Guilty Consience

[Hunnii]

Here's a little something I wrote a while back and I'd like to share it with you guys. I initially wrote it for a contest (in which there was a limit on the number of words), which is why you may find it quite compressed and over-rushed. Feel free to criticize me and overflood me with suggestions so that I can improve my writing. Enjoy :)


Guilty Conscience


There’s some things in life that you forget so easily that they’ll never cross your mind again. Then there’s come things you just can’t get out of your head, no matter how hard you try. I’ve been trying to forget it, to just erase it out of my memory, but I can’t. My nightmares won’t let me.


It’s the same every time. Elise and I are at the beach, lying down in the sand, and just staring up at the clouds in the clear, blue sky, focusing on the shapes they make.
“A pair of underwear,” she chuckles. That’s how she always is, immature and sometimes annoying, but I love her to death. Then she gets up and says that she’s going for a swim, even when she knows I can’t swim, I don’t want to, not after what happened two years ago. So I stay back like always, and try to take my mind off the water—the water that almost took my life when I was twelve. I can still hear my piercing screams from that day.


I’m snapped back to reality as I see people running towards the water. A girl, about my age is being placed on the sand. I take a few steps towards the crowd, to make sure it’s not her…and then I see it.


Elise printed in blue, curly letters on the bracelet she’s wearing.

“Does anyone know her?” the lifeguard calls out.
But I’m breathing so hard, my heart pounding like a fist that I can’t answer.


That’s when I wake up.


I can’t take this anymore—this guilt that’s been haunting my sleep for two years now. I just want to give up. Then, for the first time, I remember my grandma’s words: You can never give up, Drea. You must face your fears. As much as I just want to let go, I won’t let her down.


I’m taking your words Grandma—right to my heart.

[DickZ]

Maybe you would like to put out a somewhat-expanded version since the word limits here aren't nearly so severe as those for your contest.

I, for one, have no idea what your story is saying, but maybe I'm just not as perceptive as others in this regard. Or maybe with a little more explanation from you, even I could figure out why the guy has a guilty conscience.

Something that's a turnoff for someone like me is the way you start the story "There's some things in life ..." As best as I can remember, the word there's is a contraction for there is. So what you're saying is "There is some things in life ..." I hope you can see what's wrong with that. It's not the ideal way to kick off a story that you want people to read.

[PabloQ]

I'm going to assume you did not win the contest.
The compact nature of the story is what works against it. What is revealed in the story obscures what needs to be there to tell the story. For example, I think there is only one nightmare involved here and each time it occures it is the same -- beach, clouds, swim, drowning. What confuses is me are the two references to some event that occurred two years previous to the story. One appears to be that the narrator nearly drowned and the other seems to be reality of the nightmare -- Elise drowning. If those two events are connected or as I surmise are actually the same event, then how are the events tied to the narrator's guilt? Is the narrator feeling guilty for having survived or for in some way causing the drowning? The reader doesn't get enough to know or to even ask the correct questions.
Finally, in light of the previous comments, we don't know why grandma's advice is so important and how those words are going influence the narrator to act.
So, in short, the brevity of this piece works against it.

[Hunnii]

Wow I never really thought of it like that. But thanks for the amazing feedback guys! I think I'll use this website every time I write something because many people here useful suggestions ;)

I'll make sure to start off my story in a different way DickZ.
As for your comment PabloQ, I believe you to be quite right; the brevity of the story truly does work against it, which is why I despise writing short pieces because I am unable to go into complete and precise detail. I also did not have much time to write this story (I believe I only had a day or two along with my neverending homework); therefore, there were some points which I neglected to clarify or even justify.

Once again, thanks for your feedback! :D