets carved into the bark.

Self

Identity is forged on the fingertips,
or a word expelled with
greater meaning than intent.
Is it just a matter of science,
cold chemistry? Knowledge
of atoms combined with geometry?

Love

The sanctity of skin is broken,
penetrated by the unexpected.
A kiss lingers like a scar
in the memory of nerve endings
once dormant, now expectant,
waiting for the briefest touch.


The connection is me, these are my paths to poetry. Arbitrary...illogical? I'm sure my husband would agree :D

[Virgil]

Well, now I can see. Very interesting. Perhaps you can go back to numbering the stanzas if you expand on each. It's very hard to get the gist of each stanza by just two suggestive sentences each. No not arbitrary at all. Or you can keep it with the stanza headings and keep each short. I think this is very good Fifth. :)

[ampoule]

My usual boring old beautiful, wonderful....but it is.

[TheFifthElement]

Thanks ampoule, not boring at all, never boring.

Virgil, thanks for coming back to this again. I think I will keep them short but with the titles, I like them punchy as that's the way inspiration comes.

[NikolaiI]

I loved this. Quite a lot. It's been a long time since I've read any of your poems, Fifth. I agree with Pen - very excellent! :-)