Like fire in the heart of rock

[PrinceMyshkin]

Like fire in the heart of rock
a bubble of blood burst apart
the mind of God,
scattering shards that became the universe
and consciousness of it.

Thought became substance,
substance, imbued with thought,
became the marrow of love
and supernovae, black holes
and hope.

Planets were created and destroyed,
space bent and stretched,
flora and fauna came into being, matter
and anti-matter and,
to witness and record and wonder at it all,
man

who soon began the naming of things,
condemning those who named them otherwise.

We thread our lives
through the ever-diminishing eye
of a palsied needle, and proclaim:


This is my weapon, this is my shield.
This is my truth, I shall not yield...
The universe is the obituary
of God.





Jerry Newman © 29Dec07

[ampoule]

While you were posting this wonderful poem, I was posting this cinquain:

as stone
her heart rolls down
bouncing along mountains
loosening the dirt and debris
landslide

Now, I don't know what that has to do with anything, :D

And this is not a criticism, but I'm curious what 'condemning those who named them otherwise' refers to.

[symphony]

The universe is the obituary
of God.
Amen.

[PrinceMyshkin]

While you were posting this wonderful poem, I was posting this cinquain:

as stone
her heart rolls down
bouncing along mountains
loosening the dirt and debris
landslide

Now, I don't know what that has to do with anything, :D

But what, may I ask, does anything have to do with anything?


And this is not a criticism, but I'm curious what 'condemning those who named them otherwise' refers to.

Ordinarily I would not respond to comments that are not criticisms, but in this case I will make an exception. The line you refer to was a swipe I couldn't resist making at all our internecine religious and ideological squabbles.

[ampoule]

But what, may I ask, does anything have to do with anything?

:lol: :lol: Or maybe everything has to do with everything??

Ordinarily I would not respond to comments that are not criticisms, but in this case I will make an exception. Is that cause I'm special? ;) The line you refer to was a swipe I couldn't resist making at all our internecine religious and ideological squabbles.
Okie dokie.:D



*****

[CdnReader]

This is quite an impactful piece of writing, PM. Each line could stand alone, or jump into a brand new poem, building further on all the mind-scattering images that you've left behind for us to contemplate.

I would have liked it more if it had ended here....




This is my weapon, this is my shield.
This is my truth, I shall not yield...


These are powerful powerful lines, and I wanted to leave them to wander around my head for awhile, unimpeded by your conclusion...



The universe is the obituary
of God.


That being said, I liked all of this very much, and it's going in my file of "Newman - Favourites".

[CdnReader]

P.S. I really do love this section....





to witness and record and wonder at it all,
man

who soon began the naming of things,
condemning those who named them otherwise.

[TheFifthElement]

It is a good poem Jerry, though I think it does tend towards the didactic in some areas. If this was mine, which it isn't, I would end the first stanza at 'scattering shards', and I agree with Cdn regarding the ending, I would be inclined to end it at 'This is my truth, I shall not yield', but then that is me, and I am not you (you may have noticed).

I love this part:


who soon began the naming of things,
condemning those who named them otherwise.

We thread our lives
through the ever-diminishing eye
of a palsied needle, and proclaim:


This is my weapon, this is my shield.
This is my truth, I shall not yield...

I suppose the question is, are you happy with it?

[blazeofglory]

This is indeed a wonderful poem. You permeated through the universal mind.

Of course there are some points that give us a cosmic meaning. We do not remain in this form. We we will be at one with the universe.

How cosmology kind of weaves things beautifully into this poem.

[PrinceMyshkin]

This is quite an impactful piece of writing, PM. Each line could stand alone, or jump into a brand new poem, building further on all the mind-scattering images that you've left behind for us to contemplate.

I would have liked it more if it had ended here....



These are powerful powerful lines, and I wanted to leave them to wander around my head for awhile, unimpeded by your conclusion...



That being said, I liked all of this very much, and it's going in my file of "Newman - Favourites".

WHAT! You are questioning my final lines!!! I don't think I could have ended where you suggest even though that might have been a more truthful ending, as I was aiming for something like a valedictory on the whole human project. You know how hard and long I struggled with this one and in the end what I posted is simply the version I disliked least.

