Would really enjoy some input. ^^

[Adesaria]

There wasn't much to say
And even less to do
When those tears sprang to his eyes
as he spoke the truth
Of a bitter, lonely past
And all those countless nights
where all he had left to his name
Were those awful fights
And in those darkest hours
and in those shadowed years
haunted by the stabbing regrets
and those wide-eyed fears
The times he saw his world go black
and all fun fade to grey
And all the fleeting joys would flash
Then their light would fade away
And as he wandered, slowly
He bumped on into her
Another stranger on his path
In a darkened world
And as they walked together
They were not alone
The bonds intertwined
And grew on their own
As they began to trust
The light grew for them again
And as they stepped through it
-- Together --
Life began again
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hey! Ade here. ^^ I wrote this poem for a really good friend of mine, and I would like to know what I can do to make it better.

Is the wording off/cheesy? Does the rhythm change in various places (Now that I think about it, it does.... darn. ><)? What can I REALLY do to make it better?

Thank you! ^^

[Pendragon]

I find it darn good poetry, myself. If I added anything, and I'm not sure I'd even touch this poem, it would be to lengthen the part where the two come together.

Pen.

[ShadowID]

I like it too. It flows very nicely.

However, I see no period to end your sentences. Therefore, the whole poem is one sentence :confused: Is that what you wanted? Perhaps I'm being too nit picky.

:crash: <---is this the icon for nit picky?

[PrinceMyshkin]

The one quibble I have is that the resolution comes about too easily, and there is a lack of conviction about it in that you conclude by using "again" at the end of two lines at the end. Rhyme has played an important part in this poem, in the intermittent way you use it. Every time it occurs, it punctuates or heightens things a bit, so it's a severe let-down at the end when, instead of a rhyme for "again" you simply repeat that word. It goes flat.

[Adesaria]

Pendragon:

THank you! ^^

ShadowID:
I see your point. Hehe. Well, it actually was not what I had in mind, but I kinda wanted a pause after each stanza. WHat do you think I should do about that?

PrinceMyshkin:
Ahhhhhhh. Yyyyyessssss. (*fishes out book of ryhming words.*)
Thank you!!! I shall edit that.

[Adesaria]

bump! ^^

[mechanic12]

Well I hold nothing back...I like the fact that you want your poetry to be read and input by others.

First thing I thought as I was reading is how this is going to be good getting into parts like:


Were those awful fights
And in those darkest hours
and in those shadowed years
haunted by the stabbing regrets
and those wide-eyed fears

If the light and darkness would have ended there and went on about the other things it would have been fine but the constant light/dark references made this poem rather boring.

I felt like you forced words into the poem which is like vomiting then eating again over and over and over.

It has potential but think harder on word choices.Ending was terrible, what kind of poem ends like that?

I'm not trying to be mean in anyway but if you want to improve you have to be able to consider that its just not a good poem.

[Adesaria]

Lol. Ouch, Mechanic.
I see.
Me <--- only 14. Begining writing. lol.
But I see definitely what you're saying about the ending. I didn't like it either. I need to change it, totally...

[PrinceMyshkin]

Lol. Ouch, Mechanic.
I see.
Me <--- only 14. Begining writing. lol.
But I see definitely what you're saying about the ending. I didn't like it either. I need to change it, totally...

Bear in mind that Mechanic, like any of us here, is speaking from his personal taste. In order to assess his or anyone else's response to any of your poems, have a look at one or two of theirs and judge for yourself how good you think they are.

[Adesaria]

Mkay. Thanks, PrinceMyshkin.