First Poetry Attempt

[LadyW]

Hello all.
After a... month of membership I have actually discovered how to start a new thread (welldone me). I was wondering if anyone would like to give verbal abuse and/or pass comment on my very first poem. Slightly melancholy feel to it; so sorry if it's horrendous. :)



A l w a y s & F o r e v e r
Your eyes, they scan the room but you do not move.
Do you not see me?
I caress your tear stained face and smile like we used to do.
Do you not feel me?
I utter your precious name but my words fail.
Do you not hear me?
Your pretty head rises from your trembling hands,
You brush away a nuisance strand,
And you stare, you stare at nothingness.
Why don’t you recognize me?
Rising from your place of infinite weeping,
You pass straight through me.
For I can no longer see,
I can no longer feel,
And I can no longer hear.
Yet I will be with you, always and forever my love.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Strong, sincere and moving. I especially liked:


Rising from your place of infinite weeping,
You pass straight through me.

Many thanks.

[LadyW]

Wow, thankyou very much for reading and leaving a comment. (Is it tradgic that I am rather chuffed because of this?)

[PrinceMyshkin]

Wow, thankyou very much for reading and leaving a comment. (Is it tradgic that I am rather chuffed because of this?)

Good grief, NO! Let me quote you a memory from the past re my youngest child:

She was five or so, sitting on my lap, sucking her thumb. Feeling warm towards her I leaned over and whispered in her ear:

“You’re nice, you know? You’re a really nice girl.”

Out came the thumb: “I know,” she said, “but it’s nice to hear all the same.”

And back went the thumb.

And I thought, Oh this kid is all right, she’s solid, she’s got it together.

The moral of this story? We all need to know that we're "nice," good, intelligent &c., but at the same time we do need to have that affirmed from time to time by others. Either one without the other is b/s.

[michael336]

I loved the imagery of "nuisance strand." Also, the repetition of "I can no longer..." is especially effective.
And poetry is the perfect milieu of melancholy....as anyone could tell who read mine that are posted. :o)

[LadyW]

Why thankyou so much PrinceMyshkin , I think you're right :)
And to Michael366 so glad you liked it.

[Pendragon]

Great poem. The imagery of not being seen, heard, or even detectable by the senses is wonderful and sad at the same time. Reminds me of a shunning by Amish folk. "They walk among us, but our eyes do not see them. They cry out but our ears do not hear them. They do not exist to us." A harsh example, but you get the feeling. I am here, no answer. Wonderful poem!

Pen

[firefangled]

Very sad, but well done. I enjoyed it.

[CdnReader]

I especially love these lines...



You brush away a nuisance strand,
And you stare, you stare at nothingness.


Thanks! And welcome to the Personal Poetry Forum. :)