[PrinceMyshkin]

It is a good poem Jerry, though I think it does tend towards the didactic in some areas. If this was mine, which it isn't, I would end the first stanza at 'scattering shards', and I agree with Cdn regarding the ending, I would be inclined to end it at 'This is my truth, I shall not yield', but then that is me, and I am not you (you may have noticed).

I love this part:



I suppose the question is, are you happy with it?

That latter would not occur to me as the question, inasmuch as I do not feel myself to have chosen that stance but rather to be stuck with it. I did hope that the context implied that it was a far from pefect stance, a defensive one.

As for the didacticism, I dislike it at least as much as you do and would gladly submit to a didactectomy if that was covered under our medical plan.

[Sweets America]

I found in this poem something of your voice, you know. This way you have of describing things as they go while time passes. However, there is something in this poem which strangely bothers me, and perhaps it is the didactic tone that TheFifthElement mentionned. I am not sure what, but there is something in the tone of the poem that does not appeal to me. In the meantime, I love the first two lines. I also like the 'supernovae, black holes and hope', this describes human emotions well. I also liked:

to witness and record and wonder at it all,
man

and of course:

who soon began the naming of things,
condemning those who named them otherwise.

But, even if I greatly agree with these last two lines, I wonder if they might not be a little too 'easy' to use in a poem. But, in the meantime, these lines characterize humans quite well (I am in a pessimistic mood right now).

This, I love:

We thread our lives
through the ever-diminishing eye
of a palsied needle, and proclaim:


This is my weapon, this is my shield.
This is my truth, I shall not yield...

And, contrary to some others, I actually love the ending of this poem,

The universe is the obituary
of God.

because it makes me wonder and I am not sure how to interpret it. But it is to me one of the most, if not the most powerful line of the poem. It has something of a decay in it.

Thanks Jer.

[ampoule]

As for the didacticism, I dislike it at least as much as you do and would gladly submit to a didactectomy if that was covered under our medical plan.


You crack me up! :lol: :D :)

[motherhubbard]

Jerry, I thought the imagery and evolution in this poem was brilliant. If the last line weren’t so stunning I would agree with everyone about ending sooner, but it is so stunning and final. It’s sort of reminiscent of Scrooge traveling from past to present and showing where things went wrong along the way. Do you think there is any hope for the future?

[PrinceMyshkin]

Jerry, I thought the imagery and evolution in this poem was brilliant. If the last line weren’t so stunning I would agree with everyone about ending sooner, but it is so stunning and final. It’s sort of reminiscent of Scrooge traveling from past to present and showing where things went wrong along the way.

And yet, you know, I worked & worked at it until maybe I lost any chance for freshness or music... It feels so far from what I intended. I contemplated deleting it, actually.


Do you think there is any hope for the future?

What a tough, uncomfortable question! Cannot answer it.

[CdnReader]

WHAT! You are questioning my final lines!!!

Oh. You noticed. :blush:

[PrinceMyshkin]

I found in this poem something of your voice, you know. This way you have of describing things as they go while time passes. However, there is something in this poem which strangely bothers me, and perhaps it is the didactic tone that TheFifthElement mentionned. I am not sure what, but there is something in the tone of the poem that does not appeal to me. In the meantime, I love the first two lines. I also like the 'supernovae, black holes and hope', this describes human emotions well. I also liked:

to witness and record and wonder at it all,
man

and of course:

who soon began the naming of things,
condemning those who named them otherwise.

But, even if I greatly agree with these last two lines, I wonder if they might not be a little too 'easy' to use in a poem.

From the time we began to be acquainted, you had the ability to read my poems with great insight - with sympathy or appreciation at times, but also with a shrewed eye for what does not work in them.

"Easy" is a criticism I dread, but I acknowledge the appropriateness of it here. I think I sometimes nurture a sense of woundedness, with a resultant need to strike out in revenge.


But, in the meantime, these lines characterize humans quite well (I am in a pessimistic mood right now).

This, I love:

We thread our lives
through the ever-diminishing eye
of a palsied needle, and proclaim:


This is my weapon, this is my shield.
This is my truth, I shall not yield...

And, contrary to some others, I actually love the ending of this poem,

The universe is the obituary
of God.

because it makes me wonder and I am not sure how to interpret it. But it is to me one of the most, if not the most powerful line of the poem. It has something of a decay in it.

The ending, for the longest time, was


The universe is the autobiography
of God,
gone awry.

Chapter One:

which frankly I loved but felt I had to give up because it was logically inconsistent with the narrative line as begun in the opening.


Thanks Jer.

Thank you, buttercup!

[Sweets America]

From the time we began to be acquainted, you had the ability to read my poems with great insight - with sympathy or appreciation at times, but also with a shrewed eye for what does not work in them.

"Easy" is a criticism I dread, but I acknowledge the appropriateness of it here. I think I sometimes nurture a sense of woundedness, with a resultant need to strike out in revenge.



The ending, for the longest time, was


The universe is the autobiography
of God,
gone awry.

Chapter One:

which frankly I loved but felt I had to give up because it was logically inconsistent with the narrative line as begun in the opening.



Thank you, buttercup!

Thank you Sweetheart, I am glad you are ok with my criticism. I knew the 'easy' thing would be harsh for you to hear, but you heard it the right way. I do not pretend to teach you how to write poetry anyway:lol: , I just tell you how I feel about it and you understand it well. :)

I liked the conversation that my criticism provoked between us. It is strange that I like this tone in your other poems but that it irritated me here! As I said, maybe it's also because of my currrent mood.

I am not sure I understand your former ending. I definitely prefer the new one.

What is a buttercup? :D

[PrinceMyshkin]

Thank you Sweetheart, I am glad you are ok with my criticism. I knew the 'easy' thing would be harsh for you to hear, but you heard it the right way. I do not pretend to teach you how to write poetry anyway:lol: , I just tell you how I feel about it and you understand it well. :)

I liked the conversation that my criticism provoked between us. It is strange that I like this tone in your other poems but that it irritated me here! As I said, maybe it's also because of my currrent mood.

Maybe you didn't like the tone in this one because I don't think I succeeded in establishing a dominant tone or flow, the sort of underlying music that one's subconscious sometimes provides and that is, in its own way the 'message' of a poem. Instead, I think what we have here is a sort of St Vitus' Dance.


I am not sure I understand your former ending. I definitely prefer the new one.

Nor should you understand the ending I set aside, because the set-up isn't there for it.


What is a buttercup? :D

A yellow flower that stains one's skin the colour of butter... and also, a sweetheart!

[Sweets America]

Maybe you didn't like the tone in this one because I don't think I succeeded in establishing a dominant tone or flow, the sort of underlying music that one's subconscious sometimes provides and that is, in its own way the 'message' of a poem. Instead, I think what we have here is a sort of St Vitus' Dance.



Nor should you understand the ending I set aside, because the set-up isn't there for it.



A yellow flower that stains one's skin the colour of butter... and also, a sweetheart!

First, thank you for replying to me, Dear Prince. I see there is at least one person on this forum who is interested in me and to whom I am not invisible. :D Could not help it. ;) :( (hello people, my name is Sophie :) )

I am sorry that you feel that you have not succeeded in conveying what you wanted to convey through this poem. You have worked so much on it. Maybe you have worked too much? I wonder. Maybe there are things that we cannot put into words, no matter how much we work. Oh, I have no idea of what a St Vitus' Dance is. I'm sure you knew that I didn't know and you wrote it on purpose, Teacher of my Heart! :)

Oh, yes, now I remember about the buttercup! Thanks Sweetie. :)

[PrinceMyshkin]

First, thank you for replying to me, Dear Prince. I see there is at least one person on this forum who is interested in me and to whom I am not invisible. :D Could not help it. ;) :( (hello people, my name is Sophie :) )

Sweetie! Better to have a mantle of invisibility placed around you than to don a cloak of bitterness!


I am sorry that you feel that you have not succeeded in conveying what you wanted to convey through this poem. You have worked so much on it. Maybe you have worked too much? I wonder. Maybe there are things that we cannot put into words, no matter how much we work. Oh, I have no idea of what a St Vitus' Dance is. I'm sure you knew that I didn't know and you wrote it on purpose, Teacher of my Heart! :)

Teachers of each other's hearts, rather